< BREAKING NEWS
-- The Smithsonian Institution
was abruptly shut down just after
it opened to the public today as
the FBI launched an investigation
into the sudden demise of one
Ed, who proved that Man IS
as Old as Coal and Death DOES
NOT Exist, took the 10-count
Monday after choking on a slice
of delicious Humble Pie.
It has since been determined
that the pie was poisonous as well,
and that it had been especially
baked for Ed by the Smithsonian's
kitchen staff to celebrate his
Incidentally, the Smithsonian
did NOT refund the admission price
to the good folks who were kicked
out while touring the sanctuary.
"Cheap bastards," said one
rather overweight woman from
Pennsyvania who didn't want her
Rueters, as is our policy,
ALWAYS prints the names of people
who make comments, so her name is
MS. Jill Whalen.
-- Check back later for more --
< EARLIER STORY
MAHANOY CITY, Pa.(Rueters) --
We, here at Rueters, have just
learned the names of those world-
famous folks who will serve as
pallbearers at Ed Conrad's
funeral on Thursday.
Ed, as everyone undoubtedly
knows by now, died on Monday by
choking on a delicious slice of
It indeed was a sad ending
for the scientist who has proven
beyond doubt that Man IS as Old
as Coal and that, indeed, There
IS Life After Death.
But that's now water over
the bridge, so let's get right
to the impressive list of pall-
Bill O'Reilly who, with great sadness,
learned of Ed Conrad's passing.
< < < < Father Sarducci,who said Ed had committed quite a few sins that were whoppers. <
< < < < < < < LEST WE FORGET <
MAN AS OLD AS COAL
< < AND
PROOF OF LIFE AFTER DEATH
< =================== <
"We can forgive a child
who is afraid of the dark.
The real tragedy of life
is when men are afraid
of the light." -- Plato
"You're not only fighting
the man in the ring, Ed.
You're also fighting the
referee and the three judges."
-- Clayton Lennon (1900-1996)
"We're actually First Graders
in the School of Knowledge."
< -- Ed Conrad
- posted 5 years ago