I had a million doctor's appointments this week, and it looks like I finally have a real diagnosis, and _it's something curable!_ The test all indicate kidney stones as the main cause of my pain. I have a CAT scan, some other funky tests and an ultrasound to determine just how big these things are, and how best to have them removed.
There are still all those ruptured disks, but the pain from those is minor in comparison (and can be helped by acupuncture and physical therapy). I will not have further spinal fusion - the recovery time just isn't worth it, and since it's my whole lower back, I'd lose the ability to turn and bend permanently.
Anyhow, I have a lot more reason to feel optimistic than I've had in a long, long time. I'm still a physical wreck, but at least there's a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.
Manda and I were talking last night, and she asked me when I was going to have surgery for the kidney stones. I told her that it was probably going to be sooner, rather than later, probably before Christmas, and maybe even before Halloween.
Her whole face changed, and I realized just how much the "sick Mama" stress has affected my kid. She became so relaxed and relieved, and even more beautiful (in my mind, anyway).
Then she said, "You know, I think I'm the only person who was absolutely sure that you were going to get better. Everyone else thought you were going to keep getting sicker, but I wouldn't let myself think that. I know that you are going to get better - maybe not enough to go back to work, but enough that we can visit Oma and Opa next summer. But you aren't allowed to go without me!"
I almost cried. She's right - even I was losing faith. Once again, I got a beautiful glimpse of the formidable woman she's becoming. I love that kid so much, and I know she's going to change the world.
Kathy N-V