OT: what would you do...

How about if you do go you bring a male friend to hold you back. My dad is abusive to his wives also. But I always say I left my abusive husband if these woman can't leave then let them take what happens. I couldn't take it so I divorced mine and walked out of his life. My mother left my father years ago. Just tell your mother how you feel and any other brother and sister and family and friends need to tell her that they will be there for her to give him the boot. There are other guys out there, he ain't the only one. Just support her in any decision she makes. If she invited you to go to the graduation then go...you don't have to sit near him do you?.... If you don't see him then no feelings will arise. Just my 2 cents... My mom and I left ours and it was hard going but we made it. Now I am in the best marriage I couldn't have even dreamed of!

cowchipper

I understand why you would be scared. My 2 cents... this day is your mom's shining moment. If you feel like you can't let the day be about your mom and her acheivement (because of your dad) you shouldn't go. Make something up when your mom wonders why you can't go. Then tell her how proud you are of her for graduating from college and you want to take her out to lunch or dinner... some where some time your dad won't be around, so you can enjoy time with her. Give her a graduation card or gift. You are really in a hard spot Ronni. My heart goes out to you.

Lynne

exept I'd have to stay at their house... I emailed her and told her the truth... if I hide how I feel from her she won't see how her decisions effect everyone not just her... and I'm NOT proud of her finishing her degree.. I read her papers and alot of it is plagerized... and they let her get away with it... not only that but she is now a CASA (court appointed special advocate).... she can advocate for other children but couldn't stand up for me when he beat me up??? I see where I stand in her book and I'm not going to stand beside her during this. I've had enough. Thanks for the thoughts Lynne.. I just had alot of thinking to do and I'm cutting ties with them until she decides to leave. I told her I loved her but that until she decided to do something I wasn't going to be there to be a part of it.

Sounds like you're doing the right thing by just staying away from it all together. Doesn't sound like it's very healthy situation for you to be in. What ever you decided I'll be here if you want to talk.

Lynne

Oh Ronni, I am so sorry you are having this trouble. I think your Mom would understand if you told her you just could not make it for her gradation but would love to get together with just her for a celebration of her accomplishment. Such a long history of abuse is adequate reason not to go. Remember ,that is their drama, not yours and stay totally out of it. I will send lots of good thoughts for you .

Hugs, Sabrina in Kentucky

IMO, you've done the right thing Ronni. Sounds like to me that your mom knows the relationship is bad for her and those around her. She's obviously made the decision to stay in the relationship, but she does need to know how you feel about it.

As seems to happen more and more, I didn't see the original post ans was glad that Lynne left your post attached to her reply, Ronni.

if you don"t think that you can stay cool whatever happens at your mother"s graduation < then don"t go> OR this is what I might do:

1.Tell her that you are not sure that you can make it but will do everything you can to see her graduate.

1. Send her flowers telling her that you love her and are so proud of her achievement (something tells me that this step will lead her to a better place)
2. Slip into the ceremony once it has started. Take your pictures and leave again after she gets her diploma.
3. Call her and let her know that seeing her graduate was awesome and that you are sorry that you were unable to hang around after.

Notice that there is no lying invloved; that it allows you to be there; and lets your mom know that you do care while allowing you to avoid your father altogether, that's assuming of course that the place is big enough for you to slip in and out without him spotting you).

Could be way off base here, but if it were me and it were possible to be there and avoid the conflict, it would be my choice.

But in the end, its really about what you feel comfortable doing and allows you to look at yourself in the mirror and still like the person that you are looking at.

Here is wishing you comfort in whatever decision you make.

M-C

OK, I hadn't seen this post when I replied to the other one. I applaud you for doing what you think is right! Hopefully things will work out for her. It really is hard to break the cycle of abuse. My heart goes out to her and my prayers are with her that she will find the strength to love herself enough to do what is right for her.

I think MC has given you some really great advice here. I like the way she suggests you attend. I also agree with Sabrina, a private dinner for you and your mom would be a better celebration anyway.

And most certainly remember, their dramas are theirs and you do not have to involve yourself in them. If staying away and keeping your distance is the only way you can keep your cool, then maybe that is for the best.

I hope things work out ok!

Renee >As seems to happen more and more, I didn't see the original post ans was

Ronni, I hope that someday all of you will be able to let go of the past and move forward. It's been my experience that hanging on to past wrong only makes one angry and allows the abuser to victimize you over and over and over without even lifting a finger.

M-C

I'm not very good at giving advice, but your story truly touched me. You are a very brave person. I give you credit for being open and able to share this with others and ask for advice and help. Not many people do that. Hopefully you will be able to help your mom enjoy her great day. I will be thinking of you and your mom.

i wish I could do it like that but I live 10 hours away and I'd have to stay with them if I went.... I can't afford a hotel... I'm just going to send some flowers....

appreciate that hon

she has known for years and always put him before me or herself... its sickening... I mean it hurts that its my DAD... someone who is suppossed to be my protector, not someone I need to be protected from.... I just need to dissapear from the family... the sad thing is I'm the only child and that makes it a bit harder....

Yeah, its so easy to want to let go but even distancing yourself from it and not allowing yourself to be a part of it isn't enough... now I just have bad dreams and panic attacks... He knows what he has done and I think one oucne of remorse would help... but I know better than to expect that.

Thanks Renee..

Thank you so much.. I just feel like you guys are a bit of my "family" and even though this is read all over I still knew you guys would give me good advice....

thanks hon... *sigh* maybe I should go sign up for Jerry Springer..... *g*

no don't do that, then you'd have to get neeked to slap them around!....lol

cowchipper