OT: Happy Dancing

Well done all of you! Make a badge: 'I survived the In-Laws!' ;)

Well done again!

Ah, yes... Life without a kitchen... My sister decamped to the Lake District for Christmas the year that happened to her, and let Marks & Spencers do all the food prep! She just shoved it in the oven and set the timers!

You going to do the Full English Christmas, or opt for a French one this time round? Mine gets a bit Scots round the edges, with Black Bun, shortbread, and stuff like that, and a bit French in one corner with the GMNT's favourite Bouche de Noel (sp?) from Nigella's Feasts! I love Christmas food, and making it low fat and wheat free is a bit of a challenge!

Oh a mixture of both!! IF I have an oven, then roast duck on Christmas Eve, that's when everyone has their big meal here. Being Cornish, clotted cream on the pudding of course! We're able to buy shopping from Asda & Waitrose and get it delivered here. We use a UK based company that delivers groceries throughout Europe! Really strange, but some things you just can't get or the mark up is so ridiculous it is cheaper to import groceries! So we get crackers and share them with our French friends, although last year a local shop did stock them.

There is such a mixture of nationalities here from Spanish, Italians, Dutch and British, that the French seem to have embraced most traditions!

Janner France

That sounds like fun. Having lived in Germany for a while, and as an owner of a Rumtopf pot, I tend also to make Rumtopf for Christmas, and serve it with home made vanilla ice cream and those little spiral chocolate coated wafer biscuits... And we usually find some Lebkuchen in Aldi to help things along!

Glad that the visit ended up good for you both! Also glad you will be teaching again this year! Barbara in FL

OK, spoke to soon - trust me!!! Knew it couldn't last!

DH under a lot of pressure at work this week, so not happy anymore. He is working 12hr days and has workload building up. Just spoke to him and he is so frustrated that he is almost in tears. I wish I knew what to say, been here before with him, back in UK, so his answer is "why did we move here, for the same old rubbish?". I wish I had an answer, but I don't, like everyone else we have bills and a mortgage - both of which "ties" him down. Life is better here and I know that this pressure will pass, but he just says it is going to get worse... I'm just thankful that he has a job, so many of our friends have lost theirs lately. I'm worried that he'll do something stupid and jack it in, then I don't know what will happen to us.

I'm just trying to keep quite and be a good listener, but it worries me when he is like this. Oh for a magic wand, no mortgage/bills etc, but unfortunately that's life. Buy a lottery ticket this week and see what happens!

I wonder if it is a reaction to his parents being here and this stress coming out in another form? Almost as if he wants to fail to prove them right - his Dad went from 1 job to another all his working life, whenever it got to tough he would move on. Hardly a good role model.

Oh yes, have done 2/3 of the "bad wall", but sore throat today from the cleaners! So that doesn't help how I feel.

Janner France

There's probably quite a bit of reaction in there. Just do what I do: hang in there, take all the household and home-management tasks of him that you can until he's back on even keel, and then get him involved again at home so he doesn't feel excluded, and like he's only there for the money he brings in.

I point out the things I've done to Himself, or he passes through with his mind on other things and doesn't notice! He sometimes jokes: You've tidied up! Now I can't find anything!

Thanks, I was feeling alone about this. Yes, we've already started taking his tasks away, so he can just rest when he gets home.

You've given me plenty to think about, thanks.

Janner France

Ok, first, some of those stresses are universal constants; there's no place on the planet that's stress-free - you can run but you can't hide. The skills to cope with them need to be learned.

Second, the man's got to vent. He can't do it at work; he's got to remain professional and in control, so he bottles it up until he gets home (and all the while it's been building like a pressure cooker) and then when he let's it out, it's magnified - big badda-boom - and there's no-one there to vent to but the most important person in his life. It doesn't make sense, but it's common. Let him vent and get it out of his system - whatever he needs - THEN approach with the hug/ whatever after he's done. DON'T take any of it personally, even if it winds up aimed at you. Remain calm and adult (like you did with the in-laws) - don't feed the beast, and when it's over, have any adult conversations you need to have in a calm adult manner.

He needs to learn/develop some stress management techniques - both for during the day, and after he gets home. The usual excuse is, "When am I supposed to find TIME for that?" You don't find time - you MAKE it. There are a lot of things that work - meditation, yoga, exercise, power naps.... It won't be easy, but he has the power & choice to do what he needs to do or be miserable. IOW, he can't control the outside forces, but he CAN control himself and how he deals/reacts, and he has to learn to separate work life from home life. The ride home is the transition period. Again, learned skills.

I'm not talking out of my... ear, here. My DW is in a *very* similar situation. It took some time, but things are getting better as she learns and acquires the coping skills. She started a group that meditates during part of lunch break. They go back to work feeling MUCH better having dealt with the stress of the morning. It doesn't take a lot of time - a coffee break can do in time. Meditation may not work for him - I don't know what will, but there's something, and he'll have to do his part in finding, and then doing, it.

Possible, but don't make it a self-fulfilling prophesy or an enabling excuse. You dealt with the in-laws behavior. Now it may be time for both of you to deal with his behavior. Just don't treat him parent to child (or whichever method you used); adult to adult.

Take care of yourself first. Like on an airplane if the masks drop down, fix your own first - THEN help those around you.

Doc

Thanks so much for those wise words again. I'm sure that I can point him in the right direction and be there for him, we always hurt those who are closest - weird that one.

Feeling better this afternoon, been cutting down trees, to stop a pine martin climbing in our attic, very therapeutic and the fresh air certainly helped. Mind you other muscles are hurting now :p) but I'm feeling better.

Janner France