Re: DOES THINGS GET BETTER

Hi Mel,

This is a hard post to answer. So I'm going to take points as they come up. It's a tough letter, but nothing is meant to be judgemental. Not everything is say is necessarily about you. And I mean well.

First thing is, cop to owing those utility bills. You used the power, you owe for it. To fight about whether or not you do makes you look dishonest. So establish your honesty. Also tell him what's going on and why you can't pay. A lot of landlords know about other ways rent can be paid. Agencies that can help.

My mind is a sieve for details, so I hope someone else can tell you about possible agencies.

Hitting. It's great that you aren't allowing yourself to be hit, especially (but not limited to) in front of your son.

So what next? Are you going to let him back, either out of affection or monetary need? Most women do. I think the average number of escapes from an abuser is 13, before someone finally gets out. When you're ready to commit to re-building your life, you will do it. If you file a restraining order, there's about a 10% chance it will make him more violent. So committing to leaving will be a whole change of your life. It's OK to try to leave and fail. Just try harder next time.

Until you're ready to make that complete change you will be stuck in problems like the one with your landlord. So you need tactics to survive within the situation. You must develop some autonomy, including finding a way to earn some money. Even if it's not enough to live on but gives you experience. You might work daycare, which pays little, but allows you to bring your child, and gives you work experience. Do you have other work experience? Is there work you could do from home?

When you are ready to make the huge step to leave, there will be different questions and solutions. At that time, you should go to a specialist. Go to a women's shelter. They also have long term housing. And they have great connections. Family centered services. Vocational rehab. Child services. I don't know the agencies, but there are a lot of them. And they will work with you instead of working against you if you ask for help.

Some of the things that might be required of you for such help include: Abstention from alcohol, etc, because even a little will get peoples' backs up. Some therapy, because most abuse victims need to address co-dependency issued to heal from victimization. Job training. And very often you have to give up things. Like furniture and stuff that keeps your from being fit into a place of refuge. You'll need a new definition of humble -- which means not to claim to be more than you are (like above help, etc), but also not to claim to be less than you are.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I found it. Others here have found it. It's never easy, but lots of people can gotten through that tunnel.

Meanwhile, how can we help you?

Tina

Hi guys, I know I don't post to often, but when I've needed you all, > you've been there. Just a lttile update. First I've been fighting > with my landlord about utility bills from when I first moved in and he > didn't put in a request for dissconnect, and I refused to pay them > unless I had hard copies of the bill. On top of that last week I put > my husband out, becusae he hit me in front of my 4yr old son. So, of > course the money is funny and the landlord is breathing down my neck, > with no childcare I can't even take a pt job to try and pick-up the > slack. My god what do I do to get throught this. I want to just cry, > there has to be a light a the end of this tunnel. ~~~HELP in the > DARK~~~
Reply to
Christina Peterson
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HI MEL, sorry things suck. do you have any options sweetie? Family, friends who are there and can help you?

Becki "In between the moon and you, the angels have a better view of the crumbling difference between wrong and right.." -- Counting Crows

Reply to
BeckiBead

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from "Christina Peterson" :

]My mind is a sieve for details, so I hope someone else can tell you about ]possible agencies.

the Salvation Army is the best bet. and they have the fewest strings, if any, attached.

----------- @vicki [SnuggleWench] (Books)

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Bill of Rights - Void where prohibited by Law.Regime Change in 2004 - The life you save may be your own.

Reply to
vj

Sooz, it sounds like she needs alot of support and friendship and she is getting it from you. I'm glad that the husband is many miles away from her and hopefully he doesn't start bugging her.

Jo Jo

Reply to
SmartAlecBlonde4

Is the bill in her name? Can she call the utility and get a copy?

Reply to
Kalera Stratton

On Sun, 13 Jul 2003 17:21:27 -0400, Christina Peterson wrote (in message ):

Then I'll step up to the plate. I've always made really good money, compared to my peers. I always figured that if I had to spend time working, I'd rather make a lot for my time, rather than a little. I have a couple or three hints:

  1. Whatever you choose to do, become great at it. Don't even begin to settle for good enough. You need to become so terrific at what you do that people seek you out. You don't have to brag, a quiet confidence that you are an expert in your field gets better results.
  2. Try to pick a field which isn't too crowded. This isn't nearly as important as qualification #1, but it helps. I stumbled into technology because I love it, and the money followed. Also, if you can combine some skills which rarely go together, you're far more marketable. I speak German, was a Web Goddess and have a marketing background. That combination is incredibly rare, and it got me some terrific and well paying jobs. I also have some background in health care and statistics, which made employers salivate and offer me boatloads of money. (Which astonished me, since I'm just plain old Kathy)
  3. For women, it's helpful to get into a male dominated field. When I started, female web programmers were as rare as hen's teeth, and it sometimes gave me an edge in getting job offers. Of course, I had to prove my skills, but all things being equal, personnel managers prefer to hire a candidate that helps them EEOC guidelines.
  4. Always be on the lookout for a better job. Tell people whose jobs look interesting to you that you're interested if their company has openings. Have a good resume on your hard drive, and keep updating it. Check monster.com and other career bulletin boards. Go to events in your career field, not necessarily job fairs. Many people get stuck in sucky jobs because they're afraid to make a move. The reality is that corporations show no one loyalty, and they wouldn't hesitate to fire your ass in a second if the bottom line depended on it. You are your own corporation -- do what's best for your own bottom line.
  5. Realize that new jobs pay more than your current one does. This isn't always true, but it's time to make a move when new company hires make more than you do for the same job. No employer will give you a raise to make up for the increase in the market, so you have to go to the market to get what you're worth. In a crappy job market though, you need to be discreet.
  6. Don't listen to the experts who say there are no jobs out there: in 1981, when I started full time career stuff, we were in the midst of a horrible recession, and I had no degree and few skills (mostly several part time jobs cobbled together to equal a full time job). Yet, I found a job and had several other offers within a week. I sat down and took a good look at all my different skills and strengths and made a functional resume. I had an interview (which led to a job) where I explained how my work as a waitress gave me patience and good customer service skills. I ticked off all the steps to serving a customer (taken directly from the restaurant's training manual), and recited them to the hiring manager. She was so impressed with my thoroughness, she offered me a good job on the spot.
  7. There are always skills you can take away from a job, no matter how menial. I waitressed, worked in a parking garage, and was a short order cook. I learned customer service skills, handling money and managing time from each of them. I once worked for a fellow who was the biggest pain in the ass perfectionist you've ever met, but he taught me that you might make one mistake in a year, but to the customer who only sees you once a year that's a 100% failure rate.

I think that's about it. If you'd like, I'd be happy to help you rewrite your resume and proof it. You want to market yourself in the best possible light to get the best possible wage. Good jobs are out there, you just have to beat them out of the bushes.

Kathy N-V

Reply to
Kathy N-V

Mel,

Can you sell things on Telegraph?

Within a couple block of Sooz, on MLKJ, there used to be a couple bead stores. One the corner they sold stones, but it been gon a little while. Is the bead store still there, on the side of the street toward the Bay. It was called Zwinbayu or something odd like that.

Tina

Reply to
Christina Peterson

YES it does, and it will. As awful as this situation does seem, it will pass. Things have a wonderful way of working out for the better. Just be the best Person and Mother you can be, hold on to your hat and ride out this storm. Start thinking, little by little, how you want to make your money ect and then persuse. In the meanwhile go to Social Services and get all the help you can.

You take one step, God will take two.

Sign me, been there done that and am Grateful and Happy at the end of the day....

Paula

Reply to
Paula Hunter

Goood Morning, sorry that it so long to reply, but I just got the chance to read all the threads. Yes, and no about the drain issue. Once I'm out of the whole then I'll be able to support myself fine. I'm just not the type of person to wallow in self pitty. Needed support and other opinions to help make my final decisions. As for him bothering me, it is un-nerving and inferiorating, but I continously file police reports and Will press the DA's office to press charges and issue warrants. I will be vigulant about this one. The divorce is on the way, I can't take any more and my sanity is more important. I will be posting some items for sale on Justbeads.com over the next few days. To try and earn more money. I have checked the agencies about helping with rent and of course I earn just a little bit to much money for them to consider helping me. Time will heal all and I will learn and grow from this mistake. God Bless and stop making me cry, I'm not suppose to be all sensative and smushie. Love Melx2 Justbeads seller name (msrush)

Reply to
Melx2

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from snipped-for-privacy@aol.compuppies (Dr. Sooz) :

]I had ]what I think was a gall bladder attack last night while Kevin and I were coming ]home from dinner on the bus.

dear gods, girl!

how you manage to get ANYTHING done is amazing!

----------- @vicki [SnuggleWench] (Books)

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Bill of Rights - Void where prohibited by Law.Regime Change in 2004 - The life you save may be your own.

Reply to
vj

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from snipped-for-privacy@aol.compuppies (Dr. Sooz) :

]Lots of times I don't. Get anything done. :-P Bleh.

you're here. sharing information. that counts as "anything".

----------- @vicki [SnuggleWench] (Books)

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Bill of Rights - Void where prohibited by Law.Regime Change in 2004 - The life you save may be your own.

Reply to
vj

On Mon, 14 Jul 2003 14:01:25 -0400, Dr. Sooz wrote (in message ):

I'm sorry! I was speaking from a general, corporate point of view. When I've employed people privately, I always paid all I could, because their labor made mine possible.

I'm delighted that Mel's a goddess and that you love her mad skilz. I won't give any more job hunting advice. (Mel, don't read my post, or if you did - don't listen to me. Be like my kids)

Kathy N-V

Reply to
Kathy N-V

HAW!!!

Tina

Reply to
Christina Peterson

And that famous Sooz Effuse... thats definately something. Do you know how many people feel encouraged by your words? Worth its weight in PMC. Diana ps.. you can claim to FEEL as tho you accomplish nothing but thats another ball of wax.

-- "vj" wrote ... (Dr.

Reply to
Diana Curtis

Hi Melissa,

I know you're not the whining sort. I'm relieved that it's the immediate situation rather than an on-going think. And I proud of you for doing what Pete calls "taking back your power".

Also, remember that you probably have situational Depression right now. That doesn't mean you're depressed about the situation, but rather, that the Depression should heal as the situation gets better. So do the things that Sooz and I and several others here have to do. Don't squander your mental energy. Prioritize. Don't use up your energy fretting, or putting on a big "I'm OK" show. Give yourself good food, and enough sleep. Fresh air and walking are very, very helpful. And remember you are loved.

Tina

Reply to
Christina Peterson

PS Do you have anything up on Just Beads now?

Tina

Reply to
Christina Peterson

Positive energy to you- and of course hugs!!!!!!

Be proud for standing up for yourself!!!

Kathy K

Reply to
KDK

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