OT: I Think I will Refuse to Volunteer ever again (LONG STORY)

Good riddance of the "abused" woman and your "friend". Prayers that you can get your life back on track and headed in the right direction.

Oh WOW----Please don't ever take anyone you don't know into your home again. If she doesn't have a green card, it sounds to me as if she's trying to avoid being deported. I hope you meant you changed all the locks, not just checked them. She could easily have had a key made. What a stressful situation. I'm sorry for you. Hugs. Gen

Gen,

You are right, I did not proof read what I wrote. Yes, I changed EVERY lock to the house, including locks in which she had no key. Made sure my Realtor came over and changed the key in the lock box. There is no way on this earth she can get back into this house without breaking in!

Debbi > Oh WOW----Please don't ever take anyone you don't know into your home again.

Oh, Debbi. I don't know you, but girl, I've been there and it also ended horribly.

I learned 2 things.: There is no house in the world built big enough for two families. And next time I have the desire to help the homeless, I will donate $$$$ to the professionals. I don't have the resources, the training, or anything else to help someone like that. I don't know WHAT I was thinking.

But bless you for trying. I think you did the right thing, in the end.

Sherry

Thank you for sharing your experiences! All in all, I think you were very lucky --- you could have been robbed, abused, battered, etc., plus accused of assisting someone violating some very serious federal laws concerning immigration fraud! You were trying to do an honorable thing, of course, but I always suggest that people assist the homeless and abused by assisting the homeless shelters and shelters for abused people, who have the expertise to help.

Goodness, Debbi, no one needs that kind of stress. You did the right thing. Sometimes our best intentions backfire like crazy...but you did try.

-Irene

Debbi, I'm glad you got out of the situation as quickly as you did.

I've been the director of a food pantry for 18 years and have had dozens of clients in similar situations. The woman who was in charge before me used to hand out cash (her own) to anyone who asked, eventually having people go to her house for more hand outs. I threatened to quit if she did this as it put all of us in jeopardy because, first thing you know, one person tells another, then another, then you have half the junkies, felons, etc. in town wanting you to take them in. They have all been investigated by the social system and rejected for one reason or another.

I'll never forget the time, the previous director ran all over town looking for a bed for a new client, who had told her he was newly married and had no furniture, nor a bed. She found him a queen-sized bed at the Goodwill Store, purchased all new bedding, pillows, comforter, etc. We (she and I) borrowed a pick-up truck, carried the bed upstairs to his second floor apartment, made up the bed, all while he stood by and watched, (he had a "bad" back). He thanked us profusely proclaiming his unending gratitude, and we never saw him again. A few weeks later we heard that he no longer needed help with food, as his new bed was making him a lot of money. HE WAS A PIMP!

There is a segment of our population who won't help themselves, all they do is intimidate and take advantage. It's sometimes hard to know whom we can trust.

I used to have a client who was mentally challenged who met people at her group meetings who were very unbalanced. She felt sorry for them and many times would open her home to them and their families. She always got screwed, lost furniture and precious belongings, infuriated landlords, lost most of her savings, etc.

I have a list of social services in my state and when someone needs help, other than food, I refer them to the appropriate people. If they legitimately need help they are grateful, if not, they will continue to badger me for money, we don't give out money, just food and bathroom supplies.

I've had to physically push a drug addict out of the building, He was high and a threat to everyone in the building, including a pre-school. My assistant was calling the police at the same time. I've had clients who would not take any food items that were not National Brand Names, this is because "store" brands do not fetch as much money for drugs. I've had clients try to sell me "at a discount" food that I know they received at the other food pantries.

On the other hand, I've met some of the most incredible, kind, loving families in the world, who will just never be able to make ends meet. One such family has 4 illiterate adults raising a young child. They survive on food pantries, recycling cans, and a social security check. I don't think they've ever done a dishonest thing in their lives. I have a morbidly obese client raising 2 teenaged relatives on $6000 a year, who would give me the shirt off her back if I asked for it. On the other hand, I once had to turn down a single woman, driving a Lincoln Towncar, who had an income of $80,000, because she obviously didn't qualify. She said no one could possibly make ends meet on her income, after all, she had to pay taxes! I don't make the government income. guidelines, just follow them. She was more than $60,000 over the limit. She slammed the doors and screamed all the way to her car.

Please be very careful how you offer your help to strangers. Always try to help, if you can, but do it through proper channels. If in doubt, call your local churches, the pastors will usually know who can best provide the needed advice. Nine years ago when we got our new minister, she came to me quietly to tell me that she was part of an underground emergency shelter chain that helped abused women, and if, in the course of my ministry, I ran across a woman in need of her services, to let her know.

Bottom line is, there are legitimate resources out there for families in need. Some families just always seem to live on the edge of society, taking whatever they can get their hands on, always expecting someone else to take care of them, and who try to make you feel guilty if you are insecure about doing it.

I think every town has a welfare office with folks who have been trained to separate the really needy from the frauds.

ON TOPIC: I'm currently giving quilting lessons to 2 of my clients in my home, we're making baby quilts for some other clients. It's been lots of fun and a great way to use up stash.

I got 67 yards of beautiful tone on tones at a yard sale 2 weeks ago for $50. Yippee!

Denise

Bless you, Denise. The world could use a lot more people just like you. Thank you for all you do.

Leslie

Thank you so much Denise. It sure opened up my eyes. To know that my friend's daughter was so upset since she only got the woman's side of the story was crazy. I never did nor will I probably ever tell her the stories-- she was quick to write off whatever I did say as my being over reactive, so I will let her handle it from here. Good Riddence! When I see my friend in August, I should have calmed down enough to tell her what was going on, but then again, who knows what I will say at that time, if anything.

Thanks again, Denise

Debbi in SO CA

Denise > Debbi, I'm glad you got out of the situation

Debbie: Well, you tried to help someone and your heart was in the right place, so don't beat yourself up. Just learn from the experience, and from the wise advice often posted right here in RCTQ. I learn something every time I read. Sometimes it is about quilting, sometimes about life.

Now you just need to concentrate on selling the house. That will help you put this episode in the background and move on. Your library might have good books to help you. One that I know is called Dress Your House for Success. It is about staging and showing the home to best advantage. Good luck.

On topic: a pretty quilt on the bed will make a nice impression! :)

Pat,

Every bed has a quilt, and I even have a finished one on the sewing table making it look like I am working on that one!

Debbi in SO CA

Pat > Debbie:

Debbi, I learned my lesson years and years ago. I was 23 and green and had a heart bigger than my brain. I was a reporter for a little paper and it was Christmas and we were writing stories about down on their luck families for the Christmas Basket program.

I met the young man and woman at a local social service agency. They had a 9-month old baby, just gorgeous with big blue eyes and this shock of blond hair that stood straight up on his little head. That baby was the cutest thing on earth. Well, they gave a hard luck story. On their way to jobs in California and the car broke down.... you know. We found them a place to live (not great, but we didn't have much to work with) and a job for the man and baby things and clothes and I bought diapers and toys out of my own pretty thin pocket. Got them food vouchers and everything.

I got a call two weeks later. The neighbors had called police about the baby s creaming for hours and nobody stopping it. They found that little baby tied by one leg to the kitchen table in that horrible trailer, crawling on the floor with roaches. There was two weeks of trash and dirty diapers -- they hadn't even carried the garbage out for two weeks. Cigarette wrappers and empty beer bottles showed what they spent the vouchers on. They were gone. Took everything of value

-- including taking the locks out of the doors. ( !!! ) I guess you can sell locks?

Anyway, after that I've only volunteered with nice, quiet programs that have vetted the recipients. I've done hundreds, maybe thousands of hours of volunteer work, but I've not become personally involved again. That was hard. Hurt like crazy to be taken advantage of when I believed them. Whatever.

Good luck to you in shaking that woman and her abusive husband. I hope you don't hear from either of them again. If you do, call the police immediately. They know.

Take care, Sunny

In Toronto, one of the companies that sells beds has a program to give used beds to people on welfare, disability or the working poor. They take the used mattresses and box springs from clients who buy a new bed, take them to a warehouse, where they are cleaned and disinfected. Any really poor mattresses are discarded. We took my son's ex-roommates to pick up a set - they were able to choose from dozens of mattresses in the size they wanted. The only difficulty is transportation, but we provided that for them.

snipped for brevity

Man Debbi, what a story! Like the old saying, "No good deed goes unpunished!" Sounds like there was more going on behind the scenes than you were privy to.

I know you're feeling aggravated and unappreciated--anyone would under those circumstances--and while I'm not suggesting you ever make the same choice again, you can still feel good about the fact that you tried to help this woman, tried to do the right thing.

Debbi, Sounds to me like you got railroaded into helping this "poor" woman. Well, you are smarter for it, and good riddence to her. i hope you can sell your house quickly, and move far far away from there!!!! Geez, i wont even let my sisters move in with me!!! you are one in a million. amy in CNY