Advice for the Holidays
- Avoid Carrot Sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table know nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they are serving rum balls.
- Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of the year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it's 10,000 calories in every sip. It's not like you can turn into an eggnogaholic. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
- If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes and fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano and repeat.
- As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
- Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
- Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10 pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
- If you come across something really good on the buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
- Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. If you don't like Mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor day?
- Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, avoid it at all costs. I mean, have some standards.
- One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread the tips and start over. But hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember the motto to live by:
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride".