OT What am I going to do with her?

I feel your 'pain' Nightmist.

One of the first things I said to my DMIL after we were married was that I would always be happy to see them; but would they *please* call first. I can't handle unannounced visits.

Yes, it's good that she gave you nearly 24 hours notice >g< Try to have fun!

. In message , NightMist writes

I used to have a similar problem with my DH father and his wife. They lived

3 or 4 hours away and would travel a longer distance to see her children, then just stop by our house on their way home. I never knew when the door bell would ring and there they were! I repeatedly would ask them to please call first because we were very active in different organizations. If they would call, we could rearrange our plans for different meetings. This would happen 2 or 3 times a year. Yes, we would always call and plan when we were going to visit them for a couple of days, and we slept in the back of our van and we took groceries with us because I had written down the brands that she like to buy.

I don't think they believed us because they continued to "just stop by" after they had been in another part of the state for about a week. So I stopped rearranging my plans and just took her with me shopping in another city or whatever I had already planned. Also, I asked that she not smoke in the house because of our asthma and allergies. This was NOT a good situation! No one was really happy when they visited us. We were the overnight visit when they were on their way home, so they wouldn't need to get a motel room. Hope things work out for you. Barbara in FL

You remember that Serenity Prayer with the line 'help me to accept the things I can not change' ? Well. There you are. It sounds as if you are not going to change your folks. Either they are thick-headed, hard-down mean or have some sort of ism that makes them resist being controlled. Sure it hurts, sure it's annoying. We have a brother-in-law that does that. There's no changing him. We just love him anyway. Life's too short to fight battles you can't win. Polly

Some folks are just a bit more spontaneous than others, and don't do well with advanced planning. Or maybe she was embarassed that she told you she wasn't coming, but then they decided to travel anyway. Or maybe they wanted to surprise you :)

Sometimes one has to accept the fact that there are fundamental differences that you can't change.

I wish my parents would show up unexpectedly at my door...anytime, day or night as I'd welcome them with kisses and open arms -- my mom died

5 years ago and my dad 15 years ago.

-Irene

Had a relative like that. Once I was in the middle of Spring Cleaning, mop in the middle of the room, had to stop to feed the baby. She walked in and said."Oh caught you at a bad time." I just said; 'I could use some help" and she washed the floors and helped with laundry...stayed the rest of the afternoon. That evening we took her out to dinner. Worked out the best for all of us. She still did pop in on unnotified visits but from then on was always 'ready to help'. Kids even started to call her "Grandma" which tickled her to no end. Their "real Grandma" lived 2 miles away and couldn't be 'bothered' to come over.

Invited for lunch? Let THEM pay as it wasn't scheduled in YOUR budget. Sounds like you have a very 'controlling parent' like I did. I just didn't dance their dance so they couldn't be 'bothered' with me/us.

Not much help, but I guess I'm saying DON'T change your plans for, or because, of them. Make them adjust to YOU. After all, they did come to see you. 9Makes me wonder how many of teh OTHER relatives in town asked how YOU were doing, so they decided they had better find out.......

Butterfly (now, I'll read the rest of the replies)

I highly recommend a stiff shot of your favorite beverage. Strictly medicinal. So far, I can find no other reasonable way to deal with family members. I don't know why it has to be this way. And I'm strongly hoping that I and my sons can break the cycle of treating each other with grand disregard.

Hugs, good thoughts and hopes you find a way to cope, Sunny

You know what? I miss my mom and dad dreadfully too, but I still don't wish they would just "pop in". The "pop in". It's brutal.

Cindy

Yeahbut, Polly. Life's too short to be aggravated by inconsiderate people too.

Cindy

Honestly, the 'popping in' doesn't bother me a bit. Others, it bothers a lot.

LIke I mentioned earlier, there are fundamental differences in folks, that you can't change.

It would be terrible (and boring) if we were all the same, wouldn't it?

-Irene

I might get in trouble here, but. . . Is the 'call ahead' a more northern thing than southern thing? If it's family, just 'popping in' is fine with me. I'm the mother, grandma, and I have a son who married a girl from NY and they insist that I call ahead. So if I'm out shopping and just want to stop by to see the kids for a few minutes, I don't unless I can call and get permission. At least that's my feeling. It has really put a distance between me and them. If someone 'pops in' they are expecting that you are not formally prepared for a visit, especially if you're family. If that means sandwiches for dinner and getting the kids to dance practice or sleeping on the couch, that's OK. Being treated as 'guests' does not create a close family relationship. Just my opinion, don't jump on me, please. Michelle

Wouldn't bother me so much, but if they just pop in when I am not at home it might be another year or two before I see them again. At least with a call I can work out a time and all with them. Having some advance notice so I can check around with my relations would be better. A couple of years ago they just swung by to pick us up and take us to a special dinner for my grandmother with everybody on my mom's side, with no warning of any sort whatever. I had less than half an hour to get the whole family dressed and ready to go. I now have an aunt and an uncle who have promised to give me advance warning if something on that order comes up again.

NightMist

It may be even more a city vs country thing. I don't have a problem with "popping in" for local folks, as long as they don't expect me to be at home waiting for them. I'd not be too happy with a close family member traveling a long distance (several hours or more) and not giving me a bit of advance warning so I could at least plan to be home when they came. And I would not be happy with parents or siblings who traveled a distance to come to the city where I was living without giving me some advance notice, even if they were coming for some other purpose. You don't travel 1500 miles on the spur of the moment; it takes some advance planning and I would expect at least a phone call once their plans were definite. If it were a more distant relative or someone who was not a close friend, and they are coming to town for something else, a phone call after they get here would suffice.

Julia > I might get in trouble here, but. . .

Exactly so. If they lived 20-30 miles off, it wouldn't be an issue. But they are far enough off that the most I can expect is a once a year visit. If they just drop over and I am at the grocery store because I didn't know to expect them, it is just as likely that I won't see them for at least another year as it is they will try again.

NightMist

It seems some of us have missed the point. She just doesn't want to MISS the visit by being gone when they stop by.

No, it would be calm and very peaceful! :-)

Cindy

OH! Big difference then. Never mind.

Cindy

In my mom's family, someone was always dropping by for a visit. You never knew who was going to show up or when. And since nobody locked their doors, you never knew who was going to be sitting in your living room when you came home from the store! Nobody thought anything about it. I remember one time as a kid, coming home from a day of being out and about. We walked in and all our furniture was rearranged. Living room furniture in the dining room, Bedroom furniture switched around. Everybody (including my parents) thought that was a hoot! That Uncle Mac was quite a prankster. Can you imagine?

I don't like surprises. I like being able to plan and to know what's coming up. I also keep odd hours and if I decide to lay down and sleep in the middle of the day, I do it. Non of this lends itself to the Pop In.

I wouldn't think of dropping in unannounced on anybody. Friends or family. When people do it to me, I'm welcoming and as gracious as I know how to be. God forbid, they should be made to feel uncomfortable. And since people do it to me all the time, I guess I hide it well.

OTOH, making an issue of it like your son and DIL have, certainly doesn't lead to happy family relations.

I don't know what the answer is.

Cindy