Good for you, Sooz, for taking charge of this thing.
You're so right about it being difficult to find support groups for this category of abuse. And that fact alone can minimalize the abuse in the mind of the subject of the abuse (ie: if there's no support groups, it must not be a big deal and I must be overreacting).
((((Sooz))))
Tink Check here for available work:
I'm so glad Merc is doing better. Please send healing vibes Trinkett's way. She threw up on the couch today and she is pretty under the weather. We were so careful not mixing up her foods and such but I think "grandma and grandpa" gave her other food. :-(
Sooz darling I had the same problems with my mom. Although I was raised (thank God) by my grandparents there was a lot of baggage to go along with my mom. I had to give up at one point and not talk to her. She said she never understood that and I can live with my decision. It was the BEST EVER DECISION I had to make in my life. It was so hard for me to let go but I just had to do it. Once I did it all that anger was gone. I gave up the hate years before the anger was still there much to my surprise.
We are here for you. Big hugs...
Starlia
You nailed it. I'm reading that more people are recognizing that this is an area of damage and need. ~~ Sooz
Argh, I can't stand it when people do that to one's puppy! It's not okay.
I am committed to doing this. But it's so stressful --!! Good god. Do you still not talk to your mom, or was that a temporary patch?
I am not planning to talk to her ever again if I can possibly avoid it (and not get tricked by someone, or run into her accidentally). The problem is -- how does one end it? Do you tell the person (taking personal responsibility)? Or do you just avoid them and tell others (which seems cowardly to me -- though what do we owe them, really)? I am trying to figure this out right now.....it's like trying to stand on Fiddy's kayak in the midst of Charley. ~~ Sooz
May I suggest you decide that later, when it feels right to? I decided not to talk to my father about why I cut ties. He would deliberately misunderstand or deny what I was trying to tell him and that would leave me feeling worse than I do now. Your path might work out differently, of course, and I just mention my case because I wanted to you know youre not alone in having to make this sort of choice. Diana
and to do that, you gotta have a REALLY low center of gravity...
...like me!
The Blessed Fiddy, Patroness Saint of the Disorganized LC in Sunny So Cal Personality Development Specialist (Full-Time Mom!)
On Mon, 23 Aug 2004 16:40:38 -0400, Dr. Sooz wrote (in message ):
I tried the "give fair warning" method, which didn't work at all. It just gave the person another opportunity to try and manipulate me, and when that didn't work, it became an opportunity to tell me how much I suck. (In case all those other times I heard that I suck didn't sink in)
Yeah, yeah, I'm ugly, stupid and am a total failure. But why would anyone else care? It's not their life or their business. Maybe I'm happy being ugly, stupid and a total failure. When it comes to hearing these things, I always weigh them with the "total stranger test:" would a total stranger punch you in the mouth if you said that? If the answer is "yes," then the other person should have kept their big yap shut, and I don't have to listen to it.
The total avoidance method worked a lot better for me. Actually, I think it was really the braver course, because you don't get to tell this person that they are poisonous. (I know, you won't get through to them this time either, but there's always that slim chance, ya know? Isn't that why you kept trying all that time?) I didn't tell others - I just shut off contact, and when the poisonous person sent third parties to coerce me, I'd simply answer that "Poison Person knows why, and I really don't want to discuss it. Thanks for asking."
After a decade (!) I was able to reinstate very limited contact with the Poison Person. We're talking group gatherings, where I have my own car to leave if there's a problem, and there are lots of other people around so the Poison Person can't say too many evil things (can't have an audience, because then people will realize that Poison Person is the jerk, not me).
Just my two cents,
Kathy N-V
P.S.: So glad that Merc is feeling better. Give him a dignified look for me. :-)
I wrote my parents a letter and told them I would no longer speak to them and gave a few specific examples of how they hurt me when we speak. I told them they could write me letters and maybe they would think more about what they put on paper than what came outta their mouths. I had my DH read the 1st couple-a letters from my dad and let me know if he thought it was safe for me to read it. My mother wrote once in 2 years. I do speak to them a little now. I have been feeling some guilt because their health had taken a bad turn. I also felt stronger in making boundries and turning around and walking away if she wants to be mean. We just had a phone conversation for my birthday. She was her old self and I was my depressed weak self. I'm thinking why did I start talking to her again...A screwy thing here: my mother does not want my father and I to have a relationship. The only way I can talk to him without her interference is to write him a letter...
Good luck in your search for healing Sooz! I have had that same thing happen: new memories of old abuse, an overall vision of the abuse and dysfunction. It's like yeah I see she is sick, but I mourn a happy and free childhood that I never got. I mourn unconditional love and care from a mom. At least I now know that all that crap is hers not mine. I am not inherently unloveable, I never was. She was/is just clueless.
Stephanie
Oh I know how happy this makes you. Yea!
My sister divorced my parents via a Dear Jane and John letter. It was very therapeutic for her. I hope it is for you too.
{{{Sooz}}}
My mom passed last year but she definitely knew that it was over between us. She tried to reconcile but there is only so much a person can take. I didn't trust her and couldn't let my heart go through another heartbreak. I told her up front I was tired of her lying and everything else. Now that she has passed its a mute point but it was in place for over 7 years.
Sooz, I've been exactly where you are now, including the denial of abuse by my mother. I never got an apology from her, just an admission that she did take a lot of her anger out on me. (I'm the oldest of 4 kids)
Twenty one years ago, when my father died, she refused to let any of us kids mourn him. I could write 20 paragraphs about the way she behaved at his funeral and afterwards, but I'll spare you all. It angered me to the point that I could not speak or look at her. She finally went crying to my brother and he came to me. He said I had to get past it, I had to let it go. Not for her sake, but for mine. He was right, and it took some time but I have let it go. I haven't forgiven and I'll never forget, but I don't hold that anger any more.
Today I have a cautious relationship with her. Of course now she is calling twice a day to see how I am, but before I got sick we still had a "working" relationship. No where near as close as I am with my own daughters, but not estranged either.
I hope and pray you find some peace within yourself. You more than deserve it.
Love, Cheri
That's so wonderful to hear!!!! Yey, Merc!!! I'm so freaking glad....
Glad to hear this as well, Sooz. I love you tons and am glad to know you'll be getting more support close to home. (I snipped the rest, but am commenting here): This past time has seemed like an overwhelming turning point for you, and you've been amazingly strong throughout - even though it may not seem so. I am glad there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just sending lots of love towards you now, which is so much better than trying to think of more stuff to say.....words tend to fail me in this area, but the love and healing energy are very much there. Take care in the coming weeks, sweet Sooz.
I'm not sure I know exactly what you're referring to. What part of my post is this about?
(I'm not deciding anything right now. It's not the right time. There's too much flux.)
~~ Sooz
Yeah -- I've totally rejected that idea. It will just lead to a lot of chaos and screaming.
This wasn't your MOM who told you this, after you held the family together?!?!?
Yes! Exactly! HAW
Haw! ~~ Sooz
And one can always write the letter and then throw it away, or at least put it away til later. It feels great just to write them. ~~ Sooz
Poor Trinkett! Hope she gets to feeling better soon.
On Tue, 24 Aug 2004 1:04:08 -0400, Dr. Sooz wrote (in message ):
No, not at all. It was the other parent, who now claims that my holding the family together was meant to hurt him. If I had just "let him step in," all would have been well.
Sure. Like it had been all ice cream and lollipops during all the previous years when he declined to support his children. Considering past performance, I think the decision I made to step up to the plate was the only logical choice.
The total failure part is two fold, maybe threefold: I married DH, when I could have married someone with a lot of money. DD is a girl, which is entirely my fault, and was done to spite my father, who was/is desperate for a grandson. When I was making a ton of money, I could have booted DH, taken the kid and run - and I didn't. I am such a fiend. I could have then married someone with a ton of money and had a second child - it would definitely be a grandson next time.
Guess why I don't see him? I see no reason to subject myself or my family to that kind of venom. He would like a relationship with DD, but she wants nothing to do with him, "because I see the way he treats you, and I want to give him a punch." (She calls him a tapir behind his back)
Can't say I'm going to force the issue. DD is almost grown, she can decide for herself. If her decision is to stay away, fine with me.
Kathy N-V
Sooz -- I quit going home for Christmas after my mother lied to me and told me she wasn't going to have me and my uncle Phil (my molester, her brother) at different events. She said it was her family and she wasn't going to acquiese to my wishes. So, I quit coming. Can you imagine your mother telling you that you have to socialize, and be nice to, someone who sexually molested you? Dumb bitch. I know she couldn't handle it, but I still had to take care of myself. The memories were repressed, so it was a drastic change in me at a late age in life. My family never handled it well. My mother was the same way -- nothing that I remember as "bad" ever really happened in our family. I was making it up. She had the same ability I have had all my life -- to "forget" what we do not want to look at. It just never happened.
It is a long story, but I felt guilty for years for the relief I got from not attending these stupid tramatic functions with my family. I had not heard from my mother for seven years when she died. I was amazingly OK with it. I know this. If you can find a way to forgive yourself for being relieved, you will be OK. It was healthy for me to get away from them (because everyone disappeared along with my mom, and my older sister who was the one who started all this. She "disowned" me for not coming home for Christmas. She never owned me, LOL.). It was healthy for me to get away from them. It was a great relief. My life was easier.
I can completely relate to having memories and/or fresh realizations make me relieve my entire life in light of the new information -- it changes everything.
Also, ACOA meetings would be good for you. Not online, but in real life. They have (Adult Children of Alcoholics, through Al-Anon) what they call GCOA's -- grandchildren of alcoholics. No one in my family is an alcoholic, but the meetings helped me greatly. Go if you want a real life meeting. They have a lot of wisdom there.
Becki "In between the moon and you, the angels have a better view of the crumbling difference between wrong and right." -- Counting Crows
One more thing from me: My mother completely got off on me refusing to come home for guilt trips anymore. It was a complete drama queen trip for her -- I am sure everyone in her life knew that, and she got off on it as she did with every drama queen scenario in her life. Just a fair warning. They don't change. You do. Becki "In between the moon and you, the angels have a better view of the crumbling difference between wrong and right." -- Counting Crows
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