I lost my best friend today, she didn't die, that actually might have been easier to take.
We have known each other for almost 10 yrs, been through the thick and thin and I have busted my butt to help her more times than I can count. She has some.....issues, depression, fybromyalgia, dependancy on oxycontin not to mention other drugs for panic attacks, etc, and worst of all a cocaine addiction.
We lived together for about 5 yrs until I got pregnant and moved in with the BF, she then moved into another place on her own but her married BF was footing the bill and he was fed up with the whole scenario and was tightening the purse strings. She had very little choices left with no job and she had let her nursing license lapse her only choice was to move into a cramped little house with her dad. At 30 yrs old the last thing she wanted to do was move in with her dad and her mother had just died the year before. We were looking for a new home anyway as we had another child on the way and needed more room for the children and the dogs, talked it over with the BF and we agreed that since she had apparently been 'clean' for some time that we would extend the offer for her to move in with us as long as she kept her act together. She jumped at the offer and thanked us up and down and swore that she was 'being good'. Until today she had lived with us for almost 4 months and things were a little strained but they were manageable, just growing pains I guess from adjusting to living with someone else again I had guessed. I had this sneaking suspicion that she may be sneaking a ciggarette now and then up in her room (smoking was forbidden in the house) and when she went out today (which is a rare occurance in itself) against my better judgement, I snooped in her room. I thought I was looking for cigarrettes, what I found, while I really shouldn't have been suprised was much more dissapointing. I opened one of her drawers and found a glass plate with a razor blade just sitting there, I couldn't beleive it, after all I had done for her, she brought cocaine into my house, the home where my children live!!!! Yes I had lived with her before while she had done it and while I didn't exactly turn a blind eye, I didn't have children to look out for either. That was it, I told my BF that she was out, no if's and's or but's about it. He agreed.
Problem is, I feel horrible. I know I had every right to give her the boot but I still feel bad, I lost my best friend today, the girl who I have shared everything with for the last 10 yrs of my life, she is just gone. I suppose the truth is that I lost her about 5 yrs ago when she started doing coke but I really thought she could stop, I really thought I could help her. I had to leave the house, with my children tonight and ask my bf to tell her to leave, she swore that she didn't do it and that she had just found it in one of her boxes from the move, why would someone who is no longer doing coke, put away a glass plate with a blade and a straw, along with 8 small baggies (they were empty but I knew what had been in them) in a drawer? Wouldn't you think that if this was the case you would have just thrown it out? I just don't understand why she thinks I should have believed her.
I am in the middle of feeling absolutely horrible for her, she just can't get her life together, her whole existence is to lay in bed and watch tv and make sure she has enough pills to get her through the next day, and wanting to literally lay her out for bringing this garbage in my home around my children!!!!!!!
Thanks for letting me ramble, I guess I just needed to vent a little.
Tammy, friendless in cold, wintery, Ontario :(