OT: trying to be diplomatic

How I empathise with you!

Rather than feeding you my tale of woe, may I send you to a website?

Or, if you don't like this explanation, (It's the best I could find at short notice, but there are better ones) Search for Karpman Drama Triangle.

Then you have to find ways of getting out of playiny the Game and substituting an Assertive stance without going into payoff. It's B. Hard, btw, but it DOES work.

And try to keep focused on the fact that: =you like the way you are/live =you love each other =they are temporary visitors =you will be there when they have gone =you love each other (bears saying twice)

Breathe. Step back. See their games for what they are. React slowly and with care.

Good luck! Nel (Gadget Queen)

Thank you so much, have looked at the link and googled this. OMG its them & they're trying to pull us in on their game!!! Now to read more carefully. I think that I've been doing OK, as in answering their questions as honestly as possible & you can see that they've only been asking them for a response not necessarily the answer if that makes sense.

Thank you, thank you

Janner France

On Thu, 23 Sep 2010 03:35:18 -0500, Janner wrote (in article ):

No real advice, but lots of (((HUGS))).

Maureen

Well, Janner. I'd wondered if the evil in-laws had arrived and attacked. Eleven years old is not so young that she doesn't need to learn that some folks are downright cruel. And that she can not change them. How we would love to protect ourselves and our young ones. Y'all just keep breathing. And counting the minutes until they leave. hugs, Polly

Lucky me, nobody like that in my family. (We aren't numerous!) ((((((Hugs))))))) to you and yours, and plenty of sympathy. Reminds me of the old Cold War joke:

2 East Germans (or other Soviet bloc nati>Well, FIL & MIL made it here. Luckily they are not staying with us, but

You woke a precious memory, Roberta. My 1st cousin's wife and I were very good friends. Helen and I shared lots of happy times together. However, our 4 year-old DD was quite indignant when Helen showed up at the family reunion. "What's Helen doing here?" she asked. "Friends weren't supposed to come." Polly

"Roberta" Lucky me, nobody like that in my family. (We aren't numerous!)

The Karpman Triangle is somewhat similar to (and I find both mentioned together in many of the same articles) ad the old Transactional Analysis "Games People Play" I referenced in another thread. (old idea - new packaging?) T-A uses ADULT, PARENT, and CHILD instead of RESCUER, PERSECUTOR, and VICTIM respectively (see the similarities in roles?)

Nel's on the right track here. Whichever "theory"/explanation works best (can be understood/related to).

Transactional Analysis sites:

WARNING: PG-13 ANECDOTE I'm reminded of a line from the movie, I ROBOT, when Will Smith mistakenly runs down what he believes to be a purse-snatching/mugging robot, who is actually just running to fetch its owner her medication. In the movie premise, robots are incapable of commiting such a crime, so when the woman finally confronts Will, she exclaims, "YOU... ARE A A**HOLE!"

Doc

I sympathize. My own family (not the inlaws) are like that. I realized only as an adult that they have learned only how to disempower, rather than empower. It's like, when a child looks at the moon and says dreamily, I want to be an astronaut", the number of people who will make disempowering statements, or flat out laugh at the child for such a big idea, will always outnumber them that say, "what an awesome idea!" There is a huge population of people who have been told, in one way or another, that they are, for example, unmusical. What a harmful and life altering thing to say!

Instead of being vicitmized by the negative people, I make a big effort to empower THEM - and be confident in me. I'd level with my kids that so and so doesn't understand, and we have to be very patient with them. I'd also take extra care to bolster and encourage my kids to counteract the inevitable dream buster!

Musicmaker

My point here was, while you can't always say outloud what you're thinking and would like to, you can sure think it just as loud, and in any way, you choose.

My point here was, while you can't always say outloud what you're thinking and would like to, you can sure think it just as loud, and in any way, you choose.

O....kay..... I gotta *think* about *that* one...

When FIL says to you DS that his dad is not his dad, the response would be " Well I guess that means your are not my grandfather so I'm going outside." Barbara in SC

Just like that..."we don't like the way you treat the children or us."

Personally I t hink you're a saint for not having lost your temper at all! To make your daughter cry is over the top and something needs to be said now....for her sake. Good luck.

-Irene

You have gotten many good ideas in the responses, and only you will be able to decide what works best for your particular situation.

Someone mentioned "this to shall pass", but being disrespected like that is a form of harassment and bullying. If it twere me [and I have been there] and DH doesn't want to lay down the rules, then it is up to you. If you won't tolerate that in your house/presence, say so, and keep your word if you need to banish them. When your daughter understands that is wrong coming from anyone, relative or not, she will learn how to be her own valuable person.

just my two cents worth, G> Well, FIL & MIL made it here. =A0Luckily they are not staying with us, bu= t

Oh, Yes! I love this response. My Aunts and Uncles used to criticize my parents all the time about buying a lake lot and building a nice house for the family to enjoy the water. They were always buying new cars and travel trailers and going on all these vacations. Finally one day when my Dad's sister said "It must me nice", my dad turned around quickly, and quietly, evenly and with a very definite tone said, "Yes, it's damn nice," and walked away. No one ever said anything again and their relationship improved dramatically.

Steven Alaska

I agree Ginger. They are no better than bullies on the playground. I wish that Janner's daughter could look her Grandparents in the eye and ask them in some manner if they "advocated child abuse because they sure are good at it." That might stop them cold but probably not.

Steven Alaska

Someone mentioned "this to shall pass", but being disrespected like that is a form of harassment and bullying. If it twere me [and I have been there] and DH doesn't want to lay down the rules, then it is up to you. If you won't tolerate that in your house/presence, say so, and keep your word if you need to banish them. When your daughter understands that is wrong coming from anyone, relative or not, she will learn how to be her own valuable person.

just my two cents worth, G> Well, FIL & MIL made it here. Luckily they are not staying with us, but

I cold-cocked ( isn't that the expression ?) the family Bully just once. At a family reunion and with a large audience. She said, " Your hair was pretty before you cut it". I said, " It is very cruel of you to say so." Not once, never ever, did she trifle with me again. Polly

"Steven Cook" I agree Ginger. They are no better than bullies on the playground. I wish