OT: Doggie Prayers

Hopefully your pooch will be fine. Ginger did real well when the vet removed her 'blob'. No malignant cells is what is good.

Just a few tips about teenagers.

'Dishing up crap' is part of their job description. Some do it better than others because they have had practice and others are just born experts at it. I never have seen a kid that didn't dish up crap pretty well.

It isn't too off that she is defending her parents. There are great parents with limited education and crappy parents with wall full of sheepskins. You lose the battle if you bad mouth them to her. It is just human nature.

Pick you battles. If soda is an issue let it go and don't bring it into the house.

Kids that have had as tough a time as your dn are going to test you. It is pretty normal and even expected.

Good luck to you all. You have taken on a big challenge. Take a breath and count to 10 (or a hundred) Teenagers can be terrific but boy are they a trial sometimes. I'm glad we all survived those years here.

Taria

off kilter snipped-for-privacy@somwherequiet.net wrote:

Larisa,

Even if it takes every ounce of your energy, draw your rules, lay them out precisely and specifically and NEVER back down on any of them! When I was a teen and dished out the crap, and pushed and forced and did everything I could to cause trouble, it was because I needed more parental control, more rules and more love and attention (the proper kind) than I was getting. If something that she is telling you is wrong, and you can look up the information and show it to her....and help her figure out how to find it for herself... and end every conversation with a heartfelt "No matter what, I love you" it's going to make a big difference in her life.

You are doing fantabulous! Keep up the great work with your DN, someday she'll look back and see what real love is all about!

Dannielle

Dear Larisa, Goodness knows I'm no expert when it comes to parenting. I will tell you this: teenagers mouth off. It's practically required and means almost nothing. The best thing you can do is take a deep breath, don't bounce back at them, and then deal with whatever is really going on. If soda is a problem, don't buy it. Problem solved with no talking. And believe me, she will understand exactly why there is no soda in the shopping bag without a single word from you. Keep smiling if you can. Try not to react to all the "crap" that comes from the young one. Your steadiness and firmness will make an impression, even if she doesn't let you know. Set rules that you can enforce, and then don't back down.

As for information that is wrong, instead of contradicting her, invite her to learn to look up information on her own. Something like "Hmmmm, I thought I remembered that being different. Howabout we check an online encyclopedia and see what we can find out about that."

I can relate so painfully to your niece. I was raised on poverty, had rotten teeth in my mouth all through my childhood, had parents who probably should have never been allowed to have children. I blustered and talked way too much and way too loud because I didn't know what else to do. Growing up this way can be so painful. Please tell her how much you love her every day. And tell her that one of the ladies on the quilt newsgroup promises that life will get better and that she will be fine.

:)

Sunny

>

do. Growing up this way can be so painful. Please tell her how much you love her every day. And tell her that one of the ladies on

I second that!!! When I was growing up in a household with 2 adults with serious psychological problems (made worse by drug and alcohol abuse), I would NEVER have believed that my life would turn-out so well. And God bless you, Larissa, for taking the time for your neice. I guarantee you that she DOES appreciate you on some level. Long after the new clothes are outgrown/worn-out, she'll remember that you cared enough to spend TIME and ENERGY on her!!!

Hugs all around!!!

Erin

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Larisa}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} DN sounds like a smart kid, if only you can convince her that she is. Some thing take time, I guess, especially with kids. And a great big hugs and wishes for quick recovery for the dear doggie. I think she'll do great and probably feel better for having all that done. You may have a "new" dog on your hands once she recovers!

I agree... you need to be careful that you are not perceived as 'bad mouthing' her parents. It may make her more defensive.

And, Taria is right. I have friends who are parents who happen to be high school dropouts and they are fine people; than again I work at a college (25+ years) and can say for certain that having a PHD doesn't prevent anyone from being 'life stupid,' an idiot, or an ass.

The kid is basically testing the boundaries, like a typical teenager. She'll re-test them tomorrow and the next day. You need to be consistant in what you say and do, and where you draw the line. DON'T PUT up with her making fun of the kids. MAKE THIS CLEAR from day one. And, be careful about threats; don't make them unless you can follow through.

Sounds like she may need an activity to keep her busy and make some friends. Do you have a girls club or YMCA nearby?

-Irene

PS - send>Hopefully your pooch will be fine. Ginger did real well when the vet

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." - Mae West

Maybe she's just looking for attention..in the wrong way. I used to tell one of my boys "I love you, but I sure don't like you right now!" Teenagers can be awful, but try not to take everything that she says seriously. She may be just trying to get a "reaction" from you.

By the way, the son who was the worst, is now a joy to be around....and we tell him so! He can't believe that he was ever so BAD!

Larisa,

My girls are very dear to me. Most people think I am talking about daughters when I mention them. It is hard when they have medical problems. They just can't talk about how they are feeling and I am ways afraid I will miss something.

We have Boxers and they are prone to tumours, we have had to have several removed. Only one was malignant. The older one is now 10 and her age is starting to show in her health. The Vet and Boxer breeders have told us Boxers life expectancy is 10-12 years. We keep a really close eye on both of them but, like you, we have from the day we added them to our family.

I also have the last teenager in the house, well, he just turned 20 but the mouth is around 14 years old!!! He is a really good guy 90% of the time, it is the other 10% I have a hard time with. Chocolate helps................for me, not him!!!

Marsha in Ohio

Howdy!

Good luck, Larisa & dog & family & quilts. Maybe it's the doggie prayers that will help the most. ...maybe that's what the dogs are doing when I think they're just contemplating the clouds...

*snort* Btw, a college degree doesn't really have anything to do w/ raising kids or dealing w/ teens. As for all the other stuff, I blame it on summer. ;-D

Cheers! R/Sandy--figuring I need to change the quilting pattern 'cause I have so little interest in this quilt, which means the quilting pattern just isn't doing it for me

Larisa,

How old is your DN? I am also raising my DN, who will be fifteen this October. And what I've read so far is so true! The only other piece of advice I can give is don't take the crap that comes out of her mouth as personal. You have to "outsmart" them...like being ahead of the game, so to speak. Be prepared when you ask her to do something to get a gah, snort, etc. This is NORMAL!!! I don't really react to any of that...just let it be...as long as the "job" gets done. And make sure you let her know that your being a pain in her *&^ because you love her and care about her. Okay, that's my two cents. lol Launie, in Oregon

Everything everybody else has said is true and good advice, but if anybody else has said what I am going to I missed it.

For all that DN may appear brash and aloof and etc., I would put down money that she is feeling really insecure right now. Not just because she is in a new place and la-dee-da and everything like that. I would hazard that living outside her parents house is crumbling the foundations of her existance. Things are very different and much of what she is used to is looking like it is wrong. She has to defend the wrong because if she doesn't then maybe _everything_ is wrong and then where is she? She has to go back home eventually, and I bet her parents would not appreciate haveing a "snooty smart ass" upon her return. Would they really react like that? Maybe, lord knows I have seen it often enough. Be patient, do not challenge her on purpose, feed her mind and let her come to realization in her own time. Make sure she has resources, books, computers, etc available, and understands acceptable use (especially with computers). At the same time, make sure the basic rules are clear and consistantly enforced. Let her know exactly what the "hard limits" are, and be willing to compromise on lesser things. It will make her feel less helpless to have some things that are negotiable.

NightMist

What an insightful post! You obviously have a wonderful understanding of human nature.

OK...first off, I didn't mean for it to come across like I am equating her parents parenting skills with their lack of education...what ticked me off about that is that they do NOT have high school diplomas, yet they are making her think that they know everything about everything.....trust me, what they know is a nickel and dime existance because of the work that they can find - mom used to work at WalMart, now runs a booth at the flea market and spends her time scrounging other sales for things to sell in her booth, dad works at a plant making exercise equipment and in his spare time, he rehabs junked cars to flip for a profit. SHE (DN) already has major plans for her life - college with a degree in architecture/house planning, then going into business for herself, with a goal of having a 3 story house and a maid.

Maybe her parents are doing the best that they can, but to allow her to believe that they know EVERYTHING is just something that will contribute to behavior issues when a teacher in school tells her something that contradicts them...anyway, that's what I meant...I'm just pissed that they have pretty much let her slide and not given her any guidelines or anything and no real directions or rules. That makes me and DH look/feel like bad guys when we have to tell her no and explain why she can't sit at the computer for hours and hours and hours (which is what she does when she's at home).

Ok, that's enough for me

Larisa

P.S. Deanna made it through surgery just fine. She's home now and the anesthesia is finally wearing off. However, she has to wear an E- collar and that is making things difficult for her as far as eating, drinking, getting down stairs, etc. I will be sleeping downstairs with her tonight since she isn't supposed to go up and down stairs for at least 48 hours. I have to call tomorrow to make a follow up appointment in 2 weeks.

Larissa,

Maybe it's just the opposite - I don't think she sees you and your DH as bad guys. She's just trying to figure out if you two will let her behave exactly as her parents do. The only way she's going to find out is to test the boundaries to see where they are. And, test them repeatedly to see if they are consistant.

Try not to see it as a negative thing (although I'm sure it is wearing on you!!) - it all about testing you. Maybe you both need to sit down with her and lay things out. The kind of behavior that is acceptable, and what is not. That you have guidelines that must be followed in your house. You don't even need reasons for many of them other than 'this is how it is done here.'=20

-Irene (who has been there, dont that).=20 "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." - Mae West