OFF TOPIC - advice needed

Well, she went with the henley - buttoned, little gold heart earrings and her hair up in a clip (we'll see how long that lasts). Her but nicer than usual.

In general, that's true. But sometimes the easiest thing to do is "conform" and I want to discourage that.

Cheryl

It works the other way around as well--some kids get so locked into their "nonconformance" that even when they start longing to change a bit and step outside their self- imposed persona, they're too afraid to make the change. It's a bit of a catch-22 for the parents. I'm sure she's had your support all along for not being girly, but some kids then interpret that as your having a *preference* for her not to be girly, at which point she may be nervous about disappointing you or feeling like there's something wrong with her being girly all of a sudden. Or maybe it is just a matter of feeling external pressure to be something she doesn't really want to be ;-) You never can tell for sure. I just try to downplay it all and send the message that it's not what's being worn that's important either way (within certain limits, of course ;-) ). I'd actually feel a little more comfortable with a child who experimented a bit with different looks.

Best wishes, Ericka

We'll go shopping and she'll choose tops to try on, claim to love them, I think she looks good and off to school she goes. Next thing you know, the clothes are hidden in the back of the closet or "it's too small". But she'll wear one of her t-shirts until I take it away. (stains that won't come out or too small)

I won't allow certain things - "character" shirts (like Bobby Jack, the monkey) because the quality stinks and price tag is too much. And frankly, I think those tops send the wrong message. Anything that is cropped or low cut is out; especially since she won't wear a cami under. Leggings are out as I think they make 90% females wearing them look like a s**nk.

She does play with her earrings or how she's wearing her pony tail - different or multiple scrunchies.

Do you think she's changing her mind? Or do you think she's getting a reaction at school that causes her to back down from wearing the new clothes? Is she getting teased for dressing "out of character," or does she get attention from boys that she's not comfortable with when she wears something more feminine or form-fitting (even if not tight or low cut)? Adolescence is such a morass of feelings, and it's not unusual for girls to walk the tightrope between wanting to be noticed for their femininity and simultaneously being afraid to be noticed for it! ;-) Not that I'm suggesting that you ought to push her towards more girly clothes--just suggesting that her about faces may be something one just has to live with as she figures out how to handle this sort of thing comfortably.

Best wishes, Ericka

She loves to shine for "real" reasons - good grades, scoring goals, singing with chorus. It's the phony ones that drive her nuts. At 10, hopefully boys aren't noticing her. Besides, I want who she is to shine out, not what she looks like

I hate wasting money on clothes that she won't wear. Drives me nuts, especially since it isn't not only the money but the time and effort spent shopping. (if you can't tell, we both hate to shop for clothes. I could be model slim and gorgeous and I'd still hate it.)

Hopefully, this is the end of it and she decides, peer pressure aside, (or more likely phony friend pressure aside) she's dress how she wants and is comfortable.

Well, a pretty girl is also a real part of what she is, even if it's not the sum total of what she is. And while the boys may not be all that clued in at 10 (though some definitely are), many of the girls by that stage are very much playing around with those sorts of ideas and discussing them amongst themselves. It's an awkward transition, but this is about when it starts to rear its head in the social milieu. I wouldn't be surprised if it's having some effect.

I hear you--it's not on my list of favorite things either, nor am I any sort of fan of spending money unnecessarily! It's just been my experience that adolescence is full of these sorts of things, and while you want to encourage her to think carefully about not wasting time and money, you also don't want to lock her into your understanding of who she is now by not allowing a little experimentation now and then, even if some of the experiments fail (and make you want to tear your hair out ;-). I try to put limits on it (not too often, not things that are terribly expensive or require big commitments of time or energy), but allow some of it to happen. And just as a personal opinion, I'd be careful that she doesn't get the impression that you disparage the girly stuff. It's silly stuff, sure, and bad when it goes overboard, but in all likelihood she feels a little bit of it and you don't want her to look at those newfound feelings and see them as bad or distasteful. You just don't want her carried away with them, which is probably unlikely as she sounds like a girl with a good head on her shoulders.

My only point is that this may not be so black and white as an issue of peers pressuring her into being something she isn't. It may also be a reflection of her inner struggle to come to terms with who *she* is, which might include a pretty girl who wants to look pretty for boys (sometimes, someday, maybe, if they ever stop being gross and such jerks) in addition to someone who's smart and talented and strong and all those other things we want our daughters to be. I think our daughters are best off in the end if they can keep the girly stuff in perspective, but still own that part of themselves comfortably.

Best wishes, Ericka

Not really disagreeing, but being beautiful isn't really about what you are wearing. I have seen kids look absolutely transformed while singing in a chorus, rapt with the music they are making. I go to lots of soccer and basketball games, and a girl with flushed cheeks and glowing eyes running down field or down court can look beautiful too. And girls who look beautiful in "girly" clothes too. And IMHO, most 10 year old, when they are engaged in something and having a good time, are good to look at.

Kids try on lots of things, lots of personalities, and I agree with Erica that as a mum you should try not to pick sides, so they come out the other side of being adolescents on the way to being who they are meant to be.

I am of a different generation, and raised my kids as far away as I could from stereotypes of what girls or boys ought to wear. No pink or blue baby things, no little bows taped on her head. My son seems to have been born conservative, my daughter classic after a phase of shaved head and pajamas at school (still has the tattoos and piercings, and I was fine with those, just as I was fine with my son not doing that). They both turned out presentable. Hang in there Cheryl, it works out.

Dawne

Me too. There are a couple of girls in her class that I would prefer not to be around. One's been "dating" since 2nd grade and the whole popular crew seems to have landed in the same room.

I do wish when the school run the ever popular "anti bullying " programs, they'd include a section on the "false friends" girls.

Cheryl

Hopefully you let her wear whatever. As a "lifelong" tomboy, I still had my look like a girl moments when young. And, can still remember as a 30 something - saying " Think of us as guys who wear make-up" - while out having liquid replenishment with some hockey guys. My then closest friend, and fellow hockey player, was the object of much attention from one of our pals (a retired NHLer, qutie the ladies man - who I'm still friends with). Anyhow, he just couldn't get it that we "looked like girls" off the ice - when we did the make-up, cuter clothes thing. And after some tiresome pass-making that just wasn't going anyplace - including trying to convince us to barter "favors" for some gear we finally said "You just don't get it. You have to think of us like the guys. Just think of us as guys who wear make-up!" That seemed to work.

Tomboys can still dress like "girls" - seriuosly - even at age 10. Maybe she just wanted to fit in, or show she could rise to the challenge.

Ellice

With in limits - I out lined the biggest ones earlier.

I can not get past the feeling she was being coerced into the "girly" stuff.

But peer pressure is something we all have to learn to deal with, too. And not simply rejecting what our peers want is actually a good strategy. If she girlies up and decides she doesn't like it, then she can tell whoever it was that she at least tried it.

Elizabeth

Well, and don't we all know at least one person who's the "anti-popular" person--someone who reflexively rejects anything that is popular just because it's popular, under the theory that if everyone else does it, it must not be worth doing? That's just as "bad" as going along with something because everyone else is doing it. It's as easy for kids to become pigeon-holed as "the brain" or "the jock" as it is for them to become pigeon-holed as "Miss Popularity" or "Queen Bee." The hard thing is to have the strength of character to be who you want to be, and the courage to do what you want and what you feel is right, even when it has you stepping outside others' perceptions of you, and even when the thing others have pigeon-holed you as is not necessarily a bad thing. A girl who's afraid to be girly because she's supposed to be "the brain" or "the jock" is succumbing to peer pressure just as much as the girl who's afraid to be smart because girls aren't smart, or the girl who dresses a certain way because she wants to be liked by the popular kids.

I think mom instincts are often good, and if mom thinks that daughter is being pressured into trying clothes daughter really doesn't want to try, then maybe that's really what's going on. On the other hand, we moms all have our blind spots, and it's easy for this to be one of them. We relax because our daughters seem to be sensible and to have avoided buying into what we know can be a poisonous milieu of provocative clothing and precocious relationships, and it can be very threatening to see any potential for that to change on the cusp of puberty! It seems a lot safer for them to stick with being a tomboy ;-)

Best wishes, Ericka

She clearly felt uneasy with it, she's tried more girly clothes before and rarely wears them more than once or twice. It is not her right now.

If what was someone that was actually her friend "suggesting" this, I'd have not felt so uneasy about it.

Cheryl

That last part is right on the money - yes, having a tom boy seems a whole lot safer right now. And she is the brainy jock right now....

And I'll bet, with the beginnings of puberty, she feels safer in the "boy clothes".

Now, does any one know how to convince her it's time for a bralet/cami - something....'cause she's "budding".

Cheryl

Maybe her sudden interest in girlie clothes is her way of convincing herself that like it or not she's growing up and out? It's scary.

Lucille

Might be...

It is interesting to note that even though she was the only person (other than Mom) in the locker yesterday AM, that since the stall door was off, she wanted to run all the way down to the Ladies Room (opposite end of the rink) to put on her cup and underarmour.... I convinced her that I would guard the door while she changed.

Cheryl

Man, good luck with that one! The moms I know seem to have fallen into two camps: the ones who get off easy because they suggest it's time and daughter agrees, and the ones who are ripping their rapidly greying hairs out because daughter is adamantly opposed! ;-)

Best wishes, Ericka

It's always interesting at dance. It seems like a group always hits puberty at about the same time, and all of a sudden they get shy about changing (a definite liability at dance, where there's not a lot of privacy to go around) and they start not wanting to ditch the warmups in class. Since the rule is no warmups after the first few minutes of class, there's usually some sort of meltdown, after which the teachers clue in that that there's a reason they don't want to be dancing just in a leotard, and then they usually get a little leeway until the group settles down. It is a hard transition for them to get over being uncomfortable changing (whether it's in the dressing room or in the wings for a quick change).

Best wishes, Ericka

The grays are flying.

I've enlisted Dad's help