Re: Healthy Parenting

In some of her later books, Miller goes on to describe discipline as a sort of negation of the natural (God made, perfect?) child, as abuse. This first book doesn't go that far into her theory, but be aware that she uses the term to mean something different than I, and maybe you, would mean. Don't let the word interfere with the very good message she gives.

Tina

No beads for a WEEK?!?! How is that possible? :( You poor soul.

Love is the backbone of raising a child, along with respect. They go hand in hand. It does seem odd that would be left out. After you read the book would you let us know if you felt it was assumed that love was part of the process? My parenting philosophy is exactly the same as yours. I try to teach respect for others at the same time. Easy enough, eh? LOL Diana

Love, respect and unconditional acceptance of the child *as the child is*, is the heart of her message.

By the way, the book was originally titled Prisoners of Childhood (in German).

Tina

On Mon, 28 Jul 2003 11:59:51 -0400, Christina Peterson wrote (in message ):

Well, duh. It has to be *as is,* since that's the way they are. You can't change other people, and really, why would you try? Their innate personality is what it is. DD is a velcro child, and always has been. It was an adjustment for me, because I'm nothing like that; but I see no reason to try and change such things. If you raise a child with love, respect and acceptance; they're going to be good people regardless.

Oh yes, I guess my daughter is having a little bit of difficulty in Germany. She just emailed me to ask the translation of "I'm thirteen, not three!" :-0 Bet my mother's asking her if she needs to go potty or some such. (She did that to me when I was in my thirties at a family reunion.)

Hmmm. I may end up buying it in the German as well, to see if the messages changed during the translation. Sometimes, it's amazing how different the books end up when they go from one language to another. From what I see, the German style of parenting is completely different than the US style, so I suspect the message may have been changed a bit to reflect that.

Will do.

Actually, I don't think it's hard to teach respect for others. If a child is treated with the respect due any person, they internalize that message and treat other people accordingly.

One thing I want to make clear is that although we treat the kids with respect and love, this is not a democracy. I'm still the Mama, and there are times when what I say, goes. I try to explain my reasoning behind my decisions, but I do make it clear that if I say something, I expect to be obeyed. (There are very few "rules" in our house, but being kind to everyone else is the biggie)

Kathy N-V

It was primarily the German/European parenting styles she was disagreeing with. And of course, it was written quite a while ago. In that time and place, there was much more of an emphasis on "properly" raising a child, toward the image society had of a "proper" child. I think she goes too far in later books, as if it's bad to ever criticize or punish children. Sometimes one is inclined to take an equally distant stand from middle ground, in order to be heard.

One of the reasons children are often not accepted as they are, is that parents can't imagine a child's thinking and innate values, being so different from their own. They can't imagine that anyone can be that way and so just cannot see what their children are. As a minority "type" and being at the far end of a couple of traits, I've always had to stretch my thinking to interact and accept others, to the point that it comes naturally. I didn't understand until I studied personalities, that most people never develope that trait, or have to.

Tina

I think so too. It's interesting that she works hard in each book to refine her theories-- which I agree with for the most part-- but I think she gets a bit bogged down at the extreme end in this regard. I appreciate her basic message, though.

True. It could be said that you can take an extreme stand, and hopefully the compromise ends up somewhere closer to the center. (This coming from someone who despises extremism, mind you :)

I think it's also worth reminding ourselves here that the book was suggested as a means for the adults speaking in the former thread to gain some greater clarity with regard to how *their own parents treated them*, not as a handbook for raising their children.

While it can serve as this, too-- or at least as food for thought in this regard-- the real value in it, for me-- as a person without children-- was in learning more about what motivated my own parents and why I had a hard time processing so many of these feelings from my own childhood. That is why I voiced my own endorsement of it in that thread.

Laura