OT More about my sister-cousin Linda

Just wanted to let everyone know that Matthew and I finally managed to come up with some money for gas to make the 3 -4 hour trip to visit with her. We will be leaving here early Saturday morning and going to my sister's on the other side of Toronto where we will stay overnight, and my brother-in-law will drive us all in to visit Linda on Sunday.

Since Linda had hoped to make it to one more Christmas, and no one thinks she will make it that long, I am gathering a few things to take along for her so she *can* have a Christmas of sorts... "because I won't be able to make another trip to be here to spend Christmas with you" (so she doesn't have to think that it's because no one thinks *she* will be here for Christmas). Matthew smiled and told me I was very sneaky... he knows what I'm doing is for Linda's benefit and it will actually break my own heart.

I bought a Christmas-y basket to put a few things in for her. She has always loved tea, so I bought her one of those large teacups and a couple of different flavoured teas that I can add some of the teabags to the basket for her to try. I also bought some of those tiny candy canes and some Christmas candy too, and will get some other candy from the Bulk Barn to put in a tin for her, as she loves sweets. I bought a photo album for her to keep some pictures in that my sister took of us all when we were at Linda's back in May... and a notebook for her to write her thoughts in, if and when she feels up to it. I got a crossword puzzle book for her and I'll add a pen to go with it and the notebook. I got a tiny lazer-cut vase with purple flowers, and a figurine of two cats (she *loves* cats and is now in the hospital away from her little cat) nuzzling each other. I happened to spot a small pillow with a cord handle on it that I will hang behind/beside her bed where they put cards and such... it's pink and has embroidered on it "The Princess Sleeps Here" which will be meaningful for her as my Mom used to call her "Princess" since she was born (the only thing that would have made it perfect would have been if it said "Sam" anywhere on it as my Dad always called her "Sam", so throughout her life she got cards from my parents that read "Princess Sam" and that's how she signed things to them as well. :o)

To add to the basket (likely hanging from the outter edge) I got a package of four drum ornaments which have special meaning to she and I that make us laugh every Christmas. We went to Midnight Mass together one year and when it came time for the choir to sing... one of the hymns happened to be "The Little Drummer Boy" and the way it was done just sounded hilarious to us. We sat there trying our best to be nice in church and avoiding looking at each other because we knew what would happen if we did.... sure enough at one point our eyes happened to connect with each other and that was the end of it... we sat there with a hand firmly over our mouths (even trying to cough or make like we were blowing our noses) to try to cover the fact that we were giggling and no matter what we did we couldn't stop. Thankfully it was near the very end of mass, so we were able to leave shortly afterward and once we got outside and across the street from the church we were holding each other up as we walked home crying with laughter. Ever since then, we try to find a Christmas card or wrapping paper for a gift... something with the "drummer boy" theme to it, and start laughing all over again.

I will do my best to hold it together until after we leave, but I can't promise. Linda knows that she is dying, and she knows that I know... afterall I was the first person who actually opened up and spoke straight with her about it all, while everyone else tried to pretend it wasn't happening. I'm sure at some point during our visit I will fill up (and possibly even cry a bit, although I am going to do my best not to), and she knows because I told her during our visit back in May that I will miss her terribly when she is gone... she even tried to joke saying "Yeah, I'm gonna miss me too!" :'o( I'm sitting here in tears now as I type this.

-- I have to say though, I am extremely pissed with Linda's son Liam at the moment. When my oldest sister phoned me last week to tell me that Linda was in the hospital now, she said that Linda's friend had phoned to tell her. Matthew found Liam online and spoke to him about it... Liam was ticked off that people know, because he wasn't ready to tell anyone yet and said that he was going to when the time was right. I said then in anger "Was he going to wait until she died before telling us?!?" then I thought about it and assumed he was just upset and trying to deal with it first before telling anyone. Tonight my sister phoned again to let me know that she had made it to visit Linda last Sunday afterall. She said she looked so tiny and frail in the bed all alone.... she is barely over 80 lbs now... with no visitors. Mary (my sister) said she and her husband stayed to visit for about an hour and then a friend of Linda's came in, so they left. I asked if Liam was there too. Mary said "No! He has only been to see her ONCE since she went into the hospital the week before (she went in the Monday before my sister went to see her) because apparently 'he can't handle it'. Linda's mad at him and doesn't even want to talk to him. He phoned while we were there and Linda told him she had visitors and she didn't want to talk to him."

I know different people handle this sort of thing differently, but she is his mother... she is the ONLY parent he has ever known, and the only close family he has. He lost his grandmother (my Aunt Blanche) 1 1/2 years ago, and now he is losing his mother. Once she is gone he cannot get her back to apologize for not spending time with her, or to hold her hand even. My Dad hated the hospital with a passion after seeing his father dying in the hallway, but when my Mom or any of his children were in the hospital he sucked it up and went to visit. In fact when my Mom had her stroke we all went to visit her (30 miles one way) every single day. When my Dad had his stroke we all went to visit him everyday as well... and that was after my Mom was just home from the hospital and we had to try to get her in and out of the car and into a wheelchair... backbreaking, but we did it. Liam lives a few miles away in the same city as the hospital his mother is in and he goes to see her *once* because he can't handle it?!?!? Matthew is *very* angry with Liam right now... and said it's a good thing he hasn't been online tonight or he would be getting a LOT said to him for him to think about.

-- Oh... semi-good news! I got a call from Disability today wanting a bit of information sent to them (verification letters) so they can try to see if there is anything they can do about our roof for us hopefully *before* winter and snow set in. The only problem is that Matthew has to try to convince Ontario Works to help with his half of the cost... and they are being real sticklers to needing THREE estimates even though we have only been able to get two because everyone else is booked solid right up to February and March of next year so they won't even come out to give estimates at all. When the woman spoke to me from Disability I told her that we were afraid if the snow came the weight of it might cave in our roof... she said "Yes, we considered that and that is why we want to try to get things moving as quickly as we can... so try to get those things to me as soon as you can." I told Matthew what she said and he said what I had been thinking.... "They want to get things moving as quickly as they can?!? Ummm, you sent them the estimate and letter WHEN?... back in early summer wasn't it?" *shrug* Oh well, even though the ceiling is sagging in the kitchen and a bit in the laundryroom now... if they can and will have it fixed... late is better than not at all, so we don't really care that much it just sounded odd.

-- Well, I really do need to get off here now. I have to get some sleep as we have to make an unexpected trip to London tomorrow to pick up Matthew's transcript from the college to send to Ontario Works as they have held his money back because they don't have verification that he completed the two courses he was attending last that ended Oct 10th. *shakes head* They don't give you a deadline to have the information to them, they just know themselves when they want it and if you don't read their minds and get it to them by the right date they stop your money.

In case I don't get back on here before our trip... take care and I'll post a message after we get back.

*hugs* Gemini
Reply to
Not Likely
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Not Likely spun a FINE 'yarn':

Gem, I've left your post in it's entirety in case it becomes lost or cybergremlin-ed ... PLEASE know that I've not stopped thinking of you, Linda and the entire situation. I cried while reading .... Safe trip and Godspeed. Love, Noreen

Reply to
YarnWright

Thank you so much for your kind words, Noreen. The trip went well, even though it was heart-breaking.

We went to my sister's on Saturday, stayed overnight (photocopying a few pictures to take to the hospital for Linda... and a few for us as well that we were missing, including a picture of my sister and myself with Linda when we visited her in May). All I can say is thank God we had pictures taken back in May because even though I brought my camera with me there was no way that I was taking it out to take pictures of Linda the way she looks now... she would have been so very upset, and it's definitely not the way I want to remember her. She is failing physically.. she is literally a skeleton covered in skin now and she used to be such a pretty lady, in fact she easily could have been a model in her younger years but never went for it.

When we walked into the hospital room I didn't recognize her and turned to look at my sister thinking they might have moved Linda to a different room... my sister nodded that it *was* Linda. I was shocke and was glad that Linda was sleeping and didn't see my shock. When she woke up and saw that I was standing there, she kept repeating over and over "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!" and wrapped her arms around my neck while I held her frail body in my arms. She sobbed which got me sobbing too, of course. My sister was fighting back her tears on the other side of the bed, while Matthew and my brother-in-law stood there all choked up.

Her lunch tray sat there untouched... she has a hard time eating now... and at some point while we were talking someone came in a removed the tray without being noticed. A few minutes later a nurse brought her medication in applesauce and she gave her a couple of spoonsful of jello afterwards to get rid of the taste... then later again another nurse brought her a chocolate pudding which she ate all of. My sister and myself don't get why they don't give her more puddings since she can manage to eat that... at least she would have *something* in her stomach then.

She really enjoyed everything we brought her, although I seriously doubt that she will even eat the candy... she either pretended or thought she had actually eaten the chocolate bars my sister brought her last week, but we spotted them under a magazine and didn't say anything to her about them. More than the things we brought her though, she was so happy that we made it to visit her again... we are too of course. Every so often she would reach out and hold my hand, or stroke my face telling me she loves me.

She told us that over the last couple of days she has felt her mother with her (Aunt Blanche passed away 1 1/2 years ago) and that she feels comforted by her presence. She also told me that she had just dreamed about me and Matthew the night before. The night before at my sister's place we were wondering if Linda had made plans, and my sister said she didn't feel comfortable asking her... I said I would talk to her because I was the first person to actually speak openly with Linda about the fact that she is dying of cancer, and that she appreciated me being open with her. Then my sister said, "I've been thinking about something for a while now, but I don't know how you'll feel about it." I looked at her and smiled and said "About Aunt Blanche and Linda being buried with Ma and Daddy, right? I've thought about that since Aunt Blanche passed away, but I wasn't sure how you would feel about it. Okay, if we're in agreement about it, I'm going to ask Linda if she would like that."

So... after about an hour I said to Linda "Okay... we've had some fun and laughs, and we will go back to it again in a few minutes, but right now we need to talk seriously. We need to get some things cleared up. I have to ask you something that no one really wants to think about... " She looked in my eyes and said "Where are they going to plant me, right?" in her old silly way that she always had. I smiled and said "Well okay, but that isn't

*exactly* the way I'd put it. Have you made arrangements?" No! "Okay, do you want to be buried or cremated like Aunt Blanche?" She said she wants to be cremated and she wants to be with her Mom. Then I told her what Mary and I had talked about and asked how she would feel about her and her Mom being buried with my parents... she smiled and sighed and said she would love that, that she wanted to be with family and how much she loved my parents which we all knew... she always thought of them as an extra set of parents for herself. I said "Well I know Ma and Daddy would feel good about it, and you and Aunt Blanche will be where I can go visit you and you won't just be in a box on a dresser... and someday I will be there beside you too." She smiled and hugged me again and said she would talk to Liam about it so he knows to give me hers and Aunt Blanche's ashes after she passes away. Then we got back to having a nice pleasant visit with smiles and some laughter again.

Our visit was nice, and a good length of time. She was in pretty good spirits, or putting on one heck of a good show for our benefit. We cried, we laughed, we joked around like we used to, and we spoke seriously and laughed again... and when we could see that she was fighting to stay alert we hugged and left her to rest before her supper would be arriving. We went back to my sister's for a few minutes before heading off toward home. On the drive home last night I felt Linda's last hug (and the feeling of the bones in her face pressing against my cheek) and the realization that I would never see her alive again hit me and the tears flowed along with the sobs. Matthew let me sob a few minutes and then spoke to me about something totally different to try to take my mind off it and make me smile. I am so very sad that she will soon be leaving us, but also relieved that the pain and suffering will soon be over for her... and I am so very happy that we managed to go to see her one last time.

*hugs* Gem
Reply to
Not Likely

Not Likely spun a FINE 'yarn':

Gem, My heart goes out to you......... :::::::::::::::hug:::::::::::::::: Love, Noreen

Reply to
YarnWright

Thank you, Noreen!

*hugs* Gem
Reply to
Not Likely

Glad you were able to see your sister-cousin and talk about what arrangements she'd like; that's always a difficult subject to bring up. Keeping good thoughts for an easy time of it for her. {{hugs}}

-- Carey in MA

Reply to
Carey N.

Not Likely spun a FINE 'yarn':

Not Likely. . . /slash/ Gem! You're welcome! Hugs, Noreen

Reply to
YarnWright

Thank you so much, Carey! Yes, it is a difficult subject, but one that needs to be addressed unfortunately. Matthew knows that I don't want to be cremated, and he knows there will be enough insurance money when I pass away for a proper burial... he can pick out the casket and music, etc. It's just that Linda's son Liam isn't dealing with any of it very well (but apparently he has visited her a couple of times since my sister was there last week... Linda says he works in the afternoon and doesn't get off until

10:30 PM so mornings are the only time he can manage to get to the hospital to see her) and I just wanted to make sure that someone spoke to her about what she wants done. Since she appreciated me talking openly with her about the fact that her cancer is terminal and not tippy-toeing around throwing rose petals around that she will get better when it's an outright lie (yes she *looked* good back in May, and keeping a positive attitude is likely what helped her stay strong as long as she did, but the fact remains that she does have *terminal* cancer, not one that they can get rid of), I knew that she would feel better if I was the one who spoke to her about her arrangements... and she did, she really appreciated it and breathed a sigh of relief after things were settled upon and out in the open.

I'm just dreading getting the phonecall from my sister saying Linda is gone. After that long trip (and the price of gas went up around here just before our trip and there are no signs of the price coming down now), and spending $90 on the trip to my sisters (the other side of Toronto), back to Toronto to visit Linda because my brother-in-law's van is acting like the transmission is about to go, back to my sister's to drop them off and then back home again... we are totally out of money, and there are some bills that I had forgotten about that came in today. :o/ One thing after another. Matthew and I *want* to be able to go to Linda's service (and to pick up her ashes and Aunt Blanches too to bring them back here), but we may not be able to and my sister will have to pick the ashes up and we'll have to get them from her at a later date.

Oh well... I'm just so glad that we did get to see Linda while she is still alive and alert enough to enjoy our visit. I know it pleased her... it certainly brought smiles and laughter to her (along with a few tears), and I know that it brought her comfort too to know that she and Aunt Blanche have a resting place waiting for them when the time comes.

*hugs* Gem
Reply to
Not Likely

Gem,

I'm very sorry about Linda. One thing I regret when I lost a family member to cancer is that I never recorded his voice. I realized once it was too late it would have been nice to have more than just pictures for future generations. It was a comfort to hear a friend's voice who was killed in an unexpected accident was preserved on her answering machine after I realized I should have recorded my relative's voice. I wonder if recording Linda might help your family go through this loss better, knowing that some more of her will be around. She might also like to record some of her life's wisdom for future generations as well.

Leah

Reply to
Leah

Thank you for your kind words, Leah.

I'm sorry that you never got to record your relative's voice. I don't have my parents' voices recorded either but we do have pictures, a few personal items (I have a ring that each of them owned and wore for instance), and of course our memories... and LOTS of those that we all talk about and some we laugh about when we get together. I also have a ring and a bracelet that Linda gave me when I visited her in May "To remember me by", and she told me on Sunday that after she passes away I am to have her amethyst cross necklace.

We do have fairly recent pictures of Linda (from our visit in May) where she looked good and happy. I also have a message she left on my answering machine for my birthday, so I do have her voice to hear everytime I listen to the messages on there. One of the things I brought her when we went to visit was a notebook and a pen so she can write down her thoughts and feelings if and when she felt up to doing so... she was very pleased with that because she had nothing at all to write on except crossword puzzle books.

I know that Linda wouldn't have wanted her picture taken the way she looks now because at one point during our visit she was telling me about when she went into the washroom and happened to see her reflection in the mirror... she didn't know who it was until the realization set in that it was her, and she had a cry at how God-awful thin she had become. Linda was always a thin person, but now she is to the point where there is no meat on her at all... just bones with skin pulled over it. She told me how before she had seen what she looked like she had been lying in the bed wondering what the huge bump was on the sides of her face (her cheekbones)... she thought she had some growths there. :o/

My sister says she has been trying to get her three sons to stop smoking for a long time... she said she wishes they would go and visit Linda to see what she looks like now and maybe that would shock them into quitting. I doubt it would do anything other than shock them at how Linda looks, because I used to smoke and only stopped when *I* was ready to stop... not because of anything someone told me or what I read or saw. However, I do know how my sister feels and I too wish they would stop smoking. I'm glad I quit when I did (20 years ago), and I'm very glad Matthew always thought it was way too stupid to even start doing. Linda has said herself that she wishes she knew years ago what she knows now... she never would have smoked at all. :o/ Hindsight!

*hugs* Gem
Reply to
Not Likely

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