OT: I have to ask!

Wanted to add: I had been upset about him even going to his son's house next week-end without me, cause of the young girls who hang there and knowing he always flirts with them ... but I've decided to let go of that and know that I can't control that .... so I'm not saying anymore to him about not going.

Forgot who had mentioned to me about this ... I know I posted this somewhere, but wanted to let ya'll know that I had decided that even if it really bothers me, if he wants to go, I can't stop him and to keep at it just makes him more resentful.

Dee

Hiya, Dee Dee,

Seems that the ones who are usually around throughout the day hours (USA at least), aren't around today so that even though you posted early afternoon, it's now evening and nobody's answered.

I'm really not one to give advice. Perhaps no one really is. I always feel you've got to "go with your gut" to be true to yourself.

That said, I do wonder about a couple things......

What was your marriage like prior to your separation? Was it everything you hoped and wanted it to be? Were you happy ... I mean really deep down to the core of your bones happy? Do you feel that Jim was? Did either of you misrepresent yourselves prior to your marriage ... resulting in a bit of a surprise at finding out that something rather different was the case than was thought?

I have a couple reactions to what you said....

You said, ".... Even when I express this to him it doesn't seem to matter, because he gets mad at me and says he spends plenty of time with me."

I'm personally of the opinion that I don't want someone to be with me unless THEY really want to be. Not out of a sense of commitment or responsibility, not because they feel guilty, or not just because they don't want me to be hurt or upset. I want them to be with me because THEY want to for themselves. I've also found that this attitude and the willingness to let them come and go as they please and not let on even if I do feel hurt or jealous somehow tends to make them be with me more. Kinda like the old play-hard-to-get deal. If he thinks you're panting for him, he knows you're still gonna be there waiting when he gets around to seeing you. However, if he thinks your attitude is changing and that you might just find something "better" to do with yourself than to wait around for him, he might think harder about his lackadaisical attitude toward you. He currently feels you're "money in the bank" and that he can do whatever he wants and that you'll still be there when he wants.

You also said, ".... am I thinking wrong here about how I feel about this? Am I again being overly sensitive or are my feelings fair?"

Honey, no one in the world can tell you how to feel! In fact, you can't even control it yourself. You feel the way you feel -- period. Overly sensitive? Well, I don't think you can control that either. You can, however, hide how you feel. I think it's possible that your feelings (and expressing them to Jim) are strengthening his idea that you'll always be waiting with bated breath for him.

Like I said at the start of this post, I'm not one to give advice. I'm a strong believer in self evaluation and also in character study. I'm very pleased that you're intending to go for counseling and feel that this is the best place to get advice, if not the only place that's worthwhile. Just choose a counselor with whom BOTH you and Jim are comfortable.

I send you hugs to soothe your heart, chicken soup to soothe your hurting body and thoughts and prayers to lift the clouds from your soul. Smiles, Eve :o)

Hi Dee Dee: Hope you're recovering from your surgery! I agree with the things Eve said, and she said them well, much better expressed than I could have done : ) . I think going to a counselor is a very good idea, someone that can listen and give you an unbiased opinion. Personally, I would think that if a man was interested in a relationship, he would BE THERE for you without you having to ask, he would rather spend all or most of his free time being with his lady and doing things with her then hanging out with the guys. Your feelings are your feelings, there is no right or wrong way to feel. Only you know the whole situation. Please take care of yourself. Give yourself time to heal before you make any major decisions. And know that we are here for you. Marie and the cats

DeeDee, I totally have to ditto what both Eve and Marie said. I was going to attempt answering your post earlier, but have been fighting a monster headache all day, and the right words wouldn't come.... THAT being said, the only thing I can add to Eve and Marie's responses is that the best thing to come out of counseling is that there are three sides to the story. Yours. His. And the Truth. And... the counselour will sort that out if he/she is any good. Hugs, Noreen

Heh, I have been around for a long time and have come to discover that although there are many nice men out there, most need to be drawn a diagram for most things concerning women. Face it - men think differently than we do, most do NOT like to "explore" their feelings, and would rather step on a tack than talk about them. A lot of them are unbelievably selfish and simply do not understand when we want to them to stay home and spend time with us rather than send them off to do the things THEY really want to do.

I'm fortunate with the man in my life now - he's not perfect (after all, who is?). He has a time consuming hobby that drives me nuts, and a few years ago, I rediscovered knitting/crochet. So - when he spends money on his hobby, I simply don't worry about bringing in my bags of new stash. As stated in other posts, I have tons of stash in totes, bags and boxes. He has his pigeons outside in their loft.... he spends a lot of time and money on them. I spend a lot of time and money on my knitting, yarn, etc. Luckily - we are quite even that way. He is the third man in my life. I've been married & divorced twice. I'm at a point where I just don't let myself get worked up about much of anything anymore. Getting upset and fighting is a waste of effort, and I just won't do it anymore.

Well, I've blathered on a lot. I'll shut up now. ;>)

Shelagh

Eve - that's a wonderful post with a lot of good thought in it!

Shelagh

Dee, I have read through the other advice, and I agree with it. The more you wait for him, the more he will take advantage of it. If he thinks that you don't have a life without him, then he will be happy. As for how you feel - *nobody* can dictate that, but you can control how much he sees of your feelings. Good luck, and keep us posted.

Higs, Katherine

Dee,

Speaking as a man that has been happily married for decades, he is acting exactly like I would if I did not want to be around Gail.

Several ladies have gave you very good advice, take it and run. I mean do something, do not set around and wait for things to get better without reacting the to the situation in a constructive manner. It will not happen! Please take the good advice you have now and act on it in the next few days not next week or next month.

You will be in our prayers.

Hugs & God bless, Dennis & Gail

In the words of my father, "You are in charge of your own happiness!" You need to stop waiting and relying on this man *to make you happy*. Only you can bring yourself happiness. When I was young (19), I had a child by a guy and I did what you're doing now. When I look back, I can't believe how much of my life I wasted and how he dragged me down and made an ass of me (Okay...I let him do it to me!), but no one could have told me that at the time. I believed I truly loved him and that he'd come around. Yeah...he came around alright....after I left him! (he hauled off and slapped me one day...I turned tail and ran and never looked back). He begged and pleaded to me to take him back. He made promises I knew he would never keep. If it looks like a snake and sounds like a snake....it's a snake. Okay...I'm dredging up too much of my past now *breath Jenn* and maybe I'm being a bit harsh, but one day...your eyes will open and you'll move on. Unfortunately for me...I needed the ass to slap the sense in to me!

Take care and the very best of luck to you, Jenn

Dee Dee wrote:

Eve, I hesitate to add anything to the answers here, but I do want to tell you something that someone said to me once.

I was in a safe house many years ago, and was upset at what my soon to be X was doing and saying. When she saw how upset he was making me, the lady there said to me, "Never mind what he wants. What do you want?" It made me look beyond the immediate and obvious, and look at how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. Did I want to be always trying to please him, or did I want something better for myself. Well, I decided on the latter, and sure enough he came panting. Of course he courted me in all the right ways. But I had decided that I didn't want to live that way any longer. It was a hard thing for me to do - to go from the known to the unknown, but I'm better for it. When I was ready (and healed), I found a man that is as close to perfect as damn is to swearing! and my life is so much richer, calmer, more loving, and without the eggshells that I was constantly walking on. HTH Norma (Stay strong, and know we are all here for you)

Alison,

How true!!!

Hugs & God bless, Dennis & Gail

abutteriss wrote:

If I may quote Dr. Phil (love him or hate him, he can be right), "You teach people how to treat you." If you don't like the way you are being treated, then you need to make some changes. Counseling will help you see what and how. Good luck.

BB

abutteriss wrote:

Hello, Dee Dee. I surely hope you're feeling better today -- both mentally as well as physically.

In reading through these posts that popped up since last evening, it seems so obvious that your situation and distress has stirred many memories and hurts in others of us -- obviously Norma and Jenn -- and probably quite a few others who, like myself, just decided not to mention the deja vu. Perhaps the cliche "been there, done that" should be amended to include "felt that."

Honey, there's truly NOTHING new under the sun. May it help you to know that you're not alone, that you're not the only one who feels like you or has ever felt like you do ... and perhaps more helpful, that others have felt just the same and been completely confused and consumed but have gone on to other "chapters" in life and are happy. Everybody's story's different ... but they're all the same in a way too.

I seem to be stuck with sayings and cliches in my head right now, but "this too shall pass" is also echoing. That one always kinda kills me 'cause it's a two-edged sword, i.e., the bad will pass but so will the good. Without the changes, hurts, joys ... all the extremes of life ... it would be rather dull and not very educational, though, don't ya think?

Sending you hugs and smiles, Eve :o)

All of you are right on!!!! Believe me, I've done the *been there, done that, felt that* too. I've been single for 17 years and I am my own person. I don't *need* a man to feel complete...... There are 2 kinds of people in this world, those that make you feel good about yourself and those that make you feel horrible about yourself. I don't waste my precious life/time with people that make me feel bad! We're here for you....you are not alone. Marie and the cats

Dee Dee. I am very late with a reply to you - but there is absolutely nothing I can add to all your good friends here have said - I think Eve said it all in the first and last post . I will do all I can do and that is pray thay you make a good decision God Bless Gwen

Thank you all for the replies .... and I intend to respond to each one .. but wanted ya'll to know that I'm in a flare from my fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome ... along with my stomach really being sore (probably did too much).

So I'm taking this week-end to rest up and I'll be back on Monday.

By the way, I'll be working on a large crocheted stuffed animal toy and will put a photo on my website when I come back next week.

Huggles, Dee

Dee Dee,

Though you won't be back here till Monday, I wanted to post this in case you drift in for a moment. Just wanted to thank you for letting us know that you're hurting but alright. Was rather worried about you when you didn't post yesterday. I was busy all day today till now (evening), and I was anxious to see if you posted.

Feel better each day, Eve :o)

OH DEE DEE i am so sorry about your Flare ,,,, and other health problems , please GET WELL SOON mirjam