Hug quilt discussion

I had said I was going to stay out of this, but I have a few questions about this whole thread. LIke Karen, you are not in charge of the hug list anymore so why are you bringing this up?

As for the expense, Leslie I think it's in bad taste that you sit here and rant about the cost of the hug you hosted for MANY reasons. Most of all it makes the recepient feel bad. There were so many bad feelings around the hug you hosted mostly caused by you and your constan, need for attention and drama. I had asked to not be associated because of your drama needs, but for the record, I donated my time, thread, batting and services for the last hug. Donations were used for postage only. I do know squares were accepted and NOT used, money was sent back to Leslie and that she should have EASILY covered her expenses.

As for who should get one, maybe the person in charge of the hug list should step up and head up this discussion so it can be productive.

Jan RCTQ Coffee Diva

I'm sorry ... and I realize that I don't really know who I'm speaking to (for all I know, you could have invented the HUG quilt!), but I really didn't see Leslie ranting about anything - except *perhaps* that there are those out there who would scheme to get a quilt under false pretenses.

That being said, could you please cite where Leslie ranted? My NG client doesn't always pick up messages. I've never heard Leslie rant before, so I'd be interested in seeing what it's like!

-- Connie :)

I'm not really voting one way or the other. I'm more thinking out loud here, musing on the theme, saying what comes to mind.

Many years ago when I was in college and in a more dramatic stage of my life, I trusted someone who took advantage of me. I'd thought I had a friend, did a number of favors as is normal in a friendship, didn't realize I was doing all the giving, asked for something small at one point, and was refused. The one-sided nature of the relationship hit me all at once. I was sputtering mad. His answer was cool. "You didn't want to do those favors, pick up those checks, invite me over, take up the slack? There was a price tag attached all that time? You were only doing those things because you wanted something from me later, something you never thought to mention? There was a contract only you knew I'd signed? Because now you're accusing me of reneging on a deal only you knew I'd agreed to. I had no knowledge of it."

I was sure he had it wrong. I was bitter. I vowed I'd never again do anything for anyone. I figured my life was over and that I could never trust anyone ever again. (Am I doing a good job of painting the picture of how melodramatic a young woman in her early 20s can be?) I decided, any time anyone asks me for such much as a nickel, I'm going to ask myself how I'd feel if I never got it back. If I feel even one nickel's worth of resentment, that's it, I won't do the favor.

So I instituted my bitter, nasty rule of not doing anything for anyone, even a friend. I wouldn't smile at someone until I'd wondered what the other person could do for me in return. I asked myself my question right and left.

And then a funny thing happened. More and more, everytime I asked myself if I'd feel resentment if the favor wasn't returned, the answer was no. I realized that I didn't care if the favor was returned. I realized that I could give away nickels with a whole heart. Sometimes some people's company was worth doing the cooking and the driving and loaning and the cleaning and paying for the long distance. I'd say all my relationships now are one sided in one way or another, and I'm O.K. with that. On occasion I do feel twinges of doing too much; I do feel resentment lurking in the shadows, and when I do, I stop doing! That's it.

Thus with hug quilts. If I'm asked to make a block for someone I don't know and don't particularly feel deserves it, I generally make it anyway. That's because I enjoy playing with making single blocks in new-to-me color schemes. I don't think I'd want to put the time into assembling a top, basting, and quilting. I volunteered to do that once, put it off for a long time, and finally got it done. I feel bad about that. I was in communication with the person the hug was for, so it wasn't horrible for her, but it did hang on too long. That experience made me think twice before volunteering for such a thing in the future.

That said, have any of us ever thought about weird this whole thing is in the first place? What started as a nice pick-me-up for someone who's having a hard time, has turned into a competition to see who's had the worst illness, the most deaths in the family, the greatest hard-luck story. The hug quilt is no longer the physical embodiment of love and sympathy; it's a prize for suffering.

The finished quilts don't have resale value. You couldn't get big bucks for one in a gallery or retail outlet. I doubt they'd fetch much in a thrift shop. They're only worth what people want them to be worth.

That's why I'm careful about giving out my address. I want to make sure no one is able to pay me back for my contributions. I have tons of quilts here and fabric to make more quilts. I've started enclosing extra fabric along with my blocks just to get rid of it. That's fabric with no strings attached, fabric that the recipient can use (or not use) in any way she likes. (It's always pre-washed 100% cotton and the same quality I use in my own quilts.)

I guess I'm coming to the conclusion that it doesn't matter if someone gets a quilt she didn't suffer enough to earn. I know I hate to be lied to and taken advantage of. I know I'd rather live in a world where everyone was kind and honest, but having realized long ago that it ain't going to happen, I do the best I can with what I've got. So I'm not saying that we shouldn't be angry when we learn we've been scammed. It's always a shame when that happens, and it bothers me too, but we've got to put it in perspective. There will always be scammers. Each time we get scammed, we get a tiny bit better at recognizing scammers for the future. That doesn't mean we ever get great at it. We just get a little better. And that's life.

--Lia

The quilting was lovely and very well chosen for the subject matter of the hug quilt. Thank you for that as well as the batting, thread, binding and your time.

Leslie, Missy & The Furbabies in MO.

Every time I enter a hug block on my little list I see the blank spaces for the non-appearing hugs and it makes me feel so sad.

Your suggestion of a date for completion right at the beginning is such a sensible one, and eliminates the black hole syndrome. There haven't been any 'double requests' for some time, and I do feel these should be avoided, the making of one quilt is a big workload, but two is a recipe for disaster.

You didn't sound 'officious' at all - just very sensible. A gentle nudge might be all that is called for. When we are all so far apart we can't take the easy route of knocking on someone's door and actually seeing if they've got stuck in a hug make. If someone actually asked at a preset time if everything was ok, and it wasn't, everyone would be much happier knowing that an alternative could be sorted out. We are all grown-ups - we understand that sometimes life just does silly things we can't control.

Sally at the Seaside ~~~~~~~~~~ (uk)

Patti wrote:

piggybacking and adding my two pennies here. I've made many blocks for these and don't begrudge a single one, maybe some mixed feelings about the 'conned' quilts. That being said, I also wanted to thank everyone who sent me blocks for Connie and Cathy's quilts. They are sitting in a pile right now and as soon as I reclaim my quilting space from my DH who has his desk and other sundries in there (his computer room is awaiting grout for the new tile that was laid yesterday) I will work on finishing them. There was no specific date I intended to get these done by, but I don't want anyone to think I scammed a bunch of blocks either ;-) I feel very privileged to have received such an outpouring of love for my friend from 'strangers'. And I will put them together and post pics when I get them done. (Granted, the quilting might be a bit scary, but that's okay, I'll get it done.)

Jan -- I have not heard of any ranting or complaints about the costs incurred during the creation of any of the recent HUGs. I was not aware of any "drama" or "need for attention" by the HUG maker. If you had issues or concerns, you should have made them known to me... and this is the first I have heard from you that you had issues or concerns. It pains me to see such allegations made here in a public forum when you have brought NOTHING to my attention privately. If you or anyone has issues regarding a hug, a hug maker or the process, please take them up privately with the person -- and if you do not find satisfaction there, follow up with the Hug List coordinator -- who at this time is me. If you have/had issues or concerns, it is my opinion that such statements should have been brought to me (as current HUG LIST coordinator) privately and NOT brought forward to the list at large. If the Hug List Coordinator fails to be responsive -- then maybe the group at large needs to be involved.... or a new Hug List Coordinater found. In my opinion, to bring such negative statements public as a first step is not appropriate.

Let me also say, your participation in the making of the HUG is/was appreciated. From the recipient's acknowledgement -- we know the HUG was received in timely manner and is greatly appreciated. The HUG is doing what it was meant to do. For that I thank Leslie, you and everyone who contributed to the making of the HUG.

To Leslie, as HUG coordinator I offer my apologies that she should be "singled out" as if she had done something wrong. What she did is make a HUG for someone who needed one. How she used the materials she received from the individual donors is between her and the donors. I did not open the envelopes, recieve the blocks and other contents nor did I read the accompaning notes or email messages between the donors and hug maker. I have trust in the members of this group that they will be acting in good faith on behalf of the individuals who contribute to the HUG. I refuse to live my life looking for the negatives or second guessing decisions in which I was not a party to any of the communications. I have no intention of micro-managing the HUG QUILT process. Not only is it impossible.... in my opinion it is wrong.

I will post my general "philosophy" or rules as Keeper of the HUG list in a separate posting.

Leslie, I don't know if I'm being out of line (and if I am, I am VERY sorry) in saying this, but seriously, KUDOS to you for being so graceful in the face of being insulted. You didn't deserve that. :(

Granted, I've only been "here" for a few months, but in that time, I have NEVER seen you act ungraciously ... much less indulging in rants. You are one of the people that make me proud to be a "member" of RCTQ ... and one that makes me look forward to reading the posts!! :)

Additionally, in my mind, it seemed as though, when you mentioned costs associated with HUGging, that you were simply letting others know what's involved, whether it be fabric, time or expenses. And as someone who recently put my name on the list, I appreciate that.

Hugs!!!

-- Connie :)

Very well said, Kate!!! Obviously, you are the PERFECT person for the job!! :)

Hugs!!

-- Connie :)

Snipped ...

Whoops!! Meant to say "Kate, I think you know what I'm talking about!!" ... not enough caffeine today, I think!! :-/

-- Connie :)

I thought the whole point of a hug was that it wasn't asked for, unfortunately that may mean that from time to time you give hug to someone and they don't appreciate it the way it was intended and either sell it or worse, pass if off as their own work, but if someone saw a need and thought that person needed hugging then sad though it is, I think it has to be seen as a unfortunate consequence of being generous with hugs, I'd hate to see some people that aren't well known to the group, but who really need a hug, go without for the minority of people who misuse it.

Cheers Anne

As a long-time lurker and relative newcomer to this group, I think the Hugs are one of the most endearing qualities of the group as a whole. There have been many replies in this thread with which I both agree and disagree. I think the Hugs are an awesome gesture and a tremendous undertaking. I've not participated in any Hugs but would certainly be willing to do so. My LQS each year does a similar undertaking for Quilt Pink. My time is usually fairly well scheduled waaaay in advance, but the small amount of time and money required to do a few blocks for that cause is just a wonderful experience. This is such a caring and thoughtful group of individuals. I probably would never volunteer to host a hug as I only hand quilt and wouln't know where to begin machine quilting. The time involved in hand quilting would not allow for getting the hug to the intended recipient in a timely manner, in my mind. So far, every quilt I've made have been given to others. All family, to date. They have each been lovingly received and immensely appreciated. I could only imagine any legitimate Hug recipient here would feel the same way. Especially if they are being done for people in this group - everyone here knows how much time, effort, money, etc. goes into the making of a quilt. With any luck in the very near future I'll sign up for the directory AND the Hug list.

If I recall, the rip-off was the same person twice, wasn't it? I have delivered two hugs - one to one of our members and one to the mother and fiance of a Navy Seal killed in Afganistan. Both times the response to our actions was overwhelming, with all of us shedding tears. I don't think we need to let a selfish person influence our good deeds.

L>How do you feel about this group's Hug quilts?

Linda PATCHogue, NY

I agree, but I also have to think that if someone misled in order to get a hug, maybe they still need the hug for another reason?

I will continue to make blocks as I can. Knowing even better now how wonderful they are to the recipient.

Kellie

The purpose of my question was

1) discussion. I've posted several discussion questions lately and I've enjoyed the discussions that ensued. 2) I've been 'ripped off' twice myself, and wanted a nice broad view to help me get my perspective back in line. 3) to get everyone thinking, and to realize that people can be whoever they want to be on the internet. No, we haven't been ripped off again, that's not why I wrote. I just wrote the question to wake us up and shake us up. Like I said, get us thinking and evaluating.

Karen, Queen of Squishies

I've been involved with several HUGs and it's such a good feeling and it's so great to see the final HUG. But I do try to limit them anymore to those directed at members of the group.

I don't know how it could be 'policed' to weed out pretenders..... that's a tough one.

-Irene

I forgot to say (again, an insufficient amount of caffeine today) that I don't feel that Karen was out of line initiating this thread/discussion (obviously my 2 cents, spend them as you will).

AFAIC, anyone who's a member of the HUG list, is thinking of asking for a HUG, or has ever asked for one, would be more than welcome in offering their view on the matter (please forgive me if I'm out of line, Kate).

A member of the HUG list would have the right considering that s/he would be asked to help with a HUG.

Someone who's thinking of asking for a HUG would have the right considering that s/he might want to know whether or not his/her request would considered trivial or important enough for others to consider.

And someone who's asked for one in the past might want "validation" on whether or not the group at large thought that her need was great enough (most people like to know if they've overstepped their bounds, I would think).

I think that at the very least, this topic/discussion has been invaluable in that it promotes thinking, the sharing of feelings and opinions and has overall been a "learning experience." And isn't that what we're all here for????

-- Connie :)

I fully support HUGS, even if it is a rip-off. Granted, I would be sad to hear that it was, but maybe by doing a "screwball" a good turn, they might rethink how they act and approach things. I posted on here about having to put one of my QIs to sleep, never got a HUG, never was disappointed in it. The person that was most upset about the situation (my son) got his very own, Mommy-made memory blanket with pictures of said QI and that's all that matters to me. Didn't get one when my Nanny passed away either. That's life, not every HUG request can be filled because we ALL have lives that we need to tend to. For me, when people repsond to my posts that they are thinking of my family or praying for us, that's enough.

Anyway, the point is, we should try to make as many HUGS as there is a need for and that we have the time for, regardless

Larisa, > hmmmm....

*snipping*

I have 3 hug quilts, 3 very fine quilts. The smallest was quilted by hand & machine; I could sell it tomorrow IF I chose. The 2nd was from a group that wanted to express sympathy for a sorrow that passed; it's called The Glad Rag; I didn't want it, asked to stop the process, was told to take it or be churlish, as it was made w/ love. I like it just fine; it's beautifully laid out & machine quilted. The 3rd is a Fabulous!!! quilt that I made from a box full of HUG blocks & fabric squares from this group. It is NOT about sorrow or bad luck or horrible health issues; it's from a FUN time, when I said I don't usually celebrate Saint Patrick's Day because I'm not much Irish (some from my mom's side but... well, considering her family... ). RCTQers sent all those blocks & squares in a hurry; I was blown away, laughing & crying. *I* put it together, handquilted, of course, and it's a beautiful, Fabulous quilt; I have been offered $850 for it but would not even consider selling it.

So, I'm saying, not all the Hug quilts are equal. The Columbine Memorial Quilt, at the Colorado History Museum, is a work of art. This group did its BEST work; blocks were set well, the borders are straight, the binding is very good, and the handquilting is spectacular. Yeah, I handquilted 95% of it, and added the binding. It's a near-perfect example of all that sampler quilting can be. The Hug made for Wedgwood Baptist Church in Ft.Worth is another beauty; it came to me in a bit of a mess, I cleaned it up, replaced the borders, Finished the quilting, added a lovely label, delivered it and joined in a prayer when it was accepted. It received many, many admiring & favorable remarks when it hung in the F.W. quilt show that year. Ruth Quilts 1 & 2 are another example of some of our finest work; not bragging or complaining: I paid for RQ1 to be quilted by one of the best machine quilters in the country, then I took great care over the binding. Because it deserved it. Some of these Hug Quilts turn out better than others. Those I have Finished were not done in a rush, but in a reasonably short time, delivered in good condition, because they were made & Finished w/ respect & love.

Speaking of $money$-- that's one thing I will not contribute as a Hug gesture. Quilt blocks &/or fabric, sometimes. Cash to strangers w/ hard luck stories: no. YMMV

I did not contribute to the infamous "rip off" because I am more skeptical than others, will find a shirt to give (not the one off my own back ), and tend to back away when something sounds too-too: too fishy, too horrible, too pitiful, too not-real. And while I am of a more suspicious nature, I would never try to persuade the group (or anyone else) to NOT make a quilt for someone.

I have suggested that in lieu of a fully Finished quilt, sending blocks & squares & fat quarters & yardage & batting & chocolate is a completely acceptable gesture in the RCTQ Hug tradition.

Cheers! R/Sandy-- who will not sit by and have Hug Quilts go unappreciated &/or under-valued ;-)