I know this has been on here before, but I thought I'd pass it on to you all anyways.
Also a question for those of you who are/were "just a mom". Do you really run into this attitude when you tell people? I am also "just a mom", and have never run into any negativity when I say that I'm a stay at home mom. In fact many have said "Isn't it great!! That's what we do/did." or they say that they wish that they could have worked it out to stay at home as well. Just wondering if maybe it is a geographic/cultural thing that I haven't run into the negativity from others.
I have. From young women who opine that THEY aren't going to "waste their brains" staying at home with the children to grandmothers who accuse me of spoiling my children by doing so.
Granted, I've also gotten plenty of positive feedback about being a SAHM. But I do get negative as well.
I usually get the, "oh really?" or the polite shut-down, change of topic, or urgent need for them to be elsewhere. Oh well, if they don't want to bother talking to me because I am staying home raising my children, so be it. I *do* have a college degree, I *do* more than just run the children to their activities, I *do* more than take care of the house....but that doesn't seem ot matter to most people . Even my Mother still has a hard time accepting that I chose to stay at home and raise the children - she shuttled me to daycare at 2 months (according to my father, who was the one that took care of me when I was sick).
Never told anyone I was "just" a mom -that's such an apologetic phrase. Nothing to apologize for! With 2 children and several volunteer activities, I worked all the hours of the day. No paycheck, but work all the same. Roberta in D
"Charlotte Hippen" schrieb im Newsbeitrag news:VVcpg.12589$FQ1.8225@attbi_s71...
My mother had a bit of a hard time with it at first too I think. She never said so, but I could tell by the comments she made and her tone of voice that she wasn't entirely happy with my choice. I think that the fact that I also have a college degree was her problem. I think she saw me as wasting my time and money spent on a degree since I'm not using it. She's gotten used to it now and has no problems with it (as far as I know anyways).
I don't tell people that either, and don't know why anyone would. I just used that since that was what the story was using. Note I put it in quotes. Was mean a little sarcastic, but then how could you tell that when you can't hear it in the tone of my voice. When asked what I do for a living I tell people that I take care of my boys.
Listen all you (just a mom), you have the most important position in the whole world and don't ever ever be apologetic about it, be proud and remember when someone is not thinking the same way send them fly a kite. I'm your biggest admirer and don't forget that the loving care you are giving your children to prepare them for life has no dollar value, nobody and no money in the whole world can buy your job, it's priceless. You all are in a class above the rest. Keep on caring. Dixie. P S Remember I write in English and think in French.
When I give to you something I made with my hands I share my heart.
Being a dad connotes being a good provider and all sorts of stereotypically male things that many of them like to brag about, the more so if they have a preponderance of sons (many cultures view men as more manly if they have sons than if they have only daughters). Plus there's the added machismo that they successfully impregnated a woman. Some men will puff up like roosters over that alone.
Being a mom, more specifically a SAHM, OTOH means doing all sorts of tedious work considered meaningless, mindless, unskilled and demeaning in modern western culture and requiring no particular amount of education to do properly. Dad gets to get away from screaming babies and bring home 100k a year; Mom gets to stay home and get barfed on, peed on, pooped on, screamed at and run into the ground while attempting to keep everyone fed and the house from falling into complete disarray.
SAHMs will get no respect until our society looks beyond the appearances and begins to appreciate the value of what a SAHM does. I don't expect this to happen any time soon.
I stay at home (not entirely by choice!), and work at non-mum stuff as well as the mum/housekeeper/cook things. On the whole, the mum stuff is fun, and not too hard with just the one. The non-mum work (sewing for others) is another whole bunch of fun, and I like the cooking. It's the compulsory housekeeper stuff that sucks! DH and I split that: he does the ironing and the shopping, and runs the boy too and fro, while I plan and cook most of the meals, do the major (but infrequent!) cleaning, and sort the laundry. What's necessary gets done: mine isn't the cleanest or tidiest house in the village, but it rarely looks like a crap heap either. 20 minutes tidying and a buzz round with the hoover sorts most things.
I agree with you. I saw a saying once that goes something like "my house is clean enough to be healthy and messy enough to be happy". That is kind of my house cleaning motto. I keep up with dishes and laundry, etc. but don't fret if there is a layer of dust on my bookshelves etc. I like to enjoy my time with my kids. If that means the dishes sit in the sink for a few hours before I get to them so be it. If my house is not spotless who cares, I'm enjoying my boys while they are still young. All the rest will still be there, but I only get one shot at participating in my sons' lives and enjoying watching them grow. I'm not going to give that up because someone might come over as see a few dirty dishes in the sink. Most people that stop by don't care about that, and the ones that do can just deal with it.
When I visit my friends, so long as the mug my tea arrives in is clean, I don't care if the floor has jam on and there's yoghurt on the ceiling. I'll even wash the mugs and make the tea! :)
I made one friend giggle last night: I told her the house is OK, until you get down to ankle level. Just ignore the floor! Now it has reached irritation level, so tomorrow I'll tidy it, put the papers for recycling, and drag Mr Dyson's natty invention round. Then I'll get on with the customer sewing.
The people we bought our house from didn't do much in the way of cleaning when they moved out -- there was *cat hair* in the fridge. EWW. (THAT'S disgusting!)
I've had my share of sticky floors though. And still do. Blech. But oh well -- my youngest is 15 and the boys are still pretty careless in the kitchen.
For what it's worth, I don't think when someone asks, "Do you work?" that they are planning to belittle the career of stay at home mom. Most of the time, I think they are simply hoping to begin a fairly impersonal sort of conversation when meeting a new person. Of course, if they were careful, they would ask, "Do you work outside the home?". Many of us have learned that the hard way. When I was just a puppy at my first job, one of my duties was to list the occupation of each person on jury panels. The dear, gentle woman I worked with taught me to phrase the question safely. If you announce that you are a stay at home with a defensive tone and say no more, I'd kinda think that attitude would cause the questioner to disappear at the first opportunity. They're just being friendly, for goodness sake. Don't give them a lecture. If you've spent the last 6 weeks coddling a teething baby, you can at least add "When the children are grown, I'm going to do something easy like running automatic weapons into Ballalawonga". Polly
I think many women who work full time outside of the home, who allow someone else to raise their children (daycare, teachers, babysitters) do not have a clue about the tasks/responsibilities of being a stay at home full time mother. Personally -- I liken it to being a CEO of a major organization.
I have never said "just a mom" -- but have said a "full time wife and mother" --
Stay at home wives and mothers are busy on so many fronts. They make homes (not merely provide shelter and food). I think the art and value of "homemaking" was lost for a while. I am hoping it is returning! Too many young women were raised with the lesson that to be of "value" to society they needed to be monetarily rewarded for tasks provided outside the home. Many full time moms contribute hundreds of volunteer hours each year. To scouting and elementary schools and to churches and pee-wee sports teams and PTO's and in so many other ways.
I guarantee to you that my college degree helped make me a better parent. I learned about successfully multi-tasking. I learned about setting goals and developing strategies to accomplish those goals. I learned to prioritize. I learned that often the value isn't always the product -- but the sometimes the process. These lessons can be learned outside of college as well - but I guarantee my education was not "wasted".
I also believe, that those that are most vocal about how much of a "waste" it is to be a full time mom, are frequently jealous -- not just of the time you have with your children
-- but that you can find joy and worth in doing that. For whatever reason -- they can't and need to be validated by others... instead of from internally -- knowing that the job they are doing has far more value than almost any paid position! Generally I suspect that deep down these individuals often lack confidence and a feeling of personal value -- feeling they have to "prove" their worth to the world.
Just remember, when your children are 15 or 20 or 30.... they will not remember (or care much) about the great account you landed, or the sale you made or the case you won. They will remember you were there when they hit their first home run, they had a part in the school play or baked their first cake. They will remember you were there when they had the chicken pox or the flu. And when I am 60 or 70 or 80 -- those, too, are the things I will remember fondly.
"Stay at home moms"....stand tall and be proud (as you should be) of truly taking the time and making the sacrifices to put your children first.
Kate in MI
This probably has opened a HUGE can of worms... and if so, my apologies in advance. I am speaking only for myself expressing my personal opinions. I am speaking as a Mom whose children are now grown -- and if I could do ANYTHING differently -- it would have been to be home more.... and not worried about the bigger house or newer car.
(All that said, I recognize that there are situations where women have no choice but to work -- they would prefer to be home with their children but for whatever reason they cannot. That is not the people I am referring to. My comments are specifically referring -- in my opinion -- to situations where earning more $$$ to acquire more stuff or to get stroked by others for a job well done becomes more important than being a full time parent to your children.) again... strictly my opinion....
"Polly Esther" wrote in news:ChGpg.1580$ snipped-for-privacy@newsread2.news.pas.earthlink.net:
Very well put!! I can remember meeting one of DH's co-workers spouse.... and she asked if I worked and I gave a very defensive answer for being a stay at home mom, she laughed out loud and said I'm a stay at home mom too Decided right then and there that I needed to stop being defensive about it. Didn't owe anyone a reason and if they had an issue with it... it was simply that... their issue.... not mine to take on. ;-) Of couse I started a business this year rotfl... but it's one that is done at night and on weekends when I'm not needed for my day job ;-)
Thanks Polly, and another thought: staying at home doesn't automatically make you a good mother, as well as working doesn't automatically make you a bad mother. I think it's mixed like in every aspect of life and everyone should accept the choices another person makes. Heidi
Picture the woman with a satisfying career. Let Prince Charming come along, sweep her off her feet and into a pregnancy or two and out of her career ... fade to grey for 20 years or so while she devotes all her energies to raising the children and keeping the castle for the Prince (without any servants, mind). One day the Prince comes home and states that he has been soooo unhappy for such a long time and he just doesn't want to be married after all, at least not to her.
At this point our SAHM is pretty much out of luck. She is 20 years out of date with her career field, has no "employment" record to show to prospective employers, has no health insurance, social security or retirement fund of her own. She is at the Prince's mercy as to spousal support and any security for her "older age". Even in a community property state she is headed for poverty, and in states without community property laws she is in truly dire straits.
My advice to young women is to work at least part time outside of the home as soon as the youngest child is in school full time! Build up your own social security pot; build up your own employment history and get some items to add to your resume.
Sometimes a Prince can turn into a Frog and it will happen when you least expect it.
Anne > I think many women who work full time outside of the home, who allow someone
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