This Humble Pie carried quite a wallop!

< ========================= < BREAKING NEWS ========================= WASHINGTON, D.C.(Rueters) -- The Smithsonian Institution was abruptly shut down just after it opened to the public today as the FBI launched an investigation into the sudden demise of one Ed Conrad. Ed, who proved that Man IS as Old as Coal and Death DOES NOT Exist, took the 10-count Monday after choking on a slice of delicious Humble Pie. It has since been determined that the pie was poisonous as well, and that it had been especially baked for Ed by the Smithsonian's kitchen staff to celebrate his birthday. Incidentally, the Smithsonian did NOT refund the admission price to the good folks who were kicked out while touring the sanctuary. "Cheap bastards," said one rather overweight woman from Pennsyvania who didn't want her name used. Rueters, as is our policy, ALWAYS prints the names of people who make comments, so her name is MS. Jill Whalen. < -- Check back later for more -- < =========================== < EARLIER STORY =========================== < MAHANOY CITY, Pa.(Rueters) -- We, here at Rueters, have just learned the names of those world- famous folks who will serve as pallbearers at Ed Conrad's funeral on Thursday. Ed, as everyone undoubtedly knows by now, died on Monday by choking on a delicious slice of Humble Pie. It indeed was a sad ending for the scientist who has proven beyond doubt that Man IS as Old as Coal and that, indeed, There IS Life After Death. But that's now water over the bridge, so let's get right to the impressive list of pall- bearers. < Bill O'Reilly who, with great sadness, learned of Ed Conrad's passing. <
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< Father Sarducci,who said Ed had committed quite a few sins that were whoppers. <
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< < LEST WE FORGET < MAN AS OLD AS COAL <
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< AND < PROOF OF LIFE AFTER DEATH <
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< =================== < "We can forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." -- Plato < "You're not only fighting the man in the ring, Ed. You're also fighting the referee and the three judges." -- Clayton Lennon (1900-1996) < "We're actually First Graders in the School of Knowledge." < -- Ed Conrad
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ONE FATALITY

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