A friend called and invited you over for "an interesting experience". That could mean his home made beer is ready, his order of illegal fireworks has finally arrived - or he's broken down and bought his own roto-rooter type machine and needs a hand cleaning out his ever clogging sewer line. Alas, or fortunately, it was None Of The Above. Here's your side of the dialogue.
Ok so you?ve given me this piece of what looks like firewood. Now what?
All right, I?m looking at this end of this chunk of wood. You want me to guess where its center is and use this nail to make a small hole in the end? Why don?t I just get a hammer and drive the nail all the way into the wood?
Don?t know why I?m doing this but what?s next?
Do the same thing on the other end? No problem.
You want me to ?chuck it up?? on THAT machine?
Hey, that thing has a motor on it. And that thing with the point on it looks like it?s going to spin when that motor?s turned on. Good thing this chunk of wood won?t start spinning with it - that could get dangerous real fast. Is this thing some kind of horizontal drill press thingee?
So that thing on the other end is called The Tail Stock? It?s got a pointy thing on it too. Oh, and this Tail Stock thing can move on this pair of flat rails. I?m gonna stick my neck out here and guess that you want me to slide that puppy down and poke the pointy thing into the hole in this end of the chunk of fire wood right?
Oh, so that handle locks this tail stock thing onto the rails things?
Don?t tell me. If I turn THIS handle it?ll push the pointy thing into the end of my chunk of wood. And if I turn that handle it?ll lock things in place.
Is this a rig to hold the wood for carving?
No?
Hey, what?s this other thing on the rails things?
A banjo? You kidding me?
Well when you look at it from above it does sort of look like a banjo. What?s it supposed to do? It?s got a hole in it and a threaded handle. What goes in the hole and gets locked in there?
The long leg of this steel ?T? thing must go in the hole. And I?m guessing again but it looks like it?s supposed to be up near the wood to hold something right? OK, it?s called a tool rest. Makes sense. But if this piece of wood rotates it?s going to hit this thing. Move it so it doesn?t hit the wood? OK, but now it?s farther from the wood when I turn the wood a quarter turn.
Tool rest - hmmmm.
That sort of implies that there?s a tool that?s going to be supported by this thing.
Whoa! That?s an interesting piece of shiny steel. Long wood handle - is this a small baseball bat? If so, why the sharp end of steel on the other end?
It?s a roughing gouge? Looks awkward as hell - where?s the mallet to hit it with?
No mallet? What am I supposed to do with this thing - stab it in the wood?
You want me to hold it steady on the steady rest and turn the wood into it? OK but this isn?t a very good way to cut wood off that piece of wood?
You want me to do WHAT?!! Turn the motor on? Are you crazy? What do you mean it?s set at its lowest rpms? How low is its lowest rpms? SIX HUNDRED RPMS? That?s ten revolutions a second. This thing isn?t symetric and it?s going to want to wobble all over hell if I get it spinning. Are you serious about turning this thing on?
I told you this thing was going to wobble. But it doesn?t seem as though it?s going to fly off anywhere so now what?
You want me to do WHAT?!!!!!!
Let me get this straight. That chunk of wood is rotating 10 times a second and you want me to put this ?roughing gouge? down on that ?tool rest? - and push it into that spinning chunk of wood?
Come on dude. I?ve played along up to this point - but are you out of your freakin? mind - and why do you think I?m an idiot?
I?ve had enough. I going home. When you get back from the emergency room give me a call if you need anything.
charlie b