OT What am I going to do with her?

I think the point is more they don't want to find her home perhaps?

My mom used to drive 60 miles and spend a couple days at my house and then call my sister (5 minutes from my house) and say hi that she had been in town. It was sad but they had a terrible relationship. They each seemed to go out of their way to be antagonistic to each other. I had no control over either and was in the middle way too often. It was a sad thing. I don't know the situation nightmist is dealing with but I bet her mama isn't changing at this point in her life. You can't change people only the way you handle the effect they have on you. Taria

KJ wrote:

how about keeping a small suitcase or two all packed and handy. when they show up unannounced, grab the cases as you lock the door behind you and tell them you've got plans already and you're off for a few days with friends out of town. you'd planned this visit with them well in advance and wont be missing this. sorry folks!! maybe another time when we can 'plan a visit in advance'. that ought to get the point across.

my sister years ago showed up on my doorstep with her two young kids in tow asking if mom could look after them for a few days while she went up to Lake Tahoe with her friend (who was waiting in the car). as it was my house (mom lived with me) I told my sister, no, sorry, it isnt convenient now. had you bothered callling before driving 400 miles up from LA you'd of known that. so you'll have to take the kids with you, i'm sure they'd love to see Lake Tahoe. :-D she left mad as a hatter but i stood my ground. i knew mom also wasnt happy when she showed up with no advance notice at all thinking as she'd driven so far we couldnt refuse her. she never did that again. :) j.

"NightMist" wrote...

This year I decided to be proactive about my parents visiting. As soon as the snow was off the ground, I got in touch and asked if they were coming to visit. I skillfully manuvered my way through a course of emails, offering assistance where it seemed I could be useful. After months of this dance, my mom emailed me in early September telling me that they were not going to make it out this year.

So this afternoon she calls me and tells me they have been in town for a week and she wants to know if I can do lunch tommorow.

It is not as if they just decide to drive over and see if we are home. They live 1500 miles away, and usually take a plane then rent a car and drive here from Cleveland.

I have no idea what to do with them. I suppose I should feel lucky that she called at all instead of just showing up on the doorstep as usual. I have talked to my mom about this nonsense repeatedly. I at least have her to the point where she usually lets me know if somebody dies. Even so, last time she didn't tell me that my uncle had died until after my dad got home from the funeral. Whereupon she also told me that dad had stopped by our house but we weren't home. And it never occured to anybody to call?

NightMist

I'm with you, Cindy. One day years ago when I was heavily pregnant with our first child and working full-time, I came home from work exhausted. I put a sign on the front door saying, "Tired, grouchy pregnant woman napping -- please do not disturb." I started to take a nap, and the doorbell rang. It was MIL, who just "knew" I didn't mean the sign to apply to her. What can you do? Not a blasted thing.

My two DDs stop by with no advance notice, and I wish they'd just call before they arrive, but they don't. Of course, I love the chance to visit with the grandchildren, but sometimes I'm in the middle of something or about to go out. I guess I should be glad that they've sort of got the idea now that ringing the doorbell might be a good idea, instead of simply walking in (they have the code to the garage door, as well as keys to the front door, in case of emergency).

NightMist wrote:

That's sad, if they genuinely wanted to see you and dropped in on the off chance because they happened to be in town, say, for something like an event in a branch of the family that you weren't part of, then you'd think they'd be sorry they missed you and try and arrange something within the next few months. If they don't want to see you, then that's a bad situation and very sad for you, but if you can accept the reality of why they behave like this, you might be able to deal with the consequences better.

Dropping in, even at long distance does occassionally happen, but if it's regular it's hard to believe there isn't more to it than that. I remember, last year my DH visited my parents and other friends very randomly with little warning, we live on the west coast of the US, they live in the UK, about 5000 miles away. What happened was my husband's grandfather died, his company kindly arranged flights for him and it turned out he got there early Saturday morning for a funeral on Monday afternoon and this was confirmed within 12 hours or so of him leaving, so he literally didn't have the chance to arrange anything. When he arrived in the UK, he hired a car and decided to drive to Cambridge, where we lived before we moved here and then called people when he stopped for a break. My parents happened to be away for the weekend, but I'd sent him with some stuff with them on the off chance as they are twenty minutes away from the airport and I don't think we managed to contact them until Sunday evening when we were crossing our fingers they could put him up on Monday evening! He'd have got a hotel near the airport if they hadn't, but it didn't make sense to not see them out of some kind of mock politeness, there was a genuine reason for the complete lack of planning. But that kind of thing doesn't happen every year, or at least not if you don't have to travel for business. DH rarely does, but he happens to be away just now, I know his plans already changed as he had to change airlines, so it wouldn't be surprising if there were some spontaneous visits happening over the next few days, they will be friends not relatives, but that wouldn't change his ability to plan ahead, he only found out his schedule on Friday!

Cheers Anne

I don't like drop ins. I want to be able to offer coffee/tea/soda and sandwich/cookies/pie, and I need advance notice to be able do that. We don't keep a lot of food stuffs on hand, we shop weekly, because we tend to eat it if it's in the house! Poor self control, we know it!

We always offer advance warning when we will be in some ones area, they can ask us in or say pass us buy. We even call SOs Mom when we are about 30 minutes from her condo, she knows that we are coming but we give her the update so that she can finish whatever she is doing. She's 87 and slowing down, her hands don't work very well, she says that it's some sort of neuropathy.

Bonnie, in Middletown, VA