OT: Will things ever settle??

It's been two weeks since my dear Mom passed away. I now know what the phrase "Death with dignity" means. She did it her way. She insisted on being home surrounded by people she loved.

My biggest regret was that we weren't able to get her to switch doctors sooner and she lived the last year of her life in a great deal more pain and discomfort than she needed. He assumed "Old lady" and never did much to diagnose conditions that could have been treated to make her comfortable.

The big issue in our lives (myself & my sisters) is what to do with her beautiful house. The three of us now share an interest in it. One sister wants to sell it asap before it gets hit by a hurricane (Florida) and because the housing market is declining. The other can't bear to see any of my mother's things touched. I guess I'm somewhere in the middle, but I'm many miles removed from the situation and only get the phone calls from each of them. It's a hard thing when everyone is still grieving. I wish there was an easy way to handle this. I hope we can work things out when I go down in a few weeks to get the dog.

I did get my sister to agree to go through my mother's drawers and pick out the clothes she wanted me to make into quilts for her and her

2 children. I just wish I could remove the hurt.

Linda PATCHogue, NY Linda PATCHogue, NY

Reply to
WitchyStitcher
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Linda.... I can't begin to imagine how difficult it is to lose your DM. Losing my DF 5 years ago and my DSis last year stills hurts badly on some days.

Is there any possibility that you and your sisters could take a joint vacation to your mother's home and go through the house and designate what things you want kept, sent to family members.... etc... then hire someone to have a tag sale with the remainder.

If the market isn't the best for selling right now... maybe you could consider renting it out (not for short term renters... that would be quite the headache unless you could charge enough to hire a management company; many realtors in Florida provide this service) ... but maybe a one year lease? That won't solve the hurricane problem... but could buy you some time until the market is more favorable for selling. Having rented out my home, I would suggest you do a thorough credit and background check and require a sizeable security deposit.

Where in Florida is your mother's home?

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers... sounds like your Mom was a special person... and I know you must miss her deeply.

Reply to
Kate G.

(((Linda))) It is bad enough losing your DM, but dealing with this too. I'm so sorry you all are going through this. I can't offer any advise, just positive thoughts and prayers that you are all able to heal and resolve the matter of what to do with your mothers things without too many fights and hard feelings.

Reply to
Charlotte Hippen

We had to go through this as well. Once, when SMIL moved to an apartment, then again when she moved into a nursing home. SIL wanted everything to stay the same, and was upset when family members wouldn't take her Mother's treasures. DH and I tried to be diplomatic about everything, as decisions had to be made. I'm sure you three will be able to come to a realistic decision soon. Sorry for you loss Susan in Kingston ON

Reply to
Susan Torrens

Yes, things will settle - eventually; but there will probably be a few anxious months, before you can see the way forward clearly. Your hearts are still raw - the fact that your mother had been ill for some time doesn't lessen the grief you now feel.

Here, an inherited house cannot be sold until the will has been proved (probate). Although it is a nuisance, in one way (and it can take several months); it is also good in that it gives you a breathing space.

However, if you can deal with it sooner rather than later, I would advise that. I had to deal with it some years ago; and the worst thing for me was the thought that the house was so vulnerable when it was unoccupied. I did manage to 'do' the clothes thing - but very very quickly. I had to do it at great speed, so that I couldn't dwell on things. Only later did I 'look back'.

If your sister finds it difficult to see your mother's things touched, I do understand; but it has to be done. Try to get her to think how your mother would have managed it herself. That kept me going quite well.

Whatever happens, please don't let anything come between the three of you in all this. That would be the worst result of all. . In message , WitchyStitcher writes

Reply to
Patti

Linda, we know you have a heavy heart and too much to decide to think of everything so do let me make some suggestions. Our mama had about a dozen 'best' friends and she had a wild collection of blouses and necklaces. We gave her friends a special one of each for them to have something of hers to hug and wear or not. Wear them and treasure them they did and they profoundly appreciated being given something of hers to just simply 'have'. If you know of a floor, department, or group that gave her special care at the hospital - send them a thank you. It can be a cake or biscuits from McDonald's or just a note. Their job carries a heavy amount of hurting and acknowledging their kindness is something Mama demanded that we not forget when she breathed her last. And keep some silly things. I have Mama's pencil sharpener and doorstop. The sharpener never worked and the doorstop isn't needed but these many years later, they still make me smile and remember mama. We grieve with you and pray for you, Polly

Reply to
Polly Esther

I'm so sorry Linda. I still miss my mom a lot almost 7 years later. It gets easier to laugh and remember the good times but you'll always miss her. Hopefully your mama had a will and the executor can make decisions with your mama's wishes in mind. If no will things will move slow because they have too. A good attorney should be some help for them. Oprah had a show not too long ago where folks had a room from their young son still intact as he left it when he passed years earlier. The one thing that I remember from the show was that they told the parents 'things are not people'. Your memories and the love are what your mama is in your heart not in her stuff. My heart goes out to you three sisters. You will all get through it. YOur mama's love is with you. Never ever forget that. She can't hug you like she is physically here but that love she gave you is. Hugs, TAria

WitchyStitcher wrote:

Reply to
Taria

We were fortunate in that my mother had a friend who was a law professor and taught wills and estates. We were very concerned about any of her property passing to my sister's no-good ex-husband should anything happen to my sister. For that reason she had a divorce-proof trust set up for the house and the house was in the name of the trust. After the death certificates are received, we will be able to sell the house if we want to. One sister lives just down the street and sees the house every day. It is very hard for her, but it will be harder to see strangers living there. I suggested that she move it, but that would be too hard to - to live in the house where both my parents passed away. At least I am not in the position of having to see it every day. My practical sister wants to sell ASAP and my emotional sister wants to keep it as a shrine and not touch a thing. I am trying to help them find middle ground.

Linda PATCHogue, NY

PATCHogue, NY

Reply to
WitchyStitcher

My sisters are in the area - in fact one lives just down the street. She can't bear the thought right now of strangers living there. I think that eventually she will decide to move herself. With her share of the money from the house, she will be able to. She is in Tamarac. According to the practical sister, one of the big problems selling will be that she had the nicest, largest home with the best property in the neighboorhood and there will be difficulty getting a fair price.

L>

Linda PATCHogue, NY

Reply to
WitchyStitcher

I did - when I was a child, she used to let me play with her costume jewelry. I took some of my favorites to keep and gave the rest to my little nieces to play with.

I also found a book of poems she had written to her best high school friend when she was a girl. I will scan them and then give the originals to her. My daughter read one of them at the funeral service.

L> And keep some silly things. I have Mama's pencil sharpener and

PATCHogue, NY

Reply to
WitchyStitcher

Good for you Linda. They might continue to look on you as the one to consult -if little disagreements arise - 'let's see what Linda thinks'. It's great that the house has been taken care of in this way. I found it terribly difficult to go by my parents' house; and now I never do. I tried a few times, but it hurt too much. So, I accepted that, and now go round a different way, if I have to go through their/our town. And, for me, it was a good long time ago. . In message , WitchyStitcher writes

Reply to
Patti

Linda, I completely understand where you're coming from. On the 26th of this month it will be one year since my dear brother was killed. I still get a horrible ache in my heart and stomach everytime I write that or see it written or even hear the words "he's dead". I still have not been able to fully accept/comprehend that he is gone. My DSIL still hasn't gone through his things and gotten rid of anything. All his clothes are still hanging in the closet, his shoes still sit by the front door where he left them, his motorcycle is still in my older brother's garage and his truck is still in the driveway. Being so far away from the rest of the family doesn't help with the grieving process either, at least not in my experience. It's really tough not being there to be a part of the decision-making and just having a sibling to hold onto. I wish I could make it all better for you because I hate for anyone to have to lose a loved one. It's just way too painful. I'm here for you anytime you need me. Just give me a call, send me an email or even drop by if you want. You have a shoulder to cry on if you need or want it.

My heart aches for you and your family and ya'll are in my prayers.

Hugs, Mika

Reply to
Mika

Linda,

Such a hard decision, and such a difficult time. My heart goes out to you.

When my mom passed away there were four of us. Brother #1 wanted to keep it, and rent it to sister who is legally blind and also deaf. She wasn't sure what she wanted... and brother #2 who lives in DC wasn't sure either.

Her will specifically said to divide things evenly (I was executor) and personally I did not want to keep it. It is an older house, with a large lot requiring a good deal of upkeep (large lot to mow, many bushes to trim). None of us wanted to be landlords, so after much discussion we decided to sell it. Thanks to mom being pretty specific, things were made simple and there was no ill will and we all still get along great (which was also in mom's will LOL). My sister now live in handicapped housing which is on the bus route and next to a grocery store, and she says she's much happier; mom's home would not have been safe for her.

Might your mom given you or your siblings any indication of her wishes?

-Irene

Reply to
IMS

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Linda}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Reply to
Debi Matlack

I wish you the best thru this trying time. I think it's still a little early to be making such big decisions. Your emotions are still so raw. No doubt, the best thing will be to sell your mom's house, but, unless it is a financial hardship, I'd give it a several months for you all to get used to the idea & then take your time going thru her personal effects. My mother had a similar doctor to the one your mother had. Our biggest regret was also that we didn't recognize it sooner & change.

Tread carefully - this is the time when families often fall apart, if they are not all in agreement on how to handle your loved one's personal effects. I do agree that if the 3 of you can work on the house together, that is the fairest way to divide & discard your mom's things. I realize you are much further away, but hopefully, you will all be schedule time convenient for everyone to do this. My mom passed away 6 years ago & I'm not sure if the pain of that loss ever really goes away. I don't break down every day - or even every week, but I mourn her loss often. I wish I had more of her personal effects, but I have enough & memories can't replace personal effects.

I hope you & your sisters come thru this still loving each other!

Reply to
Pauline

Linda, I wish there was a way that I could help you through this painful time in your life. I'm truly sorry for your loss, and all I can say is, I hope each day is a little better. Blessings to you and your family.

Patti in Seattle

Reply to
Patti S

My uncle is currently living in the house where he looked after my Nan and Pop. The house is in pretty bad repair (and he is becoming more of a hoarder than usual) but he absolutely will not allow anyone to move anything, toss anything that belonged to nan and pop, or sell up. Mum wants to sell - he wants to stay. In the end I believe he paid her out x amount of dollars and now he is living in blessed mess. He can't seem to move on. I sort of understand 'cause his life revolved around them (never married) but unless he wants to be helped, there's not much we can do.

Reply to
Sharon Harper

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