OT: I'm a bad mother.....what else could it be??

Larissa,

Is Thomas on a new medication at all? I had the same problem with Matthew when he was in kindergarten. He was on Albureral for breathing problems daily. He had gotten a really bad cough. The doctor (not my regular ped, but his partner who I never did like) insisted that Matthew had to have cough medicine. I gave him the prescription Robitussin. With in 24 hours his behavior at home was HORRIBLE. The teacher then called to tell me that Matthew was replaced with a Martian kid and Matthew much have been taken to Mars as the kid in the body we knew as Matthew's was not Matthew. He was so obnoxious and sassy to the teacher she had to call me from her classroom. That night, he had gotten on top of his dresser and started to take the screen off his bedroom window. Luckily I heard him as we were upstairs. I went into his room, he had taken an pink ink pad gotten it wet and was covered in pink, his walls were covered along with his carpeting and there he was sitting on the dresser. Realized he was having a drug interaction with the Alburterl. As soon as I got him off the Robitussin, wham, Matthew returned to Earth.

Debbi in SO CA

off kilter quilter wrote:

Larisa I can empathize. I had a couple of my children that nearly drove me crazy years ago. Thankfully, someone suggested the Feingold diet to me, and damned if it didn't work wonders. Back then (25 years ago), all I got when I sent for info was a list of foods to avoid and the basic idea behind the logic. After visiting with our son and family this summer I went on-line to see if I could find any new info on this diet plan. Lo and behold they have an association now with books and everything. Don't know if this will help with your children but it can't hurt to look into. The association website is

and if you google Feingold diet you will get all kinds of info. The pros and the cons. Good luck, and many hugs......

Marilyn in sunny Alberta

Hi,

Hey we have twin sons. My son is also in Karate and does very well also. His teacher incouraged this as it was the one place where he was focused and behaved. I am not sure how old your son is, but mine is now almost ready for brown belt and I am pleased to say he brought home an 11/10 on behavior today. First time ever... but he daycare also told me he was trying really hard not to be so awful on Monday. I switched his meds (you mentioned meds, and I dont really know what kind they may be) from a stimulant to something much different. The stimulant gave him behavioral tics bleck. Anyhow my point in the end was talk to the karate instructor. It may be better just to let him have a place where he can excel at and be focused at.... at least those few hours a week no one is complaining about him and he is succeeding. Its awsome that the Karate place is so willing to work with you and the school. I only wish it were like that here.

Carissa

Larisa it is not you - it is the kids. Don't make the situatuation about you (I"m a bad mother)- it is about the kids, and let's face it that's what they are - kids.

Yes, I know they both have problems but they are still kids, they are still going to have bad days (and those wonderful good ones), they are still going to yell and scream and have rooms resembling brothels (ie gigantic mess). They are going to have temper tantrums and take forever to eat and drop food on the floor. Because they are kids.

They are then going to turn around (often with you having done nothing) and behave themselves, excel in their schoolwork and eat all their vegies. They will wash properly in the bath or shower and brush their teeth without you naggng. They will hug and kiss you with all their affection and tell you they love you with the most angelic look on their face.

why? Because they are kids.

Hugs to you because you had a bad day - remember, kids are kids.

(((Larissa)))

If you are a bad mom then I am the pits! if I look at all the time and trouble you put into the care of your kids making sure they are happy and healthy you are an amazing mom!

T has issues and they can be affected by all sorts of things - heck it might even be the fall that is causing it- colder weather and less sunlight - he probably doesn't even know himself what is going on.

the dinner bit can be fixed: use a timer and take away any food left over after a reasonable time - hungry kids will eat all they want in the first

15 - 20 mins.

you will get through this - it just isn't fun at all now :-(

Nope........you just have kids......and some times it will be difficult.

Try to ignore the bad things and only reward the good things but don't forget that, most of us always react only when something bad happens but when every thing is well we just live on ..........

Reward with something he realy realy likes, my friend made a big tree, drawn on a big sheet of paper she made to the door, she made 20 paper apples (it just a idea you can chage it in any form you want) and told her son that every time he (adhd) did what was asked from him like sitting at the dinnertable and eating his dinner or taking his toys at night in the toybox etc, he could put an apple in the tree, but every time he did something bad, he had to remove an apple.

When the tree was full he was rewarded by a smal gift (a little car he wanted) or going to macdonalds, or the movie or something like that.

Its just an idea, mayby you can do something like that, don\t make him stand out and make something simular for your other kid:) If it is possible let them help you cooking the dinner, eating is so much more for children if they help, because they eat 'selfcooked' food:))

Make dinnerportions small and dont' make it a battleground, Jessamy had de good idea, what they don't eat in 20 minutes, just remove......if he stil is hungry and asking for food after that, just offer fruits:)) My sister in law takes a timer to the table 1 or 2 times a week, and makes it into a game sometimes, who can eat the most in 15 minutes without making a mess gets something special(a piece of candy or icecream they don't get every day)

And what is the most important thing of all, you are a good and loving mother and you can do this, I know you are worried and I know your head is spinning round but you will cope, you love your kids, after they have gone to bed try to relax, dont let the chaos in your head tell you you are a bad mother, cellebrate that you have lived through an other day without killing them:).

And look in to their beds when they are sleeping, nature gave beaty to sleeping children so mothers melt by looking at them and give them strength for an other day.....

Hey, Larissa. This is the time of year when kiddos with developmental issues (like ADHD, autism, pdd etc) go through a really difficult behavior cycle. In addition to the shortening daylight hours ( and you have already mentioned you have SAD so you know how you react to this), there are also frequent changes in barometric pressure and lots of frontal activity. It is a very difficult time for kids, parents, teachers -- I think especially for kids because they do not understand what is making them act out the way they do and they don't like feeling out of control either.

Since I know you sew (LOL) try making a weighted vest ( you can put large square pockets inside a vest (fronts and back), go to the craft store and get modeling clay (the kind that comes in colors and is heavy; you'll want enough to equal 5% of body weight), divide the clay into 4 portions to equal that 5% of weight and place the portions into freezer-weight zip-lock baggies and put one baggie in each pocket. You might want a tiny bit of velcro to keep the pockets closed so that he won't find it so easy to take the weights out and fiddle with them (read that throw them around the room). You can also make a weighted blanket (lap quilt size or bigger) that he can use when he is at home. You can find instructions for weighted blankets on the internet.The sensation of weight is quite calming for kids with ADHD. When he is feeling agitated it sometimes help to give him a "heavy job" to do -- moving a heavy box from one side of the room to the other can be quite soothing also.

It is far better in these situations to be proactive than reactive -- your anxiety when he is cycling will escalate the behaviors rather than de-escalate them, as I am sure you already know.

You are being the best mom that you can be; neurological issues are tough. I deal with them daily in school but I know I get to send these kiddos home at the end of the day; their parents live with the behaviors. I really have a great deal of respect for parents like you who are trying to find ways to make life better for their children.

Elizabeth in Spring, Texas

I just wanted to thank all of you for your input and advice. Today is going to be one of pins and needles - called the on-call pediatrician last night and the suggestion was that the medication could be wrong for him and to give him a day with NO medication to see if his behavior is any different.

So, with a LONG note written to his teacher, off he went with no medication. I scared for him and worried for his teacher. SHe has had training with children like Thomas, but there are 24 kids in the class and she can't devote ALL of her time to Thomas.

Maybe everything will go well, maybe it won't, but all I can do is pray about it. I told her to call me if his behavior is too out of control and I will come to the school to try and help (or bring his medication).

I vegged last night because I couldn't even stay focused enough to work on the garden flags that I said I would do....nerves are just shot completely.

Larisa

Read Granny Weatherwax'x advice carefully... Then read it again, especially the last bit! :)

((((((HUGS FOR LARISA AND THE KIDS))))))

I'd also reiterate that you shouldn't remove the Karate rewards: right now he NEEDS to be rewarded for SOMETHING before he gets the erroneous message that he's a total dingbat and failure! Let him have that one for free - no strings attached to going and being allowed to grade so long as he behaves well AT KARATE. Let him know you are delighted that he's doing so well there: it may well be enough to spill over into the rest of life. He's probably not able to assimilate deferred punishment and rewards right now: try to deal with things as they come up and then let them go.

Rebekah's is probably all copy-cat stuff: break the circle with him and you win her too. :)

And you aren't a bad mother at all: you're a very GOOD mother. If you weren't, you'd have given up ages ago!

Bad mothers stick a teat on a cola bottle and feed their infant diet cola. Good mothers find juice with no additives, and give their kids milk... And teach them to use a cup before they are three!

Bad mothers feed their kids at MacDeadburgers every day. Good mothers feed their kids home made food.

Bad mothers let the TV babysit until 2 am... Good mothers watch an hour a day WITH their kids, and then turn off and go outside with them and the dog, and get the kids to bed at a reasonable time!

Bad mothers scream and swear at the kids when they spread jam on the dog. Good mothers giggle and make the kids help wash the dog - out in the yard with the garden hose!

And so on. Choose your camp! ;)

Nanny Ogg XXXXXX

Dear Larissa,

So much good advice! I'm tempted to copy, paste and publish this into a "Quilty Wisdom for Saving your Sanity and Raising Good Children." Seriously, I would join the recommendation to go ahead with his karate rewards. The boy is concentrating and working hard at his karate without messing up there. Rewarding that effort sends a strong message about direct cause and effect: do well at karate, get rewarded; do well at school, get rewarded there too.

I know how hard this is. And all my "wisdom" comes from a woman with a

17-year-old son with an IQ of close to 150 who is maybe not going to graduate high school this year because he can't do his school work. Take it for what it's worth, LOL. But don't give up and don't despair and don't blame yourself. Or anybody else. It's life. Hug those babies, even if they howl and smack you when you do it. Don't worry about t omorrow. Or even about dinner. If the table has become an issue, surprise everybody. Put a quilt on the floor and make tonight a picnic. Finger foods. Nothing hot or hard to cook. Lots of giggles and no pressure.

But take a few minutes to yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for doing so much and doing it well. Even if the kiddies act like little beasties, we won't take your apples off the tree. ;) You're a good mom. Because all the other ideas about what makes a bad mom are even a bit suspect to me. There's just one criteria for my definition of good mom: A good mom loves her children and worries like crazy when things are wrong; a bad mom never notices and if somebody calls it to her attention, she blames somebody else and never gives it another thought.

Clearly, you're a good mother.

Prayers and good wishes to you, Sunny Kate Dicey wrote:

Dear Larissa,

So much good advice! I'm tempted to copy, paste and publish this into a "Quilty Wisdom for Saving your Sanity and Raising Good Children." Seriously, I would join the recommendation to go ahead with his karate rewards. The boy is concentrating and working hard at his karate without messing up there. Rewarding that effort sends a strong message about direct cause and effect: do well at karate, get rewarded; do well at school, get rewarded there too.

I know how hard this is. And all my "wisdom" comes from a woman with a

17-year-old son with an IQ of close to 150 who is maybe not going to graduate high school this year because he can't do his school work. Take it for what it's worth, LOL. But don't give up and don't despair and don't blame yourself. Or anybody else. It's life. Hug those babies, even if they howl and smack you when you do it. Don't worry about t omorrow. Or even about dinner. If the table has become an issue, surprise everybody. Put a quilt on the floor and make tonight a picnic. Finger foods. Nothing hot or hard to cook. Lots of giggles and no pressure.

But take a few minutes to yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for doing so much and doing it well. Even if the kiddies act like little beasties, we won't take your apples off the tree. ;) You're a good mom. Because all the other ideas about what makes a bad mom are even a bit suspect to me. There's just one criteria for my definition of good mom: A good mom loves her children and worries like crazy when things are wrong; a bad mom never notices and if somebody calls it to her attention, she blames somebody else and never gives it another thought.

Clearly, you're a good mother.

Prayers and good wishes to you, Sunny

You are not a bad mother! Don't even think that. I do think that you should not deprive Thomas of his karate class. This is his outlet. It does sound like it could be a medication problem, but I also wonder if he isn't acting out because your husband might not be at home as much because of his work. I'm past the age of raising children, but I know that my daughter has said that when her husband travels out of the country for his job, that the kids are strange. The last time he had to travel to Europe, both kids started sleepwalking. They had never done it before. The 9 year old went downstairs, was standing in front of the television with the remote in his hand, had turned on the television, and was talking about his sister's soccer game. She turned off the TV, and took him upstairs to his bed. He never remembered anything about it the next day. His 7 year old sister went downstairs, was standing with the door into the garage open, and was screaming for her Daddy. She also never remembered anything. They do fine when he travels in the U. S., it's only when he goes to Europe that they act like this. Good luck, and remember that you are a good mother.

Sherry Starr

Reminds me of when DH would go outta town for 2 weeks at a time. DS was in first grade. teacher requested he be tested etc... all that did was waste our time. grandma suggested keeping a 'log' of behavior changes both by us and the teacher. found a very distinct pattern. dad was home the first 3 days after he left DS was fine.then it went down hill (for the last 2 school days and back up again the 2 school days before DH was to come home). Once we had that figured out she 'adjusted' what she expected from him and it worked out. It also was her FIRST year of teaching. Once DH was back in town on a steady basis his behavior went back to 'normal'.

You are doing good DD, just remember there are some things that kids have NO CONTROL over and wish they could have. Must be very frustrating for DS right now.

{{{{{{{{ Larisa }}}}}}}}}}} heck, L, only a good mother would actively seek ideas on handling this with the calmness you both deserve. i recall those times long long ago so well. its not easy being a mom.

i like Elizabeths idea. i dont really know anything at all about how it works but seems to me just maybe it will somehow distract either the mind or body with the extra lifting the muscles are doing. maybe its the blood flow or maybe its the nerves doing it but whatever, i'd think its worth a try at any rate. heck theres gotta be something needs moving round there that you dont have time to do so why not let T try it and see if it helps at all.

...and as i often get told by one and all when i start in on all my petty probs that just annoy 'me' so much when i seem to be getting nowhere in the scheme of things.... breathe, jeanne, breathe. someone told me its a 'star' 'S'top, 'T'ake a breath 'A'nd 'R'elax

ok ok, you lot stop laughing at me, i know i have the wrong nickname, me a star but i dont do the 'star' thing very well but i am trying, honestly i am. if you'd known me yrs and yrs ago you'd realize how far i've come in that respect. where theres life, theres hope. i live in a constant state of hope, lol. one day at a time, for all of us, L. good luck and big old hugz for ya, L. jeanne

off kilter snipped-for-privacy@somwherequiet.net wrote:

Then there's the ole trick of 'kick the box'. Get a cardboard box.sturdier the better...takes MORE kicks before it starts to disintegrate. Have 'em kick the box around the yard and see which LEG can kick it 'the farthest' (NOT competing against *each other* here). Why don't YOU go out and kick it, too? Make it a real game.

HTH Butterfly

Wonderful suggestions Elizabeth! The "weight blanket" works for me also.

Here's another one Lissa - believe me, I know this sounds crazy, but as a sufferer of SAD I was amazed at the difference it makes. A light box! Or you can even put plant bulbs in the light fixtures in the rooms Thomas spends most of his time in. You know those UV bulbs that you grow plants under? For the last two winters, I have even gone to a tanning place. Sounds crazy too, considering the additional health risks, but it is amazing how much better I feel mentally if I even only spend 10 minutes, one day a week, in a UV tanning bed!

I keep UV plant lights in my kitchen light fixture since I spend so much time in the kitchen.

Hugs to you and the kiddos, hang in there! Tina

What's the rush? Dinner time is often the only time everyone is together. It can be a very relaxed time for the family to enjoy the food, each other's company, and for the children to learn some social skills. Sometimes it helps

*every> the dinner bit can be fixed: use a timer and take away any food left over

no rush - but it has been proven that kids eat all the food they need in this time and when kids are playing or trying to play the food wars this is a way of winning the game *without* fighting.

also smaller kids don't do the lengthy dinner thing *yet* it get boring fast

((((((((((Larisa))))))))))) Repeat after me: "I am not a bad mother. I am not a bad mother." Please take it from someone who has a bipolar, ADHD son, you are not a bad mother, and are not necessarily responsible for every last thing your children do!! Adjusting his meds might work. My son got sneaky enough that I'd give him the meds, he'd pretend to swallow, and spit them out when I wasn't looking!! I repeat, you are not a bad mother!! ((((more hugs))))