I am so terribly *dismayed* (DH is angry), that I must vent here.
First, the background. It isn't completely necessary, but helps you see the perspective for our tsuris. If you want to, you can skip down to "Finally, we're getting there".
When DH and I got married, I had been sewing for many years but had not yet taken up quilting. DH was working as a carpenter, but had not taken up woodworking as a hobby. We paid for our own wedding and didn't have the budget for many frills. As a result of all of this, our chuppah was VERY plain and basic-- a borrowed tallit and four wooden curtain poles covered in wallpaper.
Fast forward to two years ago. DH's youngest brother is getting married. We have been practicing our respective hobbies for several years, and offer to serve as the "Chuppah Committee" for the wedding. I made a quilt-type thing, and DH constructed four beautiful cherrywood poles, the top halves of which bore a hand-carved vine-and-leaf design. (There are pictures posted somewhere if you want to see.) Our efforts and expense were admired and appreciated by all. We spent a few minutes wishing ours had been that nice.
Fast forward again to six months ago. DH's youngest sister is getting married. It's probably a bit of a given among the family that we are now the Chuppah Committee, but we don't mind. Unlike, say, a ceramics hobby, it's nice to have the fruits of your labors anticipated and welcomed. DSIL wants her poles to be free-standing (rather than held by the attendants), so they must be siginifcantly more substantial than DBIL's. Also, the space underneath needs to be a little bigger. End result, big walnut-and-curly-maple poles and crosspieces with an eight foot *octagonal* canopy. Total price (not including shipping up north) will probably have a comma in it. In addition, I have offered to sew flower girl dresses for two nieces and will have to fly to their town out west to fit them. Free plane tickets, but probably a hotel bill.
(Finally, we're getting there.)
About two months ago, same DSIL called to see if DH and I could loan her and her fiance deposit funds (first, last, security) for their move to a new apartment in a new city. Both were changing jobs and relocating. The amount of money was substantial: we'll describe it as "more than enough to cover the quilting machine I want". For a variety of reasons--all reasonable--they were (or felt) unable to ask the few other family members who might actually have the funds. She said she would send us the security deposit from the old apartment (a third of the total loan) and would then make monthly payments. We were both a little hesitant because the size of the loan would pretty much clear out our rainy-day fund, but because we would quickly be getting a third of it back, we said OK. DH's one other stipulation was they they must pay
*something* every month. She agreed.She sent us $100 about a month ago. They've been in new apartment about six weeks, and we haven't received any more money, so DH called her last night. Yes, they had received their deposit back, but she hadn't sent it because they needed it for living expenses, after all. DH stayed calm but was livid--then you should at least have called and told us, he said. He told her she needed to send us a payment next week, and she said she would send something after Tuesday. An amount was never discussed. However, if it's not all or most of the security deposit, a serious rift is going to occur in their relationship.
Because of this, he says he will no longer agonize over--and will buy--the less expensive, less deluxe--wood for the cross pieces. We will not boycott the wedding, but will boycott the engagement party MIL is hosting for them in our town next month. He will tell her that someone other than us will have to pay the shipping costs (probably another $100) to get it up north.
We are not rich, but we have everything we need and a whole bunch of what we want. We can even explore acquiring expensive things like quilting machines! Part of this is because we have no children, a combination of accident and conscious decision. Another part is part of a conscious decision to live in a small house in a working-class neighborhood so that we have money to spend on other things. Or to save for a rainy day. They are both 30-something, never-married professionals. I don't know about the fiance, but SIL has a master's degree (related to her field of employment) earned at two Ivy League schools. Her/their relationship with us and the rest of the family has always been good.
I'm not really looking for advice (although you can make suggestions if you want!). We both knew the dangers inherent in loan money, especially to family. Although less angry than DH, I completely agree with his feelings and response. I am, as I said in my opening sentence, just so incredibly..... DISMAYED.
Thanks for reading. Nurse Ratched (remove "cuckoo" from address to reply) We'll all get back to normal if we put our nation first, But the trouble with "normal" is, it always gets worse. ~Bruce Cockburn