OT..passive aggresive

i'm not sure i understand what that means. j.

"Joanna" wrote... My partner is passive aggressive and I'm just figuring this out. So anyone out that that has any hints, tips, tricks on dealing with someone like this would be appreciated. Thanx Joanna

Have a look at the Karpman Drama Triangle.

I'm not sure how you deal with it, except to not get involved in the silliness.. It is a very manipulative syndrome, and the person often has no awareness of it and couldn't or wouldn't control it if they did, without treatment. Initially, I'd just not argue with him. Say "yes dear" and walk away. (hard to do, especially when they are lying) They love to draw you in to their debates, where they always come out as the injured party. .

But depending on the degree of seriousness, you may have to get counselling just to stay in the relattionship...but HE is the one who desperately needs it.

All the best,

Lynne in Toronto

Ice cream, good women friends, a hobby you love and a bathroom big enough to hide in for an hour or two. With the ice cream, while talking to a good woman friend on your cell phone. Also it helps if you really, really love your partner and are committed to staying in the relationship.

Sunny

Smacking them around the head and ears has always worked for me. They rarely fight back. If they do, they aren't really passive/aggressive so you don't have much to lose.

Cindy

I looked at Karpman, Nel, and found it very interesting. Thank you. Polly

I'm not sure I'd ask a question like that on a group like this - YMMV. This kind of thing is pretty serious and really needs the advice of experts. A quick google of the groups yielded this link: "How to Deal with Difficult People - Part 3: Passive-Aggressive"

in particular: "How to Deal With Passive Aggressive Behavior in Your Partner"

Doc

Well, my ex was very passive agressive. when confronted with this, and after counseling, it was clear he had desire to change and indeed made no effort. I was supposed to just "like it or lump it" to use a very old phrase.

I moved out and divorced him.

G> My partner is passive aggressive and I'm just figuring this out. So

My x was like this, too. Once I caught on what he was doing, I'd just smile, sometimes said ok, anything but fight/yell back. One time he even said to me: "What??? You're not going to get mad?" Now that pissed him off big time and all it did was just give him another reason to be mad at me so off to do his drinking he went.

Sometimes asking questions to the passive aggresser helps. That turns thing around and they gotta think to give an answer.

It all depends how strong this aggressiveness is....and seeking help is always an answer as well as a good book on the subject.

Thinking of you....I know how this makes you feel like %&#^%).

Donna in WA

No ideas here, Joanna, but I wish you the best.

You might want to read Harriet Lerner's _The Dance of Anger_. It's been out for a long time, and is one of the best things written for women in problem relationships. Even though she's written other things since, I think this one's still the most valuable. It was really eye- opening for me and most everyone who's read it tells me the same thing.

NAYY, but here's the Amazon link.

--Heidi

I would echo what else has been said here, with one comment you absolutely have to grasp: you *cannot*, *will not*, change them from being passive aggressive.

So the first thing you have to do is ask yourself whether the relationship is worth putting up with this for the rest of your life.

Second comes learning strategies for not getting caught up in the craziness; you can do first and second simultaneously, actually.

There are a lot of places to learn how to handle this (and as mentioned elsewhere, a quilting newsgroup is probably not a good one). Twelve step programs are exceptionally good for this. Even if alcohol isn't involved in the relationship (or either of your parents), don't discount what you can learn from Alanon or Adult Children groups and literature. They'll teach you coping skills and help you move from simply intellectually grasping the idea that you can only change you (learning different responses to the behavior) to emotionally understanding it---which is when it gets real in your life.

You may discover, however, if you get seriously involved in learning the skills and thought processes (as opposed to "hints, tips and tricks") that you are no longer interested in continuing that sort of relationship. Life's awfully short to choose to spend your time with manipulative people.

--pig

Joanna, the one thing you have to get, absolutely *have* to get, is that you cannot change him. Nor can a counselor change him. And if you're approaching counseling thinking "I need help making him change", you're setting yourself up for failure.

He has to want to change, and he has to choose to change. Do go ahead and make the effort; it will give you peace of mind in the long run that you tried everything you could. But do it realistically, knowing that what you're doing is working on *you*, not him; at most you're giving him an opportunity to choose to change.

Also be prepared for the possibility that he'll change somewhat when/if he starts to seriously believe you may leave---but go right back to his usual behavior as soon as he believes he's got you persuaded to stay. Real change is possible, but "temporary change as a tactic" is more common.

That doesn't mean that there's no chance he'll change (now or ever); it doesn't mean that ten years down the line he won't turn into a civilized human being. But that's not your problem (I know, it feels like it is, but it really really isn't): your problem is to figure out what you need to do for you and your kids. And that involves figuring out what your needs are and how best to meet them---and the counselor should help with that.

--pig, btdt