As most of you guys know, I am disabled with a bunch of problems, but the one that's making me fall apart right now is chronic pain. My doctors have all been playing "hot potato" with having to prescibe pain meds for me, because the laws in Massachusetts are so onerous to doctors who are considered to have overprescribed pain meds. (Pharmacies are required to rat out any doctor they suspect of overprescribing controlled substances)
The upshot is that I haven't had any pain meds for over a month, and my pain is getting worse by the day. I've looked over my recent postings, and I'm embarrassed to see the typos, misspellings and rambling sentences. I'm so out of it that my writing is nowhere near what it used to be. (Same with my speech and memory. Either I repeat the same story eight thousand times, or I forget it entirely)
Our furnace croaked today, and I was waiting for the repair guy. The doorbell rang, and I went to let the guy in. Turned out it wasn't the repair guy, who had let himself in earlier, repaired the furnace and left. It was the mailman, leaving a package. The effort of going downstairs had me so messed up that I had to crawl back upstairs, and it took me a good fifteen minutes to make it up 21 stairs.
I'm sure stress is a factor in this as well - the docs giving me hell because I want pain meds, and the self loathing I feel because I can't do even the simplest things can't be good for me. Now I am getting daily letters from the disability insurance people telling me that I need to return to work, and reimburse them for money they gave me in the past. (I'd be glad to reimburse them if I actually could work. I dream about being able to work.)
I must look like hell too; Manda came in from school, took one look at me, and said, "Let's call 911." I talked her out of that, because I'm going into the hospital tomorrow anyway. The pain doc wants do something else to relieve the back pain, heaven only knows what.
This is ungodly long, and I'm about to cry from sitting upright anyway. If you guys have any vibes to spare, I'd really appreciate it. Fortunately, Bob is making good money, so we don't have to worry about that, even if the disability people shut me off permanently. The suckiest part is that I have no idea how much longer I can live with the pain. If it wasn't for my family, there's no way I'd keep fighting. The four days of labor I had with Manda seems like a walk in the park compared to this.
Thanks for listening to me whine, bitch and moan. I appreciate it.
Kathy N-V