Beading to Heal the Soul

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from Kathy N-V :

]And knowing that I can make beautiful things no matter how sad and ]upset I might be at the moment was incredibly empowering.

GOOD for you! [and for DD and her attitude!]

----------- @vicki [SnuggleWench] (Books)

Maybe not that drastic a diagnosis. But if she is used to having other people react to her acting up by doing things to regulate her mood

-for- her, she isn't getting any better at doing it herself.

If you are full of goodwill for her, stopping the mood-regulating stuff from your end will be a positive move.

If you are pissed at her for being manipulative, stopping will be a good move, because it will demonstrate that this tactic doesn't work anymore.

Either way, no response is a good response. For both of you.

Deirdre

On Mon, 4 Aug 2003 14:16:44 -0400, Deirdre S. wrote (in message ):

No goodwill whatsoever today. It's one thing to mess with me, but to mess with my kid is another matter altogether. DD called this morning all upset, because my mother gave her a hard time last night because she was homesick.

After a very sleepless night, and after hearing from DD, my first thought was to hop on a plane, collect my kid and kill my mother. Upon further reflection and the realization that I'd never get there before DD was on a flight here, I called and talked to my aunt. (DD and my mother are staying there) I explained what DD was reporting, and asked that she get to the bottom of it.

About ten minutes later, the phone rang. It was my mother, claiming that she "lost the connection" last night, and that DD was exaggerating at best. My Aunt then came on the phone and assured me that this behavior would stop, right this instant. I don't trust my mother, but I do trust my aunt. I spoke with DD, who told me that my aunt and cousin has smoothed everything over, and were taking DD shopping for the day. My mother will be left behind to "pack."

A big part of the problem is that DD is very, very homesick; and my mother has absolutely no empathy for anyone. She thought that being tough with DD for missing home was going to help. (It didn't work with me or my siblings, either) Fortunately, DD will be home in less than 24 hours.

Yeah, I felt that way for a bit too. But she's not a danger to herself and/or others, and if she chooses to behave badly, that's her right. It's also my right to stay away until she chooses to behave in a more acceptable manner. Mom will come around - she is very concerned about the opinion of our family in Germany, and now they all know she's not behaving very well right now.

I think Mom's in shock that I spoke with her sister. My aunt and the rest of them know me very well, and know that I don't alarm people unnecessarily.

Thank you all! You cannot know how nice it is to know that I have all these wonderful friends pulling for me.

Kathy N-V

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from Kathy N-V :

]Fortunately, DD will be home in less than 24 hours.

knowing exactly how you feel! *** H U G S *** it'll be good to get your arms around her again, won't it?

----------- @vicki [SnuggleWench] (Books)

Yes, yes, yes!!!! Sarajane

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What Sooz said multiplied.

Linda2

((((hugs)))) Being in another country so far away at such a young age is really hard. I know this because I was 15 when I went with my grandparents to Germany for three weeks (right as the Berlin wall was coming down). I loved the trip, but I was also very homesick. I completely understand what your DD is feeling, and am ticked at your mom for being so insensitive. A funny story about that is while I was in Germany, the Berlin wall was coming down, but East Germany still existed, as did East Berlin. I was with my grandparents and the rest of their business group on a day trip to East Berlin. Being the teenager I was, East Berlin bored me to tears, and I really wanted to go back to the hotel in West Berlin and maybe do some shopping. (West Berlin = colorful and fun, East Berlin = gray and depressing at that time. I had no stomach for it that day, because I had seen Dachau, a concentration camp, the day before.) A couple of other ladies from the group wanted the same thing, so Grandma assured me it would be okay to go back with them, and we would meet up later. So two of the ladies and I went back to the border crossing to go back to West Berlin. Only......Grandma had my passport. I spent 3 hours at the border, with all those guards (some pretty cute young ones, too) scared that Grandma would not realize that she had my passport with her. Grandma had even said that they might stay in East Berlin overnight, because they wanted to look at porcelain there. I was freaking out that I would have to stay alone at the border with all those guards and German police. Thankfully, they were getting pretty lenient at that time, and didn't make me go to the police station. Although they talked about it - probably only because they liked to see the young American girl scared out of her mind. :) I think they secretly liked keeping me there, and were disappointed when Grandma finally showed up, camcorder in hand and RECORDING my response to her arriving to save the day. She meant well, and was very sorry she had forgotten the passport. Oh, those were the days. I of course have pieces of the wall that some cute French boys helped me chip off. Teenage girls. Sheesh. :D I am glad you get to see your DD soon, Kathy - give her (((((((hugs))))))) for me! :)

Great news. I know you are both more than ready to be in each other's company again.

Deirdre

If it makes you feel any better at all, my mother is cut from the same cloth. I understand exactly how you feel. {{{{{Kathy}}}}} At least you'll have DD there tomorrow for real hugs!

Cheri (Bubbee to Emily and Nathan)

I was in Germany when the wall was going UP. My family traveled there when I was 5. There were 5 of us under 12, travelling 1/2 fare, with Mom and Dad. It was 1954, and still one hell of a lot of rubble. Actually, the hotel we stayed in was only partly repaired after the bombing.

We also drove on the Autobahn. We stopped one place for gas, and then drove on again. I thought Franky was hiding in the "way back" (behind the second seat of the station wagon). So did everyone else. And they didn't believe me when I said he wasn't there. We finally returned to pick him up, after he had been left with foriegners who couldn't understand him for more than an hour.

Tina

grandparents

unnecessarily.

On Mon, 4 Aug 2003 21:38:44 -0400, Dr. Sooz wrote (in message ):

Me three. I was the kind of kid who cried when I found out that I had to be eight to stay overnight at camp. I spent six weeks in Germany when I was sixteen, and loved every second of it. I was fortunate enough to visit with all my aunts and uncles, as well as a couple of weeks with my grandparents.

Perhaps DD takes after my sister. She would never go to overnight camp, didn't like slumber parties, and never would have dreamed of wandering through Europe by herself. Even now, she will not travel anywhere without her husband.

Kathy N-V

I've been yaking in a few threads, but trying to get some things done too---I'll put up pics after I take a polaroid or two today. I've been making a

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and THEY do NOT. That's the thing to remember; people like Kathy's mom--and mine--*truly* do not really understand other people's feelings, or even that those feelings in fact really exist. Kathy's mama doesn't *get* that her granddaughter's homesickness is a bothersome thing to feel. Its like asking blind people to choose between three shades of blue.... Sarajane

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On Tue, 5 Aug 2003 12:43:47 -0400, Sjpolyclay wrote (in message ):

Ah... you've met her, then?

A lot of the time, I really feel bad for her. Having no empathy for anyone is almost like being blind -- unable to ever understand what anyone is feeling sounds terrible to me. She's forever having personal problems at work, because she doesn't see social cues or understand that people have lives that might intrude on their duties.

Today though, I don't feel bad. I'm still too angry about my DD. That's another thing my mother doesn't get: my kid ranks way higher than my mother in the scheme of things.

Kathy N-V

I found that once I really got it that their blindness is just as real as my ability to visualize, I am not as angry as often with people like that. They aren't just being difficult, they really and truly don;'t get it. Sarajane

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And it's called Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Tina

Wow. THIS I've gotta see...

Deirdre

Good metaphor.

Deirdre

Not only are you loved, you are also a good role model; every time you talk about your daughter, I file it away, thinking, "THAT'S the kind of mom I want to be".