Besides my daughter and my part time daughter, I am "Auntie Kath" to more teenagers than I can count. Today, three of them got in contact with me, all with different requests. I'm nonplussed, amused and wanted to share the experiences with you.
- Part time daughter's older sister is scheduled to get her driver's license in two weeks. She says that driving with her mother makes her nervous, and could I be her sponsor for the driving test? I've taught many a child to drive, and of course I'll be her sponsor. I'd bet the guys at the Registry of Motor Vehicles were wondering where I'd been, anyway.
- One of DD's classmates, a smart boy who is 14 years old, called in a dither. He talked with DD for a while, and then she asked me to pick up the extension. He just found out that he will be repeating the seventh grade, and was upset and angry. I asked him why he had to repeat. His answer took me aback, perhaps because I wasn't expecting such honesty.
"I got straight "F's" all four terms because I didn't feel like doing homework or classwork. I was having a good time getting stoned" (in his case, smoking pot.)
I talked about the fact that stuff happens sometimes, and that if he absolutely had to smoke pot, it would be a much better idea to do so when school was over and his homework was done. (Yelling at him for smoking pot won't do a lot of good at this point) Failing and having to repeat a grade is a logical consequence for not doing any work, and that the school was not "picking on him."
I told him that I am disappointed in him, and that I wish he had come to me before things got so bad, although having to repeat one grade isn't exactly the end of the world, and if he works hard, this need not effect his life, long term. For now, he's going to summer remedial classes, and in September, he is welcome to come to our house every day after school to do schoolwork.
We talked for a long time, with DD listening closely on the extension (she always listens to these conversations). He has a lot going on, and no real supervision. (Dad is gone, mom works and leaves him under the nominal supervision of much older brothers, who are both unemployed and are the source of his drugs) We talked about finding better parental substitutes and role models, and he'll be coming by to spend some time with DH and my FIL. I hope we can help him, though we can't take him in like P/T D. At least he'll know that there are some adults who care, and he'll get some time with adult men who aren't (pardon the term) losers. He seems to need that, more than another mom.
- The last call came shortly before bedtime. Another fourteen year old boy went to a party*, got drunk, and had a friend give him a haircut. It came out as well as you might expect. His parents are angry, have grounded him, and aren't letting him get a professional haircut to repair the other one.
I explained that this is something you have to expect when you drink, and that I understand his parents' feelings. (I think they're right, and that the punishment is spot-on) We talked about the dangers of drinking, especially binge drinking, and gave him my standard carte blanche invitation: if he's drinking or stoned, and he realizes he's in way over his head, he is welcome to call here at any time, and we'll come get him. I'd rather his parents have a live son to be upset with than one who came to grief.
Tomorrow, I'll call his mom at work and just let her know that I spoke to her son and that I support her 100%, and to ask her permission about the "free ride home, no questions asked."
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The last two situations make me sad, but they provided teaching opportunities for my girls. DD was worried that I would now think that the two boys involved were "bad kids," and forbid her to be friends with them. I told her that they were being stupid, but that kind of stupid goes with adolescence, and that I hope they outgrow it. We talked once again why my girls aren't allowed to go to unsupervised parties, and speculated how bad their hair would look if a drunken friend got ahold of it.
I reiterated my "free ride home" policy, and we talked about my "easy out" for the girls: they are more than welcome to blame us for any situation that they want to refuse. If there's a party going on, and they are afraid to say that they don't want to go (and therefore appear to be geeky), they can blame DH or me at any time: "My parents are much too strict to let me do X."
DD laughed. "Oh Mama, I've been using that one for _years!_ That's why all the boys are afraid to try anything with me -- P/T D and I tell everyone that Daddy's a psycho and an Italian Father, and that he'd kill anyone who looked at us the wrong way."
DH looked less than thrilled, but he's happy to play the part if it keeps his girls safe.
I can't figure out what's harder: being a teenager or being the concerned parent of a teenager. (Actually, I can figure it out -- being a teenager is much harder)
Jeanne H., I think I'm channeling you right now!
Kathy N-V
- Parties like this are off limits because things get out of control so quickly. Binge drinking can become alcohol poisoning, and I worry about kids getting behind the wheel. (A lot of these parties have older teens behind them, buying the liquor and drugs, and providing transportation)
We've also talked about the danger such parties provide to girls: date rape and gang rape almost always take place when far too much alcohol has been consumed. If they ever find themselves at a party and don't want to leave (although I hope they'd call me or one of the other people who've agreed to do this: my sister, her husband, my FIL, P/T D's mother), they are to keep a close eye on one another. No rule is more important -- make sure they touch base every five minutes at the longest.