First of, please know that I am speaking from frustration here, so please excuse my tones & ramblings. I don't really have anyone here I can discuss this with. I'm hoping some of the more experienced moms out there can provide me with some clues.
Some of you might remember that I lost my younger sis 4+ years ago to AML. We (DH, twin sons & I) are raising her youngest daughter, who is just 6 1/2. She has been with us since she was 20 months old, about 2 weeks before my sister passed. Her time with my sis was sporatic at best, since sis was in and out of the hospital, working, (partying), etc. (Sis would not even admit that she was expecting to her other children and the extended family did not find out about the baby until sis got sick.) I know that the baby spent a lot of her time, from 14mos to 20mos, bouncing around with various caregivers, some questionable, before my sis asked/allowed me to step in. She had several health problems when she came to us, mostly diet related, since most sitters chose to shove a bottle in her mouth instead of actually trying to care for her. Her diet consisted of milk (ba-ba's) and she would eat broccoli & tomatoes. Anyway, that's a whole other story. We have worked really hard to correct earlier problems, are helping her catch up to age level reading, school work, etc. She is actually quite bright and is starting to learn very well in school. She eats like a champ now, for the most part, but there are still some textural issues. She is physically doing just fine, healthy, active, etc. (We refer to her as the "Fearless Flyer" because she will try any physical task without hesitation. The two wheeler was a piece of cake for her once she decided.)
The real problem I am having is with her behavior. I swear, if given a choice, this child makes the worst one. It's as if she has no concept of the truth or being honest, or doing the right thing. She is lying, sneaking, stealing, it seems at every turn. We can't go more than a few days without catching her doing something pretty bad. She will lie to me about the most ridiculous things, like if she had breakfast or not. One morning, she told me she didn't need to eat before school because she had gotten up while we were all asleep, eaten breakfast, and gone back to bed! Her story was quite detailed, elaborate and completely false?! Today, she stashed a little summer skirt in her backpack and put it on at school - we still have piles of snow on the ground here and she was sick last week! Last year (at 5), I had to open her coat many times to make sure she was wearing warm enough clothes because she tried to leave the house in strappy t-shirts in freezing weather! I can't imagine a 6 yo trying to wear "belly shirts" to school either - we had a talk about that also, right before the "too smalls" went into the giveaway box! At one point, we found out that she had been "raiding" all of our rooms and personal belongings, stashing our stuff (including one of the phones!) in her room. She took items like the digital camera wallet & flash disks, misc small things from the boys, money from DH, the list was amazing! She was given one day to give everything back and we kept finding little piles outside of her door. (This was six months ago, at
6 yo!) I don't even know when this stuff was taken because I'm a SAHM and she is quite well supervised, or so I thought. (She is having a hard time getting up for school lately and we're beginning to wonder if she is getting up at night and wandering the house! DH & I have even discussed putting a video camera in her room!) When we go into a store, I sometimes see her looking at things in her reach, and then looking around to see who is watching. I take her hand and lead her away before she gets into anything, but I'm sure that she would steal things if given the opportunity. Oh, the list could go on. I feel sick most times with the level of distrust I am developing for her, but the level of her behavior just doesn't seem to improve.I tried having her (and I) talk with a counselor last spring, without much progress. This counselor dealt mostly with children's grief and loss issues. We thought maybe she was having issues about losing her mom, because she was sort of focusing on that. Well, the Dr. had her talk a bit and draw some pics (which were about happy family stuff), and she considered her to be just fine. Doc said that there were some definite attachment issues, since her mom was basically absentee between working and then getting sick. Other than that, she was supposed to be "adapting" just fine. To the outside world, she is sweet and cute and adorable, but behind closed doors, I'm getting very concerned, to say the least! She simply seems to have No Conscience, which frightens me. If she is this bad at 6, what in the world is 16 going to be like, or 13 for that matter! When I talk with her about her behavior, she looks at me like I'm speaking a foreign language! She does feel the fear of getting caught, but she is not putting that together with the idea that it means that the choice is wrong. We talk frequently about listening to her inner voice, that it's trying to tell her that her choices are not right, but she is not putting them together. Is it too young for her to have a conscience? My boys never had these types of behaviors! Sure, they lied once in a while, but they learned their lessons. We, as a family, value honesty very highly. I can't imagine chosing to lie so often about so little.
I'm at a loss. On one hand, I made a promise to my dying sister, but on the other hand, I worry about the long term effects this is/will have on my own family. My sons don't understand why she acts the way she does and it causes tons of friction. There is just so much fighting and teasing, some of which is normal, but add the lying/sneaking/stealing/lack of trust and we turn a different corner. There are other family members that she could grow up with, but the best family situation, environment, supervision, examples, and guidance, are here, with us.
I would appreciate any advice that some of you could provide. I'm thinking of seeking another counselor for her, but don't know what kind to seek. I know that my sis had a real problem with reality and truthfulness and it made her short life (and that of her older children) Very Hard! I don't want to see the same for this child, but the roads are heading in that direction. Is this behavior a window into what is to come, or is it something she will grow out of? Are there things I can be doing to lead her in a more positive direction? Are there programs for children like this that can turn them around, or turn on a conscience?
TIA friends of the frame