I was cleaning up my archives the other day and found this. Remember back - what? - five or six years ago? - Nan was going to start a Stitchers' Glossary? Well, these are some entries I'd stored away, but the glossary never happened.
thimble - the intellectually challenged stitcher, often nicknamed a thimble thimon by her thithterth, I mean sisters.
needle - extremely small, pointy piece of metal with a hole at one end through which one is jocularly expected to draw a
piece of floss in order to stitch.
needle threader - device of torture given to stitchers in order to assist the threading of the needle. Frequently, the
contortions required to make the threader work will send the stitcher mad (mad, I tell you!) far sooner than she would have
succumbed by simply trying to thread the needle on her own!
tapestry needle - purportedly blunt (yeah, right!) needle designed for use with the pre-holed canvas used for needlepoint.
This 'bluntness' is given the lie when one sits upon said needle or has one forced into one's flesh by any other means. Such
as catching it in one's thumbnail. Kicking it as it lurks in the carpet with one's delicate little toe. Getting it stuck
between one's teeth as one tries to hold it there, keeping hands free for some more important task. You know what I mean, I
*know* you do!needlepoint - the 'conducting' attitude of a stitcher who, needle in hand and mouth full of chocolate, attempts to direct
some family member toward the clean socks or undies or whatever it is they just asked for.
stitchers' balm - chocolate in any of its myriad forms.
blood - substance which stitchers sweat in order to have a piece blocked, framed and ready for wrapping on the eve of
Christmas/Easter/birthday/other gift-giving occasion. Also, substance which oozes from the tortured flesh of a stitcher when
inappropriate use has been made of the needle (see above). Removal of blood can only (I repeat: *only*) be achieved by the
liberal application of the bleeder's own spit. Nobody else's spit will do!
gallbladder - substance which will readily impregnate your stitching if you allow one of your gallstones to fall on it. Ask
me how I know...
aida - grand opera with elephants by Giacomo Puccini. Oh, and it's also this special stuff you can stitch on...
evenweave - the swaying, rhythmic gait used by stitchers as they negotiate the crowds milling around at craft shows.
linen - fabric fabricated from the fibres of flax. Young stitchers are usually afraid of linen, but there's no need to be
unless it's wrapped firmly round your neck!
lugana - cheeky little Italian wine, which is quite nice to sip upon while stitching upon the cotton/viscose fabric of the
same name.
scissors - snipping devices with two blades formed to look like a stork and, more importantly, a stunningly beautiful
stitched fob attached.
hardanger - wrath of a stitcher whose family has used her stork scissors to cut paper, toenails or lengths of fuse wire!
udder cream - not what you think! It's for putting on the *cow's* mammary glands in order to make stitching easier for her.
(Go figger!)
Orvus - useful horse shampoo which undergoes an amazing change of its physical state, depending on the ambient temperature.
Stitchers use it to wash their work, confident that its pure soap will clean without leaching dyes. Stitchers in the tropics
can use it by the droplet while stitchers in arctic regions can chisel bits off according to their needs. Comes in massive
quantities because, of course, horses are kinda large beasties and use lots of shampoo. If there's a brand of horse
conditioner or setting gel, I've yet to hear of it, but if there *is*, then you probably won't want to buy any...
orts - not to be confused with 'aughts' (eg. 'I aught to finish that sampler for my NSDMIL'), orts are the remainders of
threads, usually not long enough to be used for anything, but since you paid Good Money for them, too Meaningful to be thrown
away. Some stitchers save them in an ort-catcher. Others wear them proudly on their clothing, thus proclaiming themselves to
be Stitchers.
Stitcher's Glamour - see 'orts'. The stitcher's glamour is the aura of coloured threads and blending filament which can be
seen shimmering on (and off of) her clothing.
do-lolly - useful little device with a small hook. You can use it to tuck thread-ends beneath completed stitches. Or, you can
use it to pull the wrapper off a chocolate bar without getting your fingers dirty.
Thread Heaven - doesn't taste as good as chocolate.'