(These may need a little translating for those unfamiliar with the Glaswegian patois)
A Glesga woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh, she phoned room service and asked for "some pepper". "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilet pepper! You eejit"
A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. Whit part is it?" she asks. The boy says, "I play the part of the Scottish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!"