Doing a friend a favour by posting this to the group for her...she wants to remain anonymous for now.
"I'm asking Jalynne to post this for me because I want to keep my business private for now as I deal with some very stressful things. My husband and I have decided to divorce after many years of marriage. I have children and have been a stay at home mom for MANY years. I want to get a feel of what others have done as far as alimony/child support. This is definitely a case of shared custody (me during the week and him on weekends).
If you want to email privately, please email Jalynne and she'll forward to me and I'll write back to you.
Thanks for your help."
My email addy is craftigirl at earthlink dot net Thanks so much for helping out a friend in need. She'll be looking forward to your responses.
On Fri, 26 Sep 2003 20:52:56 -0400, Cheryl wrote (in message ):
For a woman who has been a stay at home parent for a long time, the law is in her favor. She will need to get a job, of course; but it needn't be a 70+ hour/week career path one. The needs of the children in having a stay home parent will be taken into consideration.
The laws are written from the point of view of having the non-custodial parent make the most money, and the custodial parent (usually the mom) has a history for low paying jobs sacrificed for child care. The courts want this to remain the status quo, so they usually whack the high paying non custodial parent for a large percentage of their income. Over a period of time, the custodial parent will have to move toward self-sufficiency, with the goal that alimony and child care will end at the same time. (Meaning Mom and kids are all capable of self support of themselves at roughly the same date)
You're in this position, so that's a good thing. The courts understand it, and the laws work on those assumptions. When DH and I were separated, we were looking at a divorce, and it was a real eye opener. I was the high earner during the term of the marriage, and I was going to retain full custody of DD. The court couldn't "grok" this situation, and ended up trying to take a huge percentage of DH's wages, leaving him less than poverty wages to live on. Because I made so much, I really didn't need his money.
In Massachusetts the statuory minimum support order is $50/week for a parent who has any income and is outside of jail. Rather than take all that was "allowed," (40% of his pitiful income), I chose to take the minimum, and dropped it in DD's saving's account. On weeks when he needed the money to survive (the $50 a week was really hurting him), I gave it back to him out of my own pocket. It was not in my best interest to have my daughter's father living in poverty and in want. Besides, I loved him, despite the fact that we thought we wouldn't remain married.
We did this, with some adjustment for weekends where he had to work. I owned the house where his parents live, which made for some interesting conversations. My whole concern was the least disruption of my daughter's life. (DH sure picked a time to go all mid-life crisis on me. His mother was dying, DD was two inches away from being institutionalized for depression, His employer somehow convinced him that working 18 hours a day 7 days a week would somehow release the pressure on our family)
The court awarded the house to me, since it was obvious that DH could have never managed the mortgage without rental income. (His parents were to live in the first floor apartment, rent free, for the rest of their lives) In that way, DD would not lose the only home she remembers. He got his car and the payments, and I got my car and the payments. The rest of the stuff we split between us with no argument. He got almost all the furniture, so DD would feel at home in his new place.
We went to state mandated parenting classes, and were in shock at the horrible, dyfunctional people there, and they all seemed to be filled with rage. After the second session, the counsellor told us that we really didn't need "divorce counselling," we needed "marriage counselling." In lieu of that, we arranged several 2 hour blocks of time to work out an agreement to get DH back as part of our family. We hammered out an agreement over many plates of Chinese food (my treat, since DH had been living on Ramen).
We had him come home for Christmas, because the season has so many symbols of a new life and rebirth, and because it seemed best for DD. Turned out to be the right decision. DH's mother died peacefully 6 weeks later, comforted at the end that we were back together. DD's "depression" miraculously went away. My sole condition: DH was to get rid of that damn job, even if it means you're unemployed forever. No job is worth sacrificing your family by working 24/7. Five years later, the company is still in its death throes, and all the Sr. level Managers are divorced or getting there.
Almost six years later, we're still doing all right. We look at our time apart as a painful period that was necessary for our to grow into a more adult relationship. We have the girls now, and everything is just fine. Our only ongoing gripe is that DH wants the house to be neat (but not clean it) and I am unable to clean. Every cleaning person I've brought in is unacceptable to him for one reason or another. Sooner or later, I'll wear him down and tell him that this housekeeper is it, and he's going to have to deal.
The laws are written from the point of view of having the non-custodial parent make the most money, and the custodial parent (usually the mom) has a history for low paying jobs sacrificed for child care. The courts want this to remain the status quo, so they usually whack the high paying non custodial parent for a large percentage of their income.>>
actually dear -- it was just the opposite in my case--- I make more - AND I got the kids.. .of course I got the insurance, and very damn little support out of the ex too....
of course- he lost his juicy meal ticket. Don't you all bet today he could just kick his derrier??? I know his father overheard me telling a friend about going to law school - about a year ago - in a grocery store . Didn't see him - but when I did - his eyes were like big marbles.... wanna bet he told his son " you blew it."? ROTFL
However- you are correct that the "system" tends to look to protecting women who have not been the breadwinners, or lack job skills. Many states only award what they call "rehabilitative alimony" - which means you only get it until you can support yourself.... However, Child support is until they turn 18. Also note that child support can be MODIFIED along the way -- as the woman earns more - she gets less support for the kids....
Cheryl of DRAGON BEADS Flameworked beads and glass
. Every cleaning person I've brought in is unacceptable to him for one reason or another. Sooner or later, I'll wear him down and tell him that this housekeeper is it, and he's going to have to deal.>
ROTFL - this is so great.... solution tell him HE HAS TO HIRE THE HOUSEKEEPER>>>>
Cheryl of DRAGON BEADS Flameworked beads and glass
Celine - I fear that is how a lot of homes are run. In my first marriage I did almost everything at home. I was a house mom and loved it. Now that I'm remarried, I'm less likely to do anything other than cook. Even then I don't usually want to cook. My hubby complains I took care of first hubby better than him. I just look at it as taking care of my daughters and not their father.
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