OT: Two Minute Seder

K

Karen C in California 18 years ago

(The Cantor sends this along ... and he's coming up here to clean my monitor if he knows what's good for him.)

The Two-Minute Haggadah.

A Passover service for the impatient.

By Michael Rubiner Posted Tuesday, April 11, 2006, at 1:25 PM ET

Illustration by Mark Alan Stamaty. Click image to expand.

Opening prayers:

Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)

Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.

Four questions:

What's up with the matzoh?
What's the deal with horseradish?
What's with the dipping of the herbs?
What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:

When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
Life was bitter, like horseradish.
It's called symbolism.
Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (/Heat soup now./)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them: Wise child---explain Passover. Simple child---explain Passover slowly. Silent child---explain Passover loudly. Wicked child---browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (/Let brisket cool now./)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice---you name it.

The singing of "Dayenu": If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would've been enough.

If he'd parted the Red Sea---(/Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now./)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

*SERVE MEAL.*

Vote

E

ellice 18 years ago

OK - pretty funny. Having just had 2 nights of seders that were definitely longer. When I was a young child, my grandfather ('cause his dad did this) would stop the seder and start over if the kids interrupted. Until one memorable 3+ hour service, after which family lore has it that the young mothers (my mom - the DIL, my aunt - the DD, and my great-aunt put their feet down about this being ridiculous. After that - it got better. I do recall my dad threatening same at some very large seder when we were living in Miami - with about 40 people there. And then, there was the time my DB drank too much of the Passover sweet wine - and got tanked. I had to take him out to the patio, ensure he didn't go for a swim. Evenutally, the folks had him just go to his room to sleep - and then from beyond - his voice warbling the ballad of "Sam the Matzoh Ball." To this day, we still remind each other of that - it was hysterical, and he remembers it. In our seders here in DC - the guys have the lyrics to "Pesach Time" - a suggested song in our Haggadahs - but we have our own alternative- sung to the tund of "Summertime" - Pesach Time, and the matzoh is FLAT - a brief song. Dayeinu

- that's another story.

Ellice - who's bringing Matzoh to the CAPS game so I can nervously snack (no pretzels allowed). Nothing like a Game 7 in the Stanley Cup Play-offs!

On 4/22/08 9:58 AM, "Karen C in California" wrote:

Vote