On Fri, 19 Sep 2003 19:18:25 -0400, Kaytee wrote (in message ):
Neither my siblings or I had diagnosed ODD as your son has, but we sure made Mom earn her gray hair, so take my suggestions/advice/similar situations with a grain of salt.
If we didn't arrange a ride home from work, we had to get ourselves home. Usually that meant hoofing it -- and we all were working by the time we were
- If you could arrange it with mom beforehand, she'd come get you, but it cost: she charged for her gas and time, maybe one way, IIRC. If you worked until late at night, the ride was free. The idea was to get us to use public transportation if at all possible. Since the bus cost 14. If you could arrange it with mom beforehand, she'd come get you, but it cost: she charged for her gas and time, maybe $2 one way, IIRC. If you worked until late at night, the ride was free. The idea was to get us to use public transportation if at all possible. Since the bus cost $0.10 (student fare), and a cab was $10, you took the bus or walked home from work (4 miles, in my case). Same for my brother, except he bought a bike and used that as his back/forth when the weather was nice..10 (student fare), and a cab was , you took the bus or walked home from work (4 miles, in my case). Same for my brother, except he bought a bike and used that as his back/forth when the weather was nice.
It turned out to be the easiest for our younger sister. She worked 4-7 p.m. at a local hospital as a dietary aide (kitchen help). By the time she was working, I had my own car and picked her up from work. She would walk the
1/2 mile from the high school to the hospital, and I'd be waiting at the door when she got out. I didn't think of it as a big deal, but recently she told me how it made her feel so cared for, to have your sister and her "new" car every day without fail, with a bottle of ice water in the passenger seat. (There's always an ice cold drink for the girls when I pick them up, too. It's such a little thing, and they're always parched) For free!BTW, the car was only new to me. It was a 1975 Plymouth Duster, customized and gorgeous. I named the car Priscilla, and have never loved a car like I loved that one. Worked a third job over a whole summer just to buy her - the used car guy would get my weekly payment, and once I had $1,800, she was mine. Priscilla gave her life for me when I got squashed by the Mack Truck. She's still remembered as a great car.
It sounds like your son needs a similar arrangement to ours, with the added condition that skateboarding at night isn't safe. If he's a nit-picker, night is defined as the time that the streetlight in front of your home comes on. If your town has good public transportation, mention that a bus pass as his best option. At any rate, sit down with him and mention that right now his transportation options are unacceptable to you. Sit back and let him brainstorm for a while and see if there's an option that you both can can live with. A Mom ride that costs "X," a bus ride that costs "X/10," a free walk (after the reflective safety gear is purchased), a free ride from a reliable friend (a great way to find out just how reliable your friends really are) or maybe some other option your son comes up with.
List the pros and cons on a sheet, and each of you can talk about your preferences. It may well turn out that he thinks that walking or biking home is the best option, but that's his option. If he thinks that Mom picking him up at varying hours is best, remind him that there's a cost and that you don't provide credit. (My brother tried to cadge some free rides, then the policy was changed to "pay the second you get in the car.") Regardless, at
17 (I think), it is his decision, and he might think a lot more kindly to arranging rides at the beginning of the week after he's spent a long, rainy muddy walk toward home after a tough day.BTW, he is paying you for the privilege of living in your home? That was something that my mother insisted upon. The second you start working, a significant percentage of your earnings was your room and board fee. Each and every time I got a raise, my expenses went up accordingly. Part of it that Mom really needed the money to feed us, but part of it was the simple fact that people who work have bills. Oh yes, if we got canned for not showing up (my brother) or telling restaurant customers about the roaches (my sister), your board debt accumulates until you get a new job. Then Mom "couldn't afford" to run the house, meaning that all the good stuff: cable, junk food, going out, using the car... all were on hold for everyone until the slacker got a new job. Sibling pressure was way worse than parental pressure, because we had no detectable affection for one another.
Oh well. If he gets fired, his debt will accumulate and all the goodies of life go away until he can start working again and repay the debt. Or maybe he'll find that groveling at his current boss will make a difference.
Left a mess in
Public areas of the house must be left in guestworthy condition. Otherwise, there will be no access to those public areas of the house until such time as the offender proves responsible. Only took my brother about a day to figure out that he was going to be hungry when barred from the kitchen after leaving it in a mess. That didn't happen again. BTW, sibling lack of affection works wonders when someone isn't allowed in a specific area of the house. We couldn't wait to rat out the offendee the moment that Mom walked in the house. Bedroom is about calf-deep
It's his room, at least for now. As long as his filth does not effect the rest of the house in any way, including bugs and odors, he can wallow all he likes. I'd insist upon a semi-annual swamp out, to make sure that there are no bugs and that the fire exits can be easily accessed.
If he shares a room, he needs to negotiate with his roomate for an acceptable level of disarray. If at all possible, put everything in writing. You both speak, he writes. That way, he can never say he didn't know about X, Y or Z. Make and keep hidden copies of the contract, in case it "gets lost."
He's been told to be home by 7PM-- if it's
What happens when you get to a store when it's closed? It's locked and you can't get in. I'd warn about this possibility happening _once_ and then do exactly as you said. He'll sleep with a friend, probably stay away for a night or two to "punish" you, but he'll be back. He might even do it a second time, to test your resolve. If he gets the same results, he'll know you mean it, and should be a lot more attentive to the passing of time.
When I was a teen, I poilitely reminded that the State maintains laws that decree that I was indeed, a child, and that children are not supposed to be in public places between one and five a.m. Our town is stricter than that -
10 p.m. on weeknights, midnight on weekends. Even if there is no official curfew where you live, you, as the responsible adult for this child (and the state does hold you responsible for this child), deem it to be in his best interest to have his behind in the door at 7 p.m.If he is close to legal age, you might want to suggest he speak with his school guidance counsellor about the procedure to declare him emancipated. Speak with the guidance counsellor beforehand, so that she can let your son know what this means - no parental support, work to live, no safety net. Being a kid will suddenly seem a lot more attractive.
As for me, I needed to be persuaded to move out. Mom decided that raising my rent to $200/week would do it. Sure did. I had my own apartment, toute suite! (And I took my damn dog with me!)
Thinking back on it, I think my brother may have had ODD, and my sister definitely had ODD. They ran my mother ragged. I remember doing a lot and not getting caught, but my siblings say that Mom had always known about everything. It's just my level of being bad was so far removed from their more creative adventures. (one small example) My sister drove a friend home before she had a license, because the friend was too drunk to drive. Problem was, they were both 13, and it was the friend's mother's car. My sister ripped both doors off the car by backing through an alley with the car's doors open. My sister negotiated with a body shop to have it repaired on layaway, and worked an extra job to pay for it. She also got grounded, which meant "solitary confinement," which drove her crazy.
Hope this helps, at least in knowing that you aren't alone.
Kathy N-V