OT: possible return of sanity

Larissa, I am so sorry for you. I have been in a similar situation with one of DH's grown children. She was grown, married, and had children. One time she stole all my clothes, and only left me 1 dress to wear to work. Try to just relax, and do nothing. I doubt if your children will have any problems with her bad influence. They sound like very caring individuals - like their parents - and will probably just need to be reminded occasionally if their behavior is unacceptable. Children know what is acceptable, and what behavior is acceptable. They just always like to test their parents. There are some people who do not appreciate things that have been made, they only want store bought. To them, handmade things are symbols of being unable to purchase the item at the store because of the cost. They consider those items to be cheap and not as up to date as items purchased in the store.

Sherry Starr

"off kilter snipped-for-privacy@somwherequiet.net" wrote in message news: snipped-for-privacy@o61g2000hsh.googlegroups.com...

I am NOT getting on your case. I just want you to ask yourself : what DID you expect? You knew her background. I'm thinking she 'wadded them up' so you would NOT give them to anyone else....if she made them look awful you'd pitch them....which would mean that they were for HER and her alone. You said she was told that she COULD NOT bring anything with her from you and only took what she thought her folks wouldn't notice in the long run. Sounds like she daren't defy her folks. Sounds like this child has NO self love and has no clue how to accept it from anyone else.

And we wonder why children run away......

Your kidlets will be ok. They may try a few 'press mommies buttons' until they see it gets NO REACTION from you (I discovered a 'Spock eyebrow' with no words spoken worked wonders on my kidlets after we had an "unwanted by her kin teen" in our house for a coupla months. I only had to remind the girl that these are OUR rules a coupla times and then the eyebrow worked on her , too. She DID get to keep her things as she went to a foster home)

MomII (I hurt for her)

"off kilter snipped-for-privacy@somwherequiet.net" wrote in message news: snipped-for-privacy@o61g2000hsh.googlegroups.com...

Oh, I expected damaged goods, really, I did. WHat I didn't expect was to have to tell a 13yo EVERY day that she needs to think before she says or does anything because of how she comes across - as in how she talks to my children, DH and myself. What came through loud and clear was that there has never been any consistency in her life - with boundaries, punishments, etc. It was also apparent that she has grown up with people making promises and then not keeping them - whether the promise to do something nice together, or the promise that if a certain behavior continues, there will be punishment. SHe tested that one too many times and actually stared at me in shock when I told her I was calling her parents to come get her early. Apparently she didn't think I would follow through on my promise.

I'm more hurt about the clothing than anything, but you know....somebody who appreciates well-made things will find them either in the missions box at church or at Goodwill. I can't let it get to me or else, all the plans that came from a brainstorming session about starting my sewing business "for real" (as opposed to in my head) will get bogged down in the rejection and depression.

Having not been around her a whole lot, I didn't realize just HOW screwed up her parents made her think she was....MAJOR self esteem issues....we kept reminding her that she is a very intelligent, attractive young lady and that if she has goals, it is up to her to do everything in her power to reach those goals....if it means knuckling down and getting her grades up so that she can earn scholarships, then that is what she needs to do. She wants to be an architect...something her parents don't even know about! ANd she told us that she wants to come to school up here because she likes the balance of quiet areas and city areas, and because she knows that if she has trouble, she can call us and bounce things off us....plus, she has never seen snow and thinks that would be pretty cool :-)

It has made me extremely jaded about bending over backwards to kiss anybody else's butt, though....not something I will be doing any time soon.

And the sad thing is that I really want to get to work on some clothing for the 4 people that truly appreciate it - DH, DD, DS, and myself - but I can't even wrap my head around it right now.....

Larisa

P.S. I found a great little quilt sh> I am NOT getting on your case.

Larissa, you are right to feel hurt and sad. I would feel the same way after putting in all that effort. Who knows, perhaps in her head she didn't want to bring any of those items because she would be reminded daily of the love and care that went into them, and the love and care your family has....and perhaps that was something that was pretty hard for her to leave behind...and in order to do it she had to leave the gifts.

You have a heart of gold, and I just know that deep down you made a positive impression on your neice. Perhaps someday she'll be in a position to tell you so. =20

-Irene

Maybe she knew that after she got home she would have to throw the items away. We don't ever know the envirement some children really have to live in. However, I would have felt hurt, too. Barbara in SC

"IMS" .. Larissa, you are right to feel hurt and sad. I would feel the same way after putting in all that effort. Who knows, perhaps in her head she didn't want to bring any of those items because she would be reminded daily of the love and care that went into them, and the love and care your family has....and perhaps that was something that was pretty hard for her to leave behind...and in order to do it she had to leave the gifts.

You have a heart of gold, and I just know that deep down you made a positive impression on your neice. Perhaps someday she'll be in a position to tell you so.

-Irene

It was probably less painful for her to voluntarily give up the clothes than to take them home and have them taken away and destroyed.

Ms P "off kilter snipped-for-privacy@somwherequiet.net" wrote in message news: snipped-for-privacy@n2g2000hse.googlegroups.com...

Larisa, this is so sad. A girl as old as your neice obviously already has so many problems and issues .... it would take far longer than a summer to help her grow into the kind of person you hope your children will be.

My bet is she loved the things you made for her, but they made her feel anger and sadness because of the difference between her home and the home you tried to give her. Often children -- and she is still a child -- express grief and sadness as anger.

As for your husband and his siblings ... very sad. I'm so sorry.

Don't worry about your children. They will be fine. The work of years isn't erased ina month or two of bad examples.

Someday your neice may t hank you for the tiny window you gave her into a different world than the one where she lives. Maybe prayers will be answered and the seeds you planted will wait quietly and patiently for a chance to grow.

Hugs, Sunny

sanity? never heard of it. what exactly is sanity? snorfle, jeanne

On Mon, 16 Jul 2007 12:44:39 -0500, off kilter snipped-for-privacy@somwherequiet.net wrote (in article ):

(((HUGS)))

Maureen

YES! I think you have it right there! :-( I can't even count the number of nice, brand-new clothes my mother took away from me after I'd visited my maternal grandparents. The clothes went into a "mending basket" because they were "funny looking" even though there was never anything *wrong* with them. If I'd taken them out of the basket and worn them anyway, my mother would have flown into a rage and hit me. Thankfully, she didn't have the nerve to do this with the clothing my grandmama *made* me. I think it was a combination of those items being "homemade" (and therefore not so nice) and the fact that her mother (my grandmama) would have asked me if I was wearing them.

HUGS, Larissa. You and your husband tried to do something really kind for a child. It's totally not y'alls fault that the girl's family situation is so messed-up.

Erin

Erin

... at least in the back of her mind, your niece will likely remember the "safe haven" at your house - even IF the rules were strict and the boundaries tough and consistent! Sounds like she's been put through her own private He&& by her parents. Kids need guidance (which should come from parents - but in too many cases, sadly this is not the case!) Down the road she may desperately want to contact you - so keep her in your prayers. Kids need encouragement and boundaries, and you did your very best to provide them for her. I don't think she'll forget it. Hugs and prayers are on their way. ME-Judy

"off kilter snipped-for-privacy@somwherequiet.net" wrote in message news: snipped-for-privacy@o61g2000hsh.googlegroups.com...

many many hugs, your story has brought me near to tears.

Who knows how kids minds work, my daughter (aged 47) tells me now that she used to cry because she thought I made her clothes because we were too poor to buy them. Now she knows different, she realises they were far superior to store-bought because they were made with love and not money!

Please dont hold it against your neice, she didn't bring herself up, her parents are at the source of this hurtful behavoiur;you will never change them. She is still so very young and there is so much time for her to improve and go on to fine things, hopefully with the memories of her stay with you to spur her on.

Joan in Coventry UK

Hello Larisa,

The best thing to do with these items is to pack them into a good clean box and write the name of the niece in large letters. Then take a picture and email her the picture. She should have that much safe space in your house if you can do this for her. She desperately needs to know that you understand why the stuff was left behind.

My guess is your niece has absolutely no way to have anything of her own in the house she lives in. No, it's not "home" when they treat you like permanent boot camp. And that's exactly why she has all those bad behaviours, and as long as she has to go back to that place, she can't let go of them. God willing, she will leave all that garbage behind when she moves out as an adult.

Your kids are safe--it would do more harm than good to do anything until you actually see bad behaviours, and the only response then would be to say "no way Jose" and correct them without mentioning their cousin.

And I have learned from hard experience that when one sibling decides that the history of family abuse has to end, they are usually on their own, and believe me, the occasional loneliness is so much better than the abuse. One of my brothers actually went so far as to teach his 3 year old to call me up and abuse me on the phone, and that was the last time I had anything to do with him 14 years ago. And I suspect that his wife was never told about the known generations of abuse repeating itself over and over.

The monsters that are raising your niece don't want her to be influenced by decent people like you, and don't be surprised if she gets shoved into an early marriage (unless she runs away). I was able to run, thank God.

Irene in Toronto