OTOTOTOT - Childs death

I am so sorry. Sending hugs and prayers and strengthening thoughts from Tucson.

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I know it is very difficult for you to know what to do or say. When my daughter was a junior in HS, a car full of her friends was involved in an accident while going off campus for lunch. A good friend of hers was killed. There really isn't too much you can say because nothing will make it better. Just be there if she wants to talk.

L>I've got a 17 year old DD who is experiencing her first "major" friend

Linda PATCHogue, NY

Hi Cindy

I don't know what to say other than lots of hugs and tears and letting your daughter know that of course as you know it will always hurt, and may not ever hurt less, but the hurting times may be further apart later when she is able to better remember the good times more often. As Mom and I said last night when we talked about things and that it will be one year next week since Dad died, the kitchen timer ran out. Sure wish there was more time but it was not meant to be. We talked for an hour and a half and cried and laughed and cried/laughed again and again as we remembered good times.

All that I can suggest is that others have been there as well. Two years ago, this is what our school had to go through in ONE year. A school of about 1000 including students and staff.

1. Former student killed on 9/11 in Iraq. (21 years old)
2. One of our students hit and killed another of our students walking on the road at 2 in the morning, no substances involved thank goodness. Total accident
3. November, former student died after getting hit by hockey puck in a game at college.
4. January, special ed aides son committed suicide after dropping out of school.
5. March, another former student was killed in Iraq (20 years old)
6. April, teachers wife committed suicide.

So, as you can see, our entire school had a really rough year, and we looked forward to the year ending sooooon. We all pulled together, had a lot of tearful moments, looked at lots of pictures, dedicated pages in the yearbook, have a remembrance bulletin board, started scholarships, planted trees in memory, and just take another deep breath.

So, give her a big hug for me and let her know that others have been there and are thinking of her. And yes it hurts.

Lump in my throat Steven Alaska

She as well as the entire school are just totally overcome with controllable grief. The have brought in grief counselors which she has talked to but I am just at a loss to what to do for her.

I know the normal mom "stuff". I am just so worried for her. She has been through the death process before but there has always been a reason - illness, old age, etc. You know what I mean.

This boy was best friends with the kid next door and he was a permanent fixture there. He was been swimming at my house, he was at her party a couple of weeks ago. There is such a great sadness right now. No one can believe that he is gone and at such a young age.

His death has made nationwide news. It's on MSN's website under the sports column if anyone is interested in reading this.

Thanks for listening. I'm just sitting her sobbing thinking about these kids and of course his family. I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through.

Cindy from MO

Cindy,

I know exactly what you are going through. Last Wednesday, a freshman young lady on the cross-country team at our HS died during her race. The HS has had grief counselors on campus for a week now. Tonight, Back to School night was delayed by 2 hours so that faculty, students and parents could go to the funeral. The only thing you can do is hold your daughter tight and try to give comfort. There is now a movement to demand that athletes be required to have EKG's as part of their mandatory physicals.

I will hold the young man's family in my prayers.

Debbi in SO CA

C> I've got a 17 year old DD who is experiencing her first "major" friend

I didn't get your original message, Cindy, so am piggy-backing here (thanks Debbi). Teenage emotions are so strong, that this grief will be really hurting her. As others have said, just keep her close and enable her to grieve properly. There is one other thing, I think. Teenagers are also very ardent and like to be able to *do* something, when tragedies happen. This very sad phenomenon of 'healthy', sporty teenagers dying instantly like this is a known problem; but it isn't, perhaps, as well known as it should be. Perhaps your daughter could think of ways in which she could publicise the possibility of this happening, get it more widely known, so that young people who intend to make sport a large part of their lives can get their hearts checked periodically. We are seeing it quite a bit over here now, too. The death without rhyme or reason (to us) is quite the hardest to bear. She will soon have a lot of anger to express. Hopefully, the counselling will help in that regard, but do watch out for it. . In message , Debbi in SO CA writes

Just be there when the kids want to talk. Remember him, talk about him, laugh at the jokes he used to make.

I am so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you and your daughter and also especially the parents and family of the young boy. This is such a tragidy. Just be there for her as she goes through her grieving process.

When I was just 21 I lost a dear friend who was had just turned 21 a fews before, we'd been to her wedd> I've got a 17 year old DD who is experiencing her first "major" friend

Hugs and prayers for family and friends. It's hard facing death when your that young and, until that point, you think you're practically immortal.

When my daughter was 15, she lost 3 of her best friends in a car accident. I know what it does to the families and your community.

You're the mom and you can't stand to see your child hurting, but there's absolutely nothing you can do. Grief is as much a part of life as joy is and it is just has to be gotten through.

You can't fix this. But you can be an example of how people are supportive of each other in times like this. That may be one of the "reasons" for tragedies.

I always think that women have it easier than men in these situations. When the girls died there was one family that we are particularly close to. We are godparents to one of their sons. Most of my time was spent cooking and cleaning and answering phones and such. I remember being on my hands and knees at midnight scrubbing the kitchen floor, crying and laughing about "Abby" remembrances.

I'm so sorry for your daughter and everyone concerned.

Cindy

OMG. I am so sorry Cindy. The boys family, friends and the community are in my prayers as you all try to deal with this.

controllable

Oh, Good Lord, Cindy, I'm so very, very sorry. You and your sweet girlie are in our prayers ... that obviously goes without sayin'. :-(

You're doin' EXACTLY what she needs. If you just listen and give her room and time to grieve, she'll be okay. I lost my best friend (suicide) when I was a little younger than your girlie and my parents just bein' THERE, ready and waitin' to talk or listen helped more than they know. And sometimes, just a quiet hug means more than 10 minutes of words. Right after her funeral, I remember my mom just huggin' me, no words exchanged, just shared grievin'. It made us both feel so much better to have a silent acknowledgement of our feelin's. Not so sure if that made sense ...

The only real thing that you can do is listen, love her and let her know that you might not understand how SHE feels in particular (since everyone grieves in a different way) but that you'll stand by her and experience it with her as much as you can. What's that sayin'? Shared pain is pain lessened? somethin' like that ...

Anyway, I honestly hope that you'll keep us posted ... and I hope that you and your girlie will come and talk when you need to or want to about how you feel and what you're goin' through. Friends can help in times like these.

(((((((((((Cindy & her girlie)))))))))))))

-- Connie (sewcreativeATknologyDOTnet ... just remove the obvious!)

Cindy, my heart goes out to your DD, and everyone affected by this tragedy. Everyone grieves differently but the important thing is to grieve, in your own way. If she wants to talk about it, encourage it by listening. It may also help her to be with other friends to talk to and share with.

I see they've determined the young man had a heart defect that is undetectable in a routine physical...it's so very sad. My condolences and prayers go out to his family. The hardest thing to bear would be losing a child. It's a grief I just cannot imagine.

Something similar happened to my DD three years ago. It was very difficult for her as the boy who died (car accident) was her first 'major' male friend. She was 19, he was 20 and a real nice boy; it was devastating for her. And my daughter, who doesn't write anything unless she absolutely has to, wrote a beautiful poem about how much this boy's friendship meant to her, which she read at his funeral. It was very touching and helped her move through her grief.

-Irene

Cindy,

My heart and prayers go out to your DD and the boy's family. My DD is nineteen and when my DH was in the hospital fighting for his life the summer of 05, my DD and I got news that my bff's son (same age as DD) passed on the 4th of July. It was a major shock for us both. My DD had been writing back and forth through email, etc with him. It was quite tragic. I know that my 4th of July will never be the same!

Best wishes and regards to your DD. Launie, in Oregon