OT ...Way OT ...email etiquette

Easy, there, Mauvice. Calm down. We may have to send you to a twelve-step program that includes 'Help me to accept the things I can not change'. In all likelihood, you can not change your uncle. One of our sisters, also in her 70's , manages to kill off her computer several times a year and will take down the entire internet one day. I had to threaten her with absolute mayhem and get some serious technical help to block her completely from my computer. So I could still communicate with her, we have a phone plan that lets us talk frequently. Your uncle is controlling, he reads her email and 'forwards' send him into a spasm. Still, she is your aunt. How I would dearly love to have one of mine around a little longer. Oh my, they were so precious. Accept Uncle Cranky's demands. Meanwhile, have some chocolate, go shovel snow, kill ant beds and/or scrub the bathroom. Making Uncle Cranky angry will probably only make life unhappy for your Aunt. Don't do it. Pick your battles; this one can't be won. IMHO, Polly

"Mauvice in central WI" I am just furious and don't really know how to respond to this.. I

I have a question, dear. DO they have separate email addresses? I'm not clear on that. If so, now you know he reads her email. Maybe she lets him, maybe he just does it. It makes me angry too.

I have a DSIL who is cut off from communicating privately with and degree of effectiveness or regularity by her controlling husband. It makes me VERY angry. But at least now I know I can't have the kind of communications I want. But I'm thinking you still want to communicate with your Dear Aunt, even if it can't be the way you want.

So you, and I, we settle for the next level of communication, the acceptable one. The only other alternative is no communication. I hate communicating with my SDIL through filters, but I won't leave her stranded. Hang Uncle Cranky out to dry, and don't let him manipulate this into a state of non-communication with Dear Aunt.

Karen, Queen of Squishies

Send whatever you like to your aunt: killfile Uncle Cranky. Polly, I love your name for him!

If you are using a virus checker and keep your virus definitions up to date and scanning incoming and outgoing e-mails for viruses, it is unlikely you will spread a virus by forwarding an e-mail. However, any e-mail addresses that you include on a forward are then available to everyone who gets the forward and can be used for any purpose they desire. For example, if Uncle Cranky's e-mail address is on something you also forward to me, I then have Uncle Cranky's e-mail address and can send him all kinds of spam; I suppose it is possible that I could also send him a virus. However, if he is running an up-to-date virus protection program and scanning incoming e-mail, his virus checker should catch it.

You can always use bcc instead of cc when sending anything to more than one person; that way no one sees anyone else's name and e-mail address when they get it. You do have to bcc all the names on the list. The only way he has of knowing that their e-mail address was one of several that you used to send the message is if he sees other e-mail address in the list of recipients. Then he can assume that everyone else can also see his name.

Or is he basing his assumption on the fact that the subject line says Fwd:? If that is the case, you can change the subject line and anything in the body of the message so that there is no indication that it is a forwarded message.

Julia > I am just furious and don't really know how to respond to this.. I

Although I read the messages in the group faithfully as I enjoy picking up all the sewing tips and especially the shopping tips, this is one message I feel compelled to comment on. I have a couple ways that I forward messages.

1. Forward directly, but in the message I highlight all the previous email addresses and delete them. I believe in all reality those addresses may be in some sort of header that the average user like you and me don't know about and certainly aren't going to be accessing, but at least they aren't showing up on the screen when the forwarded email is opened.
2. Copying. I copy only the material that I want to forward from the message and insert it into a new message. Sometimes a message won't allow the material to be highlighted and copied. Then I click on forward which will allow copying. I highlight the material I was to forward, select copy, and close the forwarded message. Then I open a new message and insert the copied material into the the body of the email message.

With the second method, you need to fill in the subject line. You could make your subject "for auntie only." I send my granddaughter messages to her mother's email address and I always put my granddaughter's name in the subject line.

And is Mauvice your real name? I have never known anyone by that name and I love it!

Dee in Nebraska

At this late date, he's very unlikely to change. So you have three ways you can handle it.

Method 1: Fire off that angry e-mail. Your uncle will get mad in return, and tell his wife and others what an awful person you are. Nothing will improve.

Method 2: Ignore it.He's not going to change, you made a mistake, let it go.

Method 3: Send a nice email in reply. Be sure to delete from the email the part at the end where you add "BUT YOU'RE STILL A JERK!" (Very, very important to delete this from the message you send! LOL) Laugh to yourself about how glad you are that you didn't grow up in an era where men expected to monitor every communication their wives have.

You can't change him. All you can change is how you react to him. It's up to you.

I was married to a controlling man like that. I'm sorry to say- for your auntie's peace of mind and peace in her home, don't send her anything like that to cause him to get all upset and crazy. She will be taking the brunt of his ire/rage. He's going to continue to react the same way and maybe worse as time passes and you'll just cause her grief. Sad situation....

Leslie & The Furbabies in MO.

Do they actually have separate e-mail addresses? Many couples use one address and so naturally the computer whiz sees them all first. Does you aunt love e-mail? I have several relatives where the spouse prints off their e-mails because while they love to receive messages they don't like to log on and read them on the screen. Your aunt may be like that. It may not bother her one whit that he reads her e-mail; that way she only ends up seeing what is important. It doesn't mean he's an evil control freak necessarily.

You would be wise to do a couple of things in my opinion (which may not be worth much :-) Make address groups for your forwards the "quilt humor" group the "random funny things" group and so forth. That way the people who want those things get them and those who don't, don't. No mistakes.

When sending e-mails to groups of people ALWAYS, always, always put all the addresses in the "bcc" block. This way the world does not receive everyone elses e-mail address. Yes, many problems are made by putting groups of e-mail addresses in the simple "to" block. All of your friends will thank you.

Certainly you can write and ask to be removed from his political mailings group. Nothing wrong with that. After all, he probably put together his list as you did - oh, everyone needs to read this , hit forward, start adding addresses and send. Rare is the person who sends out a note "occasionally I see things of interest/humor/outrage whatever if you don't care to receive them please let me know and I won't bother you with them. People just send and assume all will be appreciated.

marcella

I agree Marcella. When I get a new email buddy I kindly tell them that I prefer not to receive non-personal emails (forwards) but please continue to write me anytime they wish which I shall read fervantly and respond willingly! No one gets offended

There are some people that no matter how many times you ask them to remove all the addresses in their forwards just don't get it. I have one friend who gets emails from a friend of hers who gets emails from a friend, etc., etc. - none of them remove any of the addresses so by the time it gets to me there will sometimes be pages of addresses before you ever get to whatever the 'cute' message was supposed to be. I'm not sure these people even know how to select and delete and it doesn't do any good to tell them - I've tried!!!

Donna in (SW) Idaho

Howdy!

"email etiquette" ?

Here's a thought: knock it off w/ the forwarded emails. How many times has the aunt &/or uncle asked or requested or demanded that the forwarded emails be stopped? Why should either of them have to put up w/ unsolicited junk, jokes, gotta' share stuff, when it's their computer? "Controlling"? Who knows-- maybe she complained enough times to her husband that he finally decided to say something about it. Sounds like he's as guilty of "bad netiquette" as he accuses others. Also sounds like neither of the senders is considerate of the other before sending "garbage" thru' the 'net, whether jokes or political opinions. "Oops! It was an accident" is a silly excuse, esp when it happens more than once. Btw, are these "forward to all" posts sent Blind CCopy? or are you including everyone's addy for everyone else to see? Bad taste, big time, very annoying and just plain wrong to give out all those addresses in public. ? The 2 twits who did that to my computer got the same treatment: I asked them to stop, when they didn't I returned their emails 5 times, so that they complained of getting all their garbage back in multiples; the one who pays for dial-up by the minute (lives out in the country) got the message, finally; the other one continues to send her goofy religious & ridiculous political opinion crap (I guess she loves that "forward to all" button), to which I reply w/ one word; she protested my usage of the word Bullsh#t, but she won't stop "sharing". So I won't stop spreading bullsh#t on her mailbox.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, here's someth> At this late date, he's very unlikely to change. So you have three ways you

DD gives 3 strikes and you are blocked from her mailbox! Grandpa got blocked ages ago. He just laughs and says 'oh well'. Once in awhile I'll send her something and I'll get the reply 'strike one'. LOL. She doesn't scare me. I know where she lives. I have had to ask a few folks to not send me a mess of forwards if they are not willing to drop a personal note occasionally too. That gets them to stop or at least write once in awhile. I keep track of whether dad wakes up alive every morning by his forwards. No forward and I call him if I know he is alone. I know how to hit delete and block sender. I can use both. Taria

Sandy Ellis> Howdy!

It's impossible to know what the situation is on your Auntie's end - does she ask Uncle Cranky to handle her emails or does he take it upon himself to do so? (I have an acquaintance who has appointed her husband to read and respond to all of her emails - consequently, I never send her an email)

I would probably just reply to Uncle Cranky that you are sorry & it won't happen again. I would not never, ever send another forward to Auntie again - no matter how appropriate it may seem to be. Doesn't seem worth all the anguish on both sides.

Thank you all for the replies, I think you all said exactly what was going through my mind, answering in an angry way will just give him more ammo to use on my Aunt.....whatever their situation is who knows....we have heard rumblings from one son but WHATEVER is going on I will not dance his dance.....I do not wish to upset her and create problems for her, which is why he has gotten away with this behavior for years(Lots more to the story), so in the end I have done nothing, and I will let it go, and I will from now on not forward anything to her with anyone else in the "TO" blank....I was just so dog goned angry at 6AM! I couldn't see straight....I thank you all for your comments/advice, you saved my sanity just by being able to write this to someone instead of chew on it all day. Uncle Crabby has little to occupy his day so I was his target today I guess....The last time this happened about 6 months ago I suggested he set up a separate email address for her so that he wouldn't be bothered with all this pesky 'foolish" email and endanger his computer....My BIL on my husbands side is something of a computer nerd...his field...they have a very expensive computer with mega virus protection and he never complains as his with my DSIL sends all kinds of forwards about viruses and chain letters! Polly I did put this energy to work for me today, I cleaned out the fabric closet at church! Reorganized some totes, tossed other tuff, and gathered quilts to be given away at guild tomorrow night so I did something constructive with my pent up Irk-ishness! Thanks again all.. Mauvice in central WI

No they do not have separate email addresses as far as I can tell, even htough I suggested a Yahoo or Gmail (No reponse from Uncle Crabby on that suggestion), and I agree no matter why I WANT to keep connection with her. So I will be more careful...unless I feel like poking him with a stick here and there.... After all I am half Italian we don't get angry we get even...HEHEHe Mauvice in central WI

I do use a virus checker and so do they ....but I will be way more careful what I send.....and use the BCC always...I understand the whole BCC idea but gee whiz a person can't make a mistake? without a severe scolding....I always wonder about people who are so quick to criticize what exactly are they up to? Thanks for your reply,

Mauvice in central WI

Maybe you could print out some of the funny forwards and save them. Then periodically mail them to your aunt to read and keep. She might enjoy the snail mail.

Atta girl. Poking him with a stick sounds good. Just don't get caught. I trust you. Polly

"Mauvice in central WI" So I will be more careful...unless I feel like poking him with a stick here and there.... After all I am half Italian we don't get angry we get even...HEHEHe Mauvice in central WI

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I choose door number 3... Mauvice