(Very long, feel free to skip) Hugs and feelings

Megan: Oh, this IS interesting! I have an opinion, and it will probably not win me a fan club, but here goes. I hardly ever get a block mailed out for a hug anymore, even when I intend to participate. (Those infamous good intentions!) The reasons are varied. Most times it is just because I have limited time for quilting, much less getting to a post office to mail anything. With that in mind, I tend to want to respond with a block (and a bit of cash to help out) when I actually 'know' the person; I often want to make a block for that particular person, but not necessarily her kith and kin. I like group hug projects to be for group members. ***Of course there are exceptions here and there, and I have participated in a few.***

Also, if a 'member' of this virtual bee is making a hug quilt for her (his) friend, neighbor, cousin, and requests a bit of fabric, I am glad to help when I can. It is easy to pop a few charm squares into an envelope and mail it out. Just as I do here in my actual bee, I try to help with theme/color fabric, but not making nor financing the quilt. Once in a while I have sent a simple block for one of those projects, if there is a particular request from a friend. I don't otherwise get very involved. It is after all, her personal hug project, not a group hug project.

Why do some people get quilts while others are overlooked? Well, I don't think this is done out of any mean-spiritedness. I would say that some people blurt out at length every personal thing. That will influence some people to want to start up a hug quilt. (Not me ... I am so not a fan of TMI, and tend to not read those posts.) I guess in summation, I would say that maybe we need to be more sensitive to each other, maybe try to be more aware if a person needs a kind email or card. Those are nice gestures of friendship too. It is not always easy to discern sadness when people are being discreet in their posts. One can't read tone or expression as in person. So, I guess it may be helpful to try to develop more email friendships, to have an extended support system if one will need it. For now, please accept my very warm wishes that your situation will improve daily. I hope that no one reading this ever needs a hug quilt for any reason except a very happy event!!

Pat in Virginia

Megan, thanks for posting this., and I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Some of us just don't feel it necessary to post to the group EVERY time life hands them a set-back. There are several who think they must let us know when even the most minute, and personal, things go wrong. (even, IMHO, to the point of being a" soap opera"), as you put it. Some have received more that 1 hug quilt, some lots of fabric squares, etc., etc. You get my drift. It seems, as in the rest of life, that the "squeaky wheel gets the grease". I also have a problem with the requests for distant relatives, from a neighbor, to co-workers, etc. If members wish to contribute to these requests, that their prerogative. I choose not to. I feel the hug list has been abused more than once. I know many will take great offense at this. That's OK---they have that right! I contribute to quilts, that in MHO are for members who really need a hug. God knows, there are a lot of them. You posted my thoughts exactly, But I feel bad it came to this. Gen

I don't know what you've been going through -- and I certainly don't neet to know. You have posted enough for us to know that there have been some not-so-pleasant changes in your life. I hope it gets better for you. Like you, I am a person who believes that I do not need to air all my personal problems in public.

I know how it feels to have someone HUGged for a situation that is not unlike your own. Shortly after my mother died -- which I believe I had mentioned -- I received a request for a HUG for someone else who had lost their mother. I didn't expect a HUG -- and didn't receive one -- but there was a small twinge of "why her and not me?" I don't remember the circumstances of the other person; in my case, my mother was elderly, in poor health, and I was not directly involved in her care. There was no reason for me to receive a HUG, and I definitely do not resent the fact that I didn't receive one. We simply cannot make HUGs every time someone in the group loses a member of their extended family; if we tried that, we'd get no other quilting done :)

I, too, am bothered by some of the requests for people outside the group, especially if they are not especially close to a member of our group. However, I know that I am not under any obligation to participate

-- and I seldom do. Hang in there, participate when you can and want to. Stick around!

Julia in MN

Megan Zurawicz wrote:

I have worried feelings about Hugs, too. But, they come from a different slant. I have a skin like an onion. Nothing I have ever been able to do in life can make it any thicker. I feel the pain of others, and feel helpless, on the whole. Sometimes I have been able to help, sometimes not. Sometimes, I have felt really bad about someone's misfortune(s) and I have sent them a small quilt of my own. Before a Hug can happen, someone has to think of it, and offer to make it. There is a lot more to this than just sewing blocks together. We all know of the finances of this, so I won't labour that point. There is also the 'convenience' part. I am usually quite busy; but occasionally I have felt that I really wanted to start a Hug. However, it has been made clear to me that 'people' would not want to send their block(s) over to the UK - even if I were prepared to send the completed quilt back to the US. So, as I said, I just do my own.

However, Megan (and I hate calling you Pig, even though I like Pigs), I think you must really disabuse yourself of the feeling that you have not been judged deserving of a Hug. I honestly and truly feel that 'deserve' does not come into it. If it did, the number would be multiplied no end.

Since you mentioned your own case, I believe I am right in saying that you were away from the group for a long time after your trauma happened? You are not alone in this. Many people have done the same thing. Others find help in talking to the group and getting the group support. It would take someone who has perhaps some 'behind the scenes' knowledge to suggest a Hug. But, if that person is lacking either time or means to do it, they might well feel reluctant to suggest that a Hug might be needed but that someone else would have to do it.

This whole matter is, I believe, vastly more complex even than you have explored here. For instance, what does one do about those who suffer chronic illness? Wait for a crisis? or just help them along day by day.

One reason that has really helped me see this, is that a Hug should be directed towards someone who has had a life-changing experience. This can be good or bad of course.

But, whatever the reason or the need, it *still* takes someone to suggest that they will do one. Also, that quilt has to be actually made. Many, many Hug quilts have been started and then just fall by the wayside. I think this is the saddest thing of all.

I'm afraid I do not take part if it someone other than our own 'members' here, whom I have come to know a little - never all.

I admire your courage in risking the wrath of others in saying this; and am very sorry that you feel you have not suffered enough to merit one. Sadly, without committees and working groups etc etc to read and judge every single message, this is always going to happen.

I hope you are now further forward in your journey towards your own resolution of this hurt. . In message , Megan Zurawicz writes

Megan,

I am very proud of you! It took a lot to express your feelings in order to work through them.

I don't want to comment on the whole HUG issue, as I don't think this is really what is going on with you in this moment. I think it was the stress and frustration that it has been causing you as it continuously rolls around in your head. By airing, hopefully you have found new light, and a lot of relief.

You are not alone!

BIG CYBER HUGS!!!!

Dannielle - one who evidently doesn't have a life! ROFL

As current "keeper of the Hug list" -- I feel obligated to respond. Again -- this is my opinion -- and my opinion only.

I'm sorry if anyone ever feels overlooked because they haven't received a HUG quilt -- especially during difficult times in their life. I know in my heart that it is not intentional. I can't believe anyone here would consciously think -- she doesn't need or deserve a HUG.

I guess I'm a pragmatist. Not every good citizen is recognized as citizen of the year. Not every good man is recognized as man of the year. Teacher of the year.... and so on. Not every family in need gets toys from Toys for Tots -- or from the local VFW. For whatever reason... at any given point in time -- some come to the surface... and others do not. I can't change that. Nor can I explain why.

As for Hugs -- I understand that many RCTQ members choose not to support HUGs for non-RCTQ individuals. However, it is my opinion - that everyone here has the right to ask for help if someone in their life needs a HUG. I have no problem "bothering" people by sending an email to those who have chosen to be on the list. Whether they choose to hit delete for any given request... or respond with a block is totally up to them. I keep no record of who gives and who doesn't. Personally -- I don't care. It is very much a personal decision. We all participate when we choose to -- or when we can. There are nearly 200 names on the list who receive the request. For any HUG request -- only a percentage choose to participate. The request may hit someone at a bad time... or they just choose not to participate for whatever reason. To my knowledge, no one has EVER kept a list other then to send thank you's to those who sent a block. The initial requests are sent "blindly" -- to keep the list private. (although I did once mess that up!) So no one really knows who is on the list... and who isn't (except me right now...)

As "keeper of the list" -- I do not feel it is either appropriate or "my job" to solicit people to make a HUG quilt for someone. To volunteer for such a project takes a tremendous amount of time and money. It is a gesture that needs to come from the heart. I can think of nothing worse than asking for someone to "chair a HUG" and get no takers. I would then be in the position of "guilting" people into it... and that I will not do. If someone chooses to make a HUG top -- but seeks help with the quilting... we do put that request out. But we NEVER twist arms or put any pressure. Someone either responds... or they don't. If no one steps up -- then the HUG maker needs to move to a Plan B.

Nor do I believe I should censor requests. I'm of the opinion that anyone can ask anything... each of us has the right to answer in our own way. If someone in your life needs a HUG -- but your time is short and you wish to call upon your "family" for help... I see no problem in asking.

So while I'm sorry if anyone feels overlooked... or hurt... because no one stepped up to make a HUG for them, in a volunteer environment such as ours, I'm afraid it is the nature of the beast.

I'm sure if you ask 10 people -- you'll get 10 different perspectives on these questions. Again -- this is my personal opinion which reflects the manner in which I administer the HUG list. I respect each individual's right to their opinion. If someone takes issue with the way I handle things, I invite you to have a ***PRIVATE*** discourse with me... off the list.

If I were not, I would not have been able to post. As I said, I'm beyond this, except that I found I was harboring a (probably somewhat irrational, being aware of all the factors you mentioned) bit of resentment toward the group, and I didn't want to. Airing the problem lets me release that and let go of the issue entirely.

I've also gotten a surprising amount of direct email from folks of the "me too" variety, so whatever hesitation I had about posting that is gone.

--pig

Kate, absolutely *nothing* I said was intended to be aimed at any particular person, and it never even occurred to me that you (or your predecessor) would think it an comment on the keeper of the list. No such intention here.

The core problem with the situation, and no, I don't know of any sort of fix for that, is that you're being very Spock there---shouldn't THINK (i.e. logically) that their exclusion holds signfiicance or is an intentional slight.

Well, of course not. And I would bet that not only myself but everyone else here who's been in that situation never calmly logically thought anyone here was "out to get them" by excluding them.

But when you're in that situation, you're not running on logic. You're running on feelings. And feelings aren't logical. Feelings just cry out to be noticed, and hurt when they aren't.

--pig

I didn't take it personally -- and I certainly understand and agree that when emotions are running high... logical thinking rarely does.

I'm so very glad you're back... and hope that your troubles are on their way out of your life. May many blessings fill the space they leave behind.

Megan, I understand. I worked in the same town, in the same building for 40 years. I always took part in the weddings, baby showers, funerals and other events with thoughtfulness including making quilts, bringing food, christening gowns, monogrammed linens and even hosted many of the functions, especially the 'new' grandmother showers. When I retired, I was given a cd of George Burns and a coffee mug. (It's okay, go ahead and laugh.) For too long a time, I wondered why when I finally had an event (since I hadn't had a wedding or baby or something) that my 'friends' could be so cheap, unconcerned and thoughtless. Would you believe one of them even called me after I retired to say that their new baby was being christening on thus and such a date and she wanted her next christening gown done in cutwork just like her other baby's? I have mellowed. Now, I just think the newest and very abused word of the family's 4 year-old. "Whatever". Polly

Kate in MI wrote:

First off, I want to say I have absolutely NO problem with Megan's post. I too have a problem with people who post asking for help to make HUG for their second cousin's first husband's aunt whose neighbor's third child has lost...... well, you get my drift. I have now made 6 {{{Hug Quilts}}}. The first two were for members of our group who both lost their spouses, one to long term cancer and the other to a totally unexpected stroke (I think) at a very young age. I had absolutely no problem asking the group to send blocks for those two quilts. Two of the HUGS were made for personal friends who had "normal" bad stuff happen in their lives (breast cancer, death in the family) and I did not ask for blocks from the group because I had my Needlework Group help with making them. The final two were for people who were totally unknown to the group but DESPERATELY needed to know that there were people in this world who would do something good for a stranger out of the sheer kindness of their hearts. The first was for my very dear friend Janet (she's never been married so has no children or an "ex") who lost absolutely everything she owned, including her THREE CAT BABIES, in a house fire. All she had left were the clothes on her back and her fuzzy pink house slippers. I purposefully asked the group for help with that HUG so that Janet could truly feel the caring that this group is capable of. The second of these non-group member Hug Quilts was for one of DH's co-workers (not even a personal friend), "Little Mike" by name, who lived and worked in the New Orleans area. He and his wife lost their first born to some sort of heart problem when the baby was just 10 days old in January of that year. They dealt with that loss and went on to build a brand new home in Slidell that they moved into in June of that year. That year that saw The ULTIMATE Bitch -- KATRINA -- visit the Gulf States. Little Mike and his wife lost everything they had left to Katrina. I don't know how they felt but I was devastated to learn of their loss and making a HUG for them was almost as healing an endeavour for me as receiving it was for them! Without hesitation, I asked this group for help because, under those circumstances, I knew that many of us truly needed to do something, *anything*, to help those who had felt the wrath of Katrina. There were any number of people who sent a block or bit of fabric with a note saying that they were not in a position to do much for any of the people left in the wake of the storm -- especially the folks who live outside the States. These people were happy to be able to do this small thing to help someone heal after the storm. Like I said, these two people suffered a tragedy that was outside the "normal" range of most rotten things that happen to us in our lives. I probably could have gone without asking for help with Janet's quilt because I had my Needlework Group to help. Also, through her family in another state, I had contacted other friends and gotten blocks. For Little Mike, I most certainly would have asked the group for help. What that couple suffered in just 8 short months went so far beyond what anyone should have to deal with that I knew they needed the healing of a HUG made with blocks from this group. I guess my point is that it seems there are times when the whole group, even those of us who *never* feel the need, knows that we need to reach out to someone desperately in need. My heart aches for those of us who have truly needed a HUG but didn't get one for whatever reason -- and I am positive that this number is way higher than any of us would guess. It's just not the kind of thing the person in need can ever actually say anything about without getting into the whole "soap opera" thing. VBS, it's a very complicated thing, this "knowing" when a HUG is truly needed or someone is deserving, etc. I'm just glad that we, as a group, are here to help when someone asks for that help. I just wish that one of us was a bit more psychic and could let the rest of us know when one of our members truly needs the loving support of a HUG but is too private to post about their problems. CiaoMeow >^;;^<

PAX, Tia Mary >^;;^< (RCTQ Queen of Kitties) Angels can't show their wings on earth but nothing was ever said about their whiskers! Visit my Photo albums at

40yrs, omg, the mind boggles. it amazes me some folks think or dont think. we'd sure miss you if ya retired from rctq and its not been 40yrs....yet. :) we'd probly even hang balloons off the gators ears. any excuse for a party around the old cyberquilting frame. i'm gobsmacked at the second christening request. some people!! maybe ya should of made one and given it along with the invoice to cover your work or just tell her she couldnt afford the second one. :)) we all drink something hot in winter at least, be it coffee, tea, hot chocolate or just water and i guess GB is good for a laugh. he shares the same initials with the outgoing admin. that was often good for a laugh, eh.

whatever, lol. doesnt that go along with 'talk to the hand'. i hate that one, never used it myself, but i can see where it sooooo would work at times. j.

"Polly Esther" wrote... Megan, I understand. I worked in the same town, in the same building for 40 years. I always took part in the weddings, baby showers, funerals and other events with thoughtfulness including making quilts, bringing food, christening gowns, monogrammed linens and even hosted many of the functions, especially the 'new' grandmother showers. When I retired, I was given a cd of George Burns and a coffee mug. (It's okay, go ahead and laugh.) For too long a time, I wondered why when I finally had an event (since I hadn't had a wedding or baby or something) that my 'friends' could be so cheap, unconcerned and thoughtless. Would you believe one of them even called me after I retired to say that their new baby was being christening on thus and such a date and she wanted her next christening gown done in cutwork just like her other baby's? I have mellowed. Now, I just think the newest and very abused word of the family's 4 year-old. "Whatever". Polly

Megan, I don't know you well, but I hope somewhere amid all this talk that you are healing from the hurts in your life. Reading your post I felt so sad that you have felt unseen or unheard. And Polly, OMG -- George Burns? Sigh. What numnuts you worked with. I do hope that you just didn't do that baby gown.

As for hugs, I have contributed to hug quilts when I could. Others I haven't. But I do make hug quilts for folks. I am quite active on another group and one of our members learned she had brain cancer. She was, as anyone would be, devastated. I made her a quilt over a weekend

-- the brightest thing you ever saw -- and sent it off fast. I know she got it and that it meant a lot. I have no idea how she is or if she's still with us. She stopped posting within a couple months of receiving the quilt. She sent me a note asking if I really meant the quilt for her and saying nobody had ever in her life made anything just for her.

Now that's a powerful thing for us to all think about. In this world, it's really easy to buy a card or a bunch of flowers or a teddy bear and send it off to a friend. But not many people ever receive something made just for them. It's special and big medicine. I think sometimes we come to take for granted the value of what we do. We make love, magic, healing with our own hands and we can bestow that magic if we choose on another person.

I don't know if anything I've written here makes sense. It's late and I'm tired and really had promised myself I wouldn't be on the computer. Like I said, I'm without discipline. I just know that this group is filled with love and generosity and a wonderful sense of humor. All good things.I'm going to think about this for a while. Like many things of great value, it's worth mulling.

Sunny

Thanks for the hugs. Everybody in need of it. This is the time of recession - only for money and not love. Thanks once again. Baba

I do understand your feelings. We all deserve the best from life and from our friends, and there is seldom any perfect justice. But I feel that reading the newsgroup every day is usually enough of a hug to get on with. And I really like reading your posts. Roberta in D

The beauty of a HUG is that you may contribute or not to it. The choice is yours. I have tried to contribute to any hugs for on-list frequent contributors, but because of my own life, have not always been able to do so. Sometimes I contribute to a hug someone is making for a friend, co-worker, etc, because the story of my cyber-friend's friend has touched my life too.

The important thing is -THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

Linda, Boxtop Queen PATCHogue, NY

Did you make the second one? Something like that sounds like an heirloom that multiple family members would wear. My kids both wore the same christening gown; I intended it to be some sort of heirloom. All 4 grandchildren have also worn it.

Julia > Megan, I understand. I worked in the same town, in the same building for 40