OT homeless

HI Tammie,

Listen to your heart, it may be just the thing this family needs.

However, to be "Judge Judy" get everything in writing before they move in. How much will they give you towards heat, hot water, electrical, cable, etc. even if it is a $1 get it in writing. Once they start to get on their feet increase it to $2 and such. Also get them in touch with a credit counselling agency as part of the deal that they must meet with a counselor once or twice a week to work on their bills. They must get a pay as you go cell phone for their own calls as I have no doubt you don't want their creditors coming after you or harrassing your telephone line. etc.

Remember they are friends, not family. You must use tough love on them. You are giving them a safe haven not a reason to be even more loosy goosy with their money. You are not a door mat and set up tough boundaries.

I know what it is like to be almost homeless, I moved it with my inLaws as financial difficulties made it IMPOSSIBLE to move anywhere else (kind of a cruel catch-22 here in NY; must be able to pass a credit check, give 2 months rent in security, etc--if we don't have the money for the rent in the first place how the heck can we come up with 2 months rent plus the current months rent to move. LOL)

Kate

Tammie, you definitely fit into our group here - got a case of BHS (Big Heart Syndrome).

I have been in that position a time or two. You hit the nail on the head though, IF THEY STAY too long. You may want to think about getting some sort of pre agreement with them or collateral, like the title to the car or furniture. That will cover you in the case they cause damage, dump on you a ton of EXTRA expense and heavens forbid, steal from you or you end up having to take them to small claims court to throw them out.

I also have to say and agree whole heartily with the ole saying, you can live with friends but not family! I have been there and done that a couple times - NOT AGAIN!

Best wishes and my thoughts and prayers are for you and them.

((HUGS!!))

OKC Dave

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I think your heart is in the right place, but make sure your head is too. Make sure you get input from the other members of your family, make sure they're on board with you. And definitely, definitely, get IN WRITING agreements from the other family about what expenses they will cover, and any sort of ground rules you have for your household. If you see they're making no effort to get out on their own, set a time limit and stick to it.

Do your family and friends think you're nuts to let anyone live with you, or just these particular people?

I have had family and friends stay with me throughout almost all of my adult life, right now we have an 11 year old that is staying here for the school year. Someone else mentioned it and I can't stress it strongly enough....you will be giving up your privacy and after a month or two you will long for the days when it was just your family again.

Others have stressed ground rules on money, length of stay etc. I was never annoyed with the inability to pay their way or even the added expenses that my family was burdened with, mainly I resented those who took a what's mine is mine and what is your's is mine attitude and just took my personal stuff or borrowed my things without asking. Since you indicted that they have a teenager it is very important that you make it clear that certain rooms like your bedroom and personal things belonging to others are off limits to save alot of aggravation later on.

Humans tend to live up to what you expect of them. Be clear from the getgo with your friends, especially the wife. Let her know what chores you expect of her and when you expect things like quiet at night so your family can still keep up with your normal sleep habits. Make sure that she understands that things like the kitchen aren't open all night long. Let her know when the laundry room is open for her use. In fact, you might want to make things like that plain by making up a schedule so that if you are used to doing your laundry on Tuesday, your schedule isn't disrupted. With two families living there, you could get a little frustrated if you have to live around her schedule rather than her around yours,

You could also make it more of a FUN approach by having each family in charge of cooking and cleaning up the kitchen for both families on different nights. That way you can each get a night off from the chores every other day. If you have two baths in your house, you might also want to give them one and keep one for yourself. That way if they are messier, it's not something you have to cope with.

Just a few things to consider, since these are not guest per say and you don't know when they are leaving. I'd also tell them that you expect them out by X date. Make it something realistic that you can BOTH live with!

Good luck, M-C

No, I don't think you're crazy. As long as they don't take advantage of you. Make sure you charge them rent and for groceries. This shouldn't be a burden on you. Then point them in the direction of a financial advisor to help them get their finances in order so they can get their debt down. Calgary has 5500 homeless right now, and a good 700 - 800 find themselves sleeping outside or in their cars because our shelters are filled to capacity. I do wonder though, do your friends have family in town and if so, why won't they offer to take in their own family members? Anyways, put the living arrangements in writing. Housework should be shared 50-50 as well. You are not there to serve them. You're helping them out so they can help out too.

My older son and a male friend of his who had just returned from Florida and also had no place to live moved back home for a while a couple of years after he (my son) had left home for the first time. In between those times we moved to a different house so he never lived in this house with us before. The basement has an outside entrance in addition to the one to the upstairs. As I run a daycare we had to have some ground rules...no smoking or drinking in the house or on the grounds (they walked down to the end of the drive and sat on the wall to smoke); as they both worked, noise during the day was not an issue, and they had to keep it down so as not to cause a problem in the evening; the upstairs was off limits until daycare closed (they got home from work before I closed); I had to have a criminal history check and drug test on file as well as a tb test for my licensing requirements; they ate with us unless they ate out, but had to wait to use the shower, etc... until were done and had gone on upstairs to bed - I still had three younger children in the house and did not want to disturb their routine; they each paid a stipen for the room and board and did their own laundry. It worked well for the year they were under foot - my son's friend ended up going back to construction in Florida and my son went back to school, got a different job and bought a house of his own. I do know one thing, I would also add to the list of concerns - we had lightening strike our house and the friend had a computer that was struck. Insurance arguments! I would have them understand that you are not responsible for damages to any of their possessions or person due to any reasons.... I really don't know how having friends move in as apposed to relatives. Sandy

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