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OT: How to I help my friends?

This is extremely off topic, but knowing you all (especially the ladies, no offense guys) someone will be able to provide me some guidance.

Not a pretty story.

Just before Thanksgiving this year two of my best friends (a mother and daughter, the daughter being my age, early 40s) had their family torn apart by something that happened decades ago.

My friend, the daughter, was molested by her father a child until she was old enough to fight back. She never told anyone in her family about it until about five years ago when she told one of her brothers in a fit a anger. The father has been out of the picture 20 years when he dumped my friend, the mother, for a younger women after almost 30 years of marriage. A couple of years ago the father was arrested, tried and convicted of molesting another chold. He was sentenced to ten years in prison, but has been out on appeal until just recently when all his appeals were finally denied. When my friend, the mother, was informed that her ex was going to prison she informed her children. When my friend, the daughter, didn't react as expected and was asked why she wasn't shocked she respond "Not surprised, he did the same thing to me". Now my friend, the mother, is a complete wreck and considers herself a failure as a mother because she didn't see what was going on in her family. She absolutely refuses to speak to anyone about what happened and she needs to. She is aging visibly under the stress she is generating for herself. The daughter tells me she dealt with her issues years ago and didn't tell when she got older because she knew this would happen. There is also a huge rift between the brothers because the one that was told apparently didn't believe and was allowing the father to live with him, his wife and children (2 young daughters and a son).

These ladies are some of my best friends. I always descibe them as my Maryland adopted family as they have included me in all the family events and holidays since I met them. It pains me to see the mother in such distress and I have no idea how to help. Any suggestions?

TIA Anne (in Ellicott City, MD)

Reply to
Anne Tuchscherer
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What a distressing story - but I`d think that, if possible, they really need professional help, if any/all of them could be persuaded to take it.

Pat P

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Reply to
Pat P

I think Pat is right. The mother, in particular, needs professional help. The daughter is going to in for a very rough time until the rest of the family sort this out and seek help, so as a friend, perhaps let her know that you are there if she needs someone to just listen. Even if she has "worked things through", this is more than a person can stand alone. Dawne

Reply to
Dawne Peterson

Just be there and let them talk or not talk about it. Cheryl

Reply to
Cheryl Isaak

My opinion is that you should listen and nothing more. This friend will have to come to her own conclusions. Maybe she feels like a failure because she did see signs, but failed to be honest with herself. This is very common among women who have husbands who molest their own children.

It's a rough spot to be >This is extremely off topic, but knowing you all (especially the ladies,

Reply to
Jangchub

This touches me deeply since a *very* close friend of mine is in a similar situation. In a sense there is nothing you can do to get them through this; that will simply take time. Just say, "I know you are going though a hard time right now. If you need a friendly ear and a comforting shoulder, I'm here." After that it is up to them. If you see any signs of serious depression or rage, suggest professional help and if it escalates, do not be afraid to make the call for them.

You have known them for a long time. When they have been stressed over other things (big or small), what has helped them? What things in everyday life add more stress for them? Treat them to whatever (legally) calms them down if you can. That could be a makeover, massage, concert, shopping trip, walk in the park, a nice dinner out, a silly rented movie shared over a big bowl of popcorn and chocolates, stitch 'n' bitch... You can also volunteer to help them with the everyday chores that add to stress--yard work, cleaning, rearranging a room, cooking...

All my best to them!

Anne Tuchscherer wrote:

Reply to
Brenda Lewis

Many family tragedies can rip familires apart , but cases of Abuses are the most destructive. Abuses of all kinds , verbal ,physical or sexual ... The Secret was so well guarded, that it enabled those who suspected , to believe they didn`t know , thus telling them about it breaks their self assured Knowledge. Those who rellay never knew , can`t bear to have a `different view of their family`. And many other feelings rise to the surface !!! In this cases it is NOT enough to be a friend, one also has to have a bit of learning on how to speak/listen and react to people who went through such and experience . You can find out some adresses for help , and give her the adress ,,,you can`t make her go . You can at the right moment tell her , that It is happening to more people than one suspects, and that it is adviceabvle to speak WITH A PROFESSIONAL about it ,,,, mirjam

Reply to
Mirjam Bruck-Cohen

As others have said, be there for your friends. Tell the mother that it is a valid feeling to feel remorse about her shortcomings but tell her in no uncertain terms that all of us mothers make mistakes. Encourage her to get professional help if for no other reason than that she'll have a 'sympathetic' trained ear to unload to.

Reply to
anne

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