OT: What's wrong with me?

Cec, I can see how hard this is for you. Does she have to voluntarily sign the papers? Who has the final say where he goes? The court or the department? Not knowing what your social service system is like there.....even here it is so different state to state. Here the system can place a child in foster care with a relative even if the parents object - if the system feels the child is better off there rather in other placement. Does she not realize the longer he is involved it the system the harder it is to 'get him back'. How can your Mum say that independent foster care givers are not emotionally involved. No one can care for a child on a daily basis without becoming emotionally involved. I worked for 10 years as an Intensive Parent Aide on contract with the social services here. My job was to go into the home and work with parents who had either already lost their child into the system or were in danger of losing their child. I worked with abusive and neglectful parents daily. I also worked with the foster parents who had the children. I worked with some foster parents who tried their hardest to "keep" the children they were caring for - even to the point they would actively sabotage any efforts for reunification. I'm not saying all foster parents are like that, but there are some out there who get involved for the wrong reasons. Some who feel they know what is best regardless of what the system decides. Some who come to love the child so much they have a hard time letting go. DH and I had guardianship of my younger sister's DS for almost 4 years while she was getting her life back together. If he had been in the social system here for that long with foster parents instead of family her parental rights would have been terminated. We had our oldest two and he was their age when he came to live with us. It was difficult. Many times I said enough, but somehow we managed to get past the initial hurtles. It was so hard to change our lifestyles and for our own two to make room for their cousin and share their parents, home and lives. After the first year we managed to turn into a working family again. Then when my sister finally managed to get things together - job, home, and a more stable lifestyle it was time for him to go home. We were devastated. It was like tearing one of our own children away from us. My own children's ( by then we'd had our third) lives fell apart. School work suffered. The loss was deep. We still hang his ornaments on our Christmas tree every year. Our albums are full of his pictures. He told us not long ago (he's 32 yrs old now with a son of his own) that the years he spent with us were the most memorable and stable he ever knew. Hang in there. Search your heart and go with what it tells you to do. Stand your ground which ever way you decide and know that you did what was best for all involved. Hugs and prayers, Sandy

"Cec" wrote in message news:43cf0f19$0$16851$ snipped-for-privacy@news.optusnet.com.au...

We were on what they call a "temp care agreement" which expired before xmas, so technically there are no orders in place at the moment. Basically the department are advocating that he stays with us as it is a much more stable and secure environment for him. The department is in the process of taking the matter to court anyhow, regardless, even though she has not signed the papers. I know that my mum doesn't mean that he is better off with another family, she was frustrated at the time, and I too was very hurt and angry. I am just so sick of the constant changes... every time she (my sister) changes plans, it is me that has to pass the information on him, therefore he thinks I am the one constantly disappointing him. He is at his mums now for the weekend, and I worry the whole time he is away. It breaks my heart to see him struggling so much, he has been through so much already in his short life. I know that he is better here, where he has a good strong support system. I am so family orientated and this constant bickering is really hurting me. Even though, I know that it would not be any better (between my sister and I) should DH and I decide to give up. I don't want to give up! Gosh, I'm sounding like a mad woman! LOL. I'm glad that you understand where I'm coming from Sandy, it makes me feel that I'm not so crazy afterall. Thanks for your reply, and for sharing so much of your history with me. I'm hoping that this is just a bad patch and we will overcome it. There have been many hurtles this past year... this is just another one I have to manage. Your prayers are appreciated. luv Cec...xxx

"Sandy" wrote in message news:u9Fzf.16919$Zo.4701@trnddc07...

guardianship

Cec...firstly let me say that you have shown us you are a caring person with a great heart......so there is nothing wrong with you. You are just feeling maxed out by all the uncertainty!!!!! I can understand your pain and anguish that things don't seem to be plain sailing....as you initially thought they would but I think if you take a step back you may be able to look at the situation differently. We have had a similar situation in our family involving my parents (ended up legal guardians) and grandkids (children of my youngest brother) and it can be emotionally trying at times but you have to stay positive that things will work out in the best interest of your foster son. He is what matters in all of this and he needs a calm, secure, loving environment where he can feel comfortable and at home. Kids are very perceptive and he is old enough to pick up on all the bad vibes and needs a Mum who is always going to be there....no matter what!

Don't be hard on your Mum in this....she is emotionally wrung out and may feel caught in the middle between two of HER children....as well as worrying about the future for her GS. She may also be feeling that no matter what happens she will lose the love of one of her children if a court decides :( I can't remember why you ended up taking on the little boy but I can remember he hadn't had a very good start in life because his Mum couldn't cope! It can be tough being a Mum......birth, foster, adoptive, whatever :o) Ask yourself this.....if you had been in a different frame of mind would you have taken Mum's statement in a negative way? What matters here is what is best for this little boy and having your Mum as a support mechanism is a big plus! I don't think that she questioning your caring abilities...perhaps just thinking out loud!!!

I have read Sandy's reply and she has great understanding of these sort of situations. In every country the social services are different but I believe the general concensus is that a child is much better cared for within a family....if that is at all possible. Hang on to that thought and kick the anger and bitterness into touch :o) Now go pound some eyelets GF :o)

Thanks Marilyn, I know you are right... things just completely got on top of me today, and I guess I just exploded! I am looking at things a lot clearer now, and I just have to hope that things will work out for the best in the end. I am not angry at my mum, I know this is really difficult for her too. I'm a lot calmer now than I was earlier, and I've had time to think about things from a different angle. There is no way that the hurt will disappear, it really stinks that this little boy has been through so much and that I feel helpless. I did think that everything was going to work out amicably, but it seems that is not going to be the case. Sometimes I think that I AM too close to the situation, yet, I firmly believe that we have done and will continue to do great things for this little boy, and provide a safe and happy environment for him to learn and develop. I have some "free time" over the next couple of days to ponder.... you know I haven't had an eyelet out in ages... that might be a good thing! Thanks for your support and kindness, luv Cec...xxx

guardianship

No prob Cec.....and just keep it in mind that this is about the little chap :o) Adults can deal with whatever comes there way...their grown ups. Children end up being affected by it all unless they get clear, positive signals from those who love and care for them! If you need to email privately...feel free using marbolyn AT blueyonder DOT co DOT uk. Now get pounding...I want to hear that hammer ring over here in Scotland LOLOL

Hi There, hang in there. We will pray for you. We had a 2 brothers in foster care a few years back. 4 and 5. We loved them to bits. We did not get any help from the social worker. We could not handle it any more after 2 years. We asked that they go back to the "safe house". We knew the couple. Who were older and had children already. We do not have children. I can not conceive. And I am to "old" to adopt. 44. It was hard breaking and the cause of tears for months before and after they left. Shortly afterwards they went back to their father. Who only wanted them back to spite the mother. And the stepmom hated them from the get go. To this day we miss them and love them. What I am trying to say, is there is no easy way for this. You love the kid and want to do what is best. Always know and keep that in your heart. All the best Jo

You have such a giving heart to be caring for him, so you're not going crazy. :-) You love him, and want what's best for him. (Personally, from what you've said, it sounds like he's much better off with you and your DH, but I don't think the department would let me make the decision.) You obviously love him, give him a stable environment, and the support he needs. Just hang in there, and do what your heart tells you to do. No matter what, just keep loving him. *BIG hugs*

I am so sorry for what you are going through! Above all love the boy! Let him no that you are their no matter what happens! This will be a very hard time for all involved and that bites but you need to believe that God will work it out for the best! My thoughts and prayers are with you all! (((HUGS)))Barb:o)

There is nothing wrong with you. You are a very loving Aunt, daughter, and wife and sometimes it's gets overwhelming. I'm glad you were able to vent. Now take a deep breath. Feel free to talk to us any time.

Lynne

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Cec}}}}}}}}}}

Sorry this situation is tearing you apart. :*(

Unfortunately, IMO, aside from taking her to court and having her parental rights revoked and the guardianship/adoption given to you, it will take a miracle here...BUT I believe in miracles, and I will say prayers that God does give you a miracle here.

Perhaps you all could have some sort of intervention and threaten that very thing? Or would she do something drastic and 'steal him away'? Could you NOT release him to her care, and only let her have supervised visits with him? If she called the police, would you be able to prove that she is an unfit mother for him? CPS could be called in, but they might keep him not only from her, but YOU for enabling her to treat him in inappropriate ways by letting him stay with her.

I'm sorry about this whole thing. It sounds very dicey for you.

Hang in there.

Carolyne in TX

Thanks for your kindness Jo. I do love him and want what's best for him. luv Cec...xxx

Thanks Deb, The department want him to stay with DH and I too, they're just taking their time getting the orders through court, it's the "in the meantime" with no orders in place that my sister can come in and out whenever she likes and doesn't care how much of a disruption this causes. I wouldn't mind so much if I knew she was looking after him, but 2 nights last week proved that she has not changed at all. Now he is there for the weekend. I need to hold off on my decision, I know, and trust that the department will come through for us. luv Cec...xxx

guardianship

Thanks Barb, Prayers are welcome relief :) luv Cec...xxx

guardianship

Cec, My heart is crying for you and your family. I've never been in such a situation so I don't have any advice for you. I do know that it only hurts because you love so much. What you are doing is very special. I believe that your nephew will one day come to know just how lucky he is to have you in his life.

Sending a big hug your way. Take care!

-- Amy L.

Thanks Amy, I appreciate your kindness... I feel a better today, I was very emotional yesterday (I guess we all have our days don't we). I had some scrapping therapy this morning and I'm sure that helped my mood. We received some news today, and it would appear that we are closer to the outcome... unsure at this stage what that will be, but I will keep you all informed.

Marilyn, thanks for leaving the original post. Did not get that.

Cec - I'm praying for strength, calmness and above all - the best interest of that little boy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or how you are feeling. He looks like such a happy kid on the X'mas pictures you posted and I'm sure you will give him a warm and loving home. I have all the sympathy in the world with your situation. My DS is going through the same process at the molment, fostering the almost 2 year old daughter of her Brother in Law who is a drug addict. The court is giving the bio parents 2 years to rehabilitate themselves and only then can my sister apply for adoption. As of yet, the bio parents have contribute nothing - not even a phone call and Mikayla have been with my sis for over six months now.

Keep strong! There is no clear answers in a situation like this. Your heart will tell you what to do! *Hugz*

Thanks Judy, I am feeling ok, was having a BAD day the other day and I really needed to vent. We were served the papers last night, the department is taking it to court next monday, it's only a matter of time now before we know what will happen... Thankyou for your prayers, they are certainly very much appreciated.

I hope all works out for you. It sounds like you are the one providing him a strong base to face things. There is nothing wrong with you, you just have a big heart and care. I'm sure in his heart your nephew know what's going on. I'll keep you all in my thoughts for a resolution soon.

Teresa in MD