Jeesh... back again!

FIngers crossed that it "took"! I gather that you and Matthew are friends today?

Hugs, Kather> My newsgroups were out again all day today... and I just NOW got on > to read them. :o/

Today... well, yesterday we were! Not sure about today, we haven't spoken yet... I got on the computer after letting the dogs out, and Matthew has been in front of the TV. We *could* be good for a few hours and then all hell breaks loose. I swear, he has become extremely distant within this last 1 1/2 months since he started dating this girl and we used to be closer than I had ever seen any mother/child. We rarely talk anymore without getting into a heated arguement, and apparently (her mom called me on Sunday) she's doing the same thing with them. She calls him three or four times a day... her mom said that she bought her last boyfriend (with whom she had a child, who she is rarely home to say goodnight to anymore) a cell phone and used to call and check up on him at work all the time. I am NOT a happy camper about this relationship... and the sad thing is there isn't anything I can do about it, he isn't a minor anymore. I tried to tell him from the beginning that she was manipulating him into being HER boyfriend rather than the girl who he had been interested in and this one was

*supposedly* trying to help him with... but he didn't/doesn't believe it. Even her own mother said that she is manipulative and bossy and has to have her own way on things. :o/

Gem

Oh, I know all about this kind of thing! I am glad that my children are grown up. I still worry, but at least I don't have to deal with it the way I did when we were all living under the same roof. If it is any consolation, this too will pass, and you will be best friends again. You are doing the right thing by not interfering, as that will only cause more problems. I know how difficult it is to keep your mouth shut, but that is definitely the best policy right now. Eventually he will see her for what she is, and you will be able to stop worrying about her. I'll pray for both of you.

Hugs, Katherine

Oh I went through a period when my parents had to be dead wrong about a boy I liked too... but I was 15 (ie. Young and stupid). Matthew is going to be

24 in a couple of weeks, you'd think he'd be adult enough now to realize that I should know a little better than he does about relationships (and people in general) considering that he only ever had two highschool girlfriends who he barely kissed on the cheek, and one best friend since grade 10. I have always had gut feelings about people, and they are 99.9% right... but he just refuses to listen about this girl at all. They only started dating on June 10th and they are already talking about moving in together and marriage has even been mentioned. I have outright told him in our last BIG battle (as her parents have told her) that if he does this he will lose me and our good relationship forever, and he is my only child... that's how dead set against this relationship I am! I can so see how she has manipulated him every step of the way.. and all he can see is "She's nice and understanding!"

Gem :o(

OH, dear! This doesn't sound good, at all. My Alec went through similar episodes, but fortunately, settled down with a lovely girl. She has said that if they ever get divorced, she wants me. I'll be praying, Gem. Good luck. Katherine

Your son is a grown man. You've got to let him lead his own life. Maybe he prefers in-charge type women, and maybe that's due to the way he was raised. Gem, his personal life just not your business anymore. He is already late in making the mistakes we all need to make to learn how to be a successful adult.

Kiddo, I can't even imagine talking over personal details of my son's relationships with the mother of a woman he would be dating. If you want to have a good interactive relationship with him as he mates/marries/raises a family, you need to pull back now.

JaneB (You posted it so I thought it would be okay to respond truthfully.)

I am very aware that my son is a grown man, and I have tried to help him to act more maturely all along and to make mature decisions... and for the most part he has done well. It is *this* instance where there is/was a major problem... but we have worked things out ourselves without anyone else's help. And oh, by the way, he was raised NOT to let other people make decisions for him... and this girl is not simply an in-charge type, her own mother said that she is bossy and manipulates people to have things her own way.

I did not call his girlfriend's mother, she called here looking to speak to Matthew who had just stormed off out the door with her daughter... and *she* was the one who was doing most of the talking about the changes she has seen in her daughter over the last five years.... I said very little. And for the record, I have pulled back so far from what has been going on with my son that I often feel that I don't even know what the hell is going on in his life anymore. We were always close and *always* were able to communicate freely about everything... but now he has closed up about most things, except when he was coming in after a date storming around and snapping at me about how "We are sick of our parents trying to hold us back!" when I hadn't even said anything to him at all about his girlfriend (she and her parents had been arguing, but I got the brunt of it from my son), or much of anything else that day, and we *had* actually been speaking nicely to each other before he left. So don't point fingers at me about staying out of his life and letting him make his own mistakes, when I have done nothing but try to do just exactly that without having to be told to do so by someone else, and the *only* time I have snapped back at him was when I was jumped on for no reason whatsoever.

So yes, I was feeling very defensive when I was snapped at for no reason other than his girlfriend being bitchy and Matthew taking it out on me... and I told him (and meant every word at the time) that I would disown him if he continued on with this relationship. If it comes to that and I do stick with what I said, it will be my choice and my consequences to deal with.

Yes I did post, to Katherine!

Thanks for your input, but Matthew and I are handling it on our own.

Gemini

Thank you for letting me vent, Katherine. *hugs* I really needed to let off some steam that day, I was very stressed by it all.

Matthew contacted his girlfriend's mother and he was invited to supper (I was too, but Matthew wanted to do this on his own, so I declined.) to talk to her parents before his girlfriend got home from work. He told her mother that he didn't feel right about talking about Christina without her being there, but they actually wanted a chance to get to know him a little on their own because Christina never allowed them to be alone long enough for them to get a feel for him at all. I drove him there and dropped him off, then I came home and went in the pool for a bit (I shouldn't do that without Matthew being here, in case I have a problem getting out, but I really needed to unwind.) which helped me to calm down and relax a bit.

Apparently they (Matthew and her parents) had a nice get-to-know-you talk before Christina came home, and then they all had a talk about the way things have been going. When Christina drove Matthew home they sat in the car in the laneway for over an hour talking about the night's events, and Matthew told me that he spoke to Christina about trying to talk more with her parents instead of storming out the door everytime things don't go the way she wants... and that her parents *do* love her and want to see the old Christina the way she was before five years ago... and apparently Christina said she would try. Her parents like Matthew now, and I have noticed that he has become a lot less tense since things have settled down between Christina and her parents.

They have decided *not* to move in together, and will wait at *least* one year before marriage. Matthew and I are back on track with our good mother/son relationship. I still have my doubts and reservations about Christina (gut feeling), but like I've said many times... he is an adult and I can't stand with my hand on his shoulder throughout his life... if it fails, it fails... there isn't anything I can do about it but watch and hope for the best for him.

Thank you again for being there for me to pour my heart out to. :o)

*hugs* Gem

ANy time, sweetie. That's what friends are for.

Hugs, Katherine

Well, then, good luck to you. I truly believe you aren't seeing the forest for the trees. It's time for him to leave home. That's what grown children do. My mother told me that a mother's job is to figure out what a child needs from his mother at each stage and supply that. What twenty-four year old mean do not need is a mother advising them about their dating/sex/marriage life.

JaneB And again, this isn't a private chat room, this is a public yarn newsgroup... I saw the post here publicly and I posted publicly.

I repeat what I said in the paragraph that I left in (above).... we have worked things out ***ourselves*** without anyone else's help.

The advise your mother gave you is very nice, but I learned a lot from my mother and she from her mother as well. We have always been a very close family and all generations of our family have live three generations within the same household. I stayed with my parents and helped them around the house as much as they helped me after my ex-husband took off back to England without sending any support whatsoever.... then when my parents had back-to-back strokes I was here to care for them and took on *all* the responsibilities. Matthew saw that, and admires that... and when he was old enough and strong enough, he helped me with my mother as well. There are also other families within our town who have more than two generations living within the same household... there is nothing wrong with that. Nor is there anything wrong with families who blow up at each other... it does not mean that we don't still love and care about each other, it simply is a means of letting off steam.

He will "leave home" if and when he so chooses.. not your decision, not mine. We happen to be CO-owners of this house... Matthew's choice! So if he wishes to remain living in this house forever, that too is his decision... there is plenty of room and potential for this house on the other levels. As for a twenty-four year old not needing his mother's input on dating/sex/marriage life... I am fully aware of this and only *give* advise when I am asked for it, just as my mother only gave advise when she was asked for it. We had a few blow-ups and things were said... everyone does it, it's no big deal (my parents and I used to yell from time to time as well, and we always loved and cared about each other). I am certainly not telling him he *can't* date or marry this girl... that would be stupid and I am not a stupid person. He is an adult and can make his own decisions... if it fails, it fails... if it works out, I will be happy for him.

I am aware that this is not a private chat room... we have always been able to vent our feelings and frustrations on the newsgroup before... suddenly we can't? Katherine asked me a question about Matthew (likely because she and others in this newsgroup have known about him from the first day I started posting here)... I answered *her*, not anyone else.

Gemini

To everyone else... pardon me for venting my frustrations and concerns for my son... since it seems to have bothered *some* people, I won't bother doing it again!

Gem, you can still vent here and privately with me anytime. :::hugs::: Noreen

Thank you, Noreen!

*hugs* Gem

Sweetie, you vent here whenever you want. We all do it.

Hugs, Katherine

Thank you, Katherine!

*hugs* Gem

Hi! Gemini...You vent when you need it. I do not talk much in here, but I talk a bit in my blog...No, I won't tell here what I wrote there some time ago. But there is some text about me and my life. If you want to read it, you must go there. It is too long story to tell here. But Gem...if you wanna talk...just go ahead. And everyone...sorry this mess...I know I cause it from time to time. Best: Pirjo

Thank you Pirjo! :o)

I wondered where you had gone, because I hadn't seen you posting here for a while now.

Gem

Hi Gem,

You know if you want to vent, I'm always here if you want to drop me a note too.

Hugs,

Nora

Merci, Nora! I know that! :o)

*hugs* Gem