OT: "How are you?"

I don't think people really have the time to hear whether or not you're really fine. I give a token fine to people I know don't want to hear my story. To friends and family I give the "real" response and know they'll inquire to why I'm not "fine."

So, don't take it personally just talk to the people you know are interested. Like us! I don't think it's your area although I'm not that far away geographically... NoCal.

How are you? Really! I'm interested. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Do you feel like talking about it? I know it was an accident. What happened?

To my post, Lynne responded:

This was someone who is a warm, caring person. And tho I knew she was busy at the time, I didn't expect that response from her. Wasn't expecting her to sit down & ask me to go into detail, but didn't think she was one who expected "fine" no matter how I felt.

Thanks, Lynne. I think I have the basics of the story right (tho I was in shock when her husband told me, so some details might've escaped me). Haven't wanted to ask more yet, since it's hard enough for me to imagine; couldn't conceive of talking about it yet if I'd actually been there.

My friend & her husband of over 20 years had been shopping & came home. I'm assuming the van was loaded with their purchases. My friend had a brittle bone condition, was a little over 3' tall & used a wheelchair to get around. I'm guessing her husband was either sitting in the middle part of the van or had gotten something out & had put the lift down, then maybe gone around to the back of the van. My friend transferred from the driver's seat to her wheelchair & instead of turning around (that's what makes me think they had the middle part of the van full of purchases -- there might not have been room) to go out on the ramp forward, she backed onto the lift. Only the lift wasn't up at floor level. I don't know if it was partway up or all the way down on the ground, but it was down enough to tip the heavy electric wheelchair & she hit either the lift or the ground, suffering massive head trauma. She didn't have a chance.

It was a stupid accident that didn't have to happen. If he'd put the lift up all the way or if she'd turned around & looked first, it wouldn't have happened. She would've been the first to say it was a dumb move on her part not to make sure the lift was up.

The day before she died we were talking about future projects we'd work on together & what she wanted to do when she retired. We had so many things left to do, so many experiences left to share.

I've had the good fortune to have two "best friends" in my adult life (tho she & I considered each other sisters) & now both are gone (the first in our early

Jeez, how do older folks deal with losing friend after friend? Tho it's more "expected" when one gets into their 80s & 90s, I'm guessing that doesn't make it easier.

Don't take your friends or family for granted, folks. There's no guarantee they'll be there tomorrow. And if there's anyone important to you that you've lost contact with (or deliberately don't speak to) take a minute to reevaulate how you'd feel if you lost them & it was too late to connect with them again.

Thanks for asking, Lynne.

Alicia

Alicia -- I took the time to listen. I can't say I know exactly what you are going through, but I know the helpless feeling when a friend hurts and you can't fix it.

Sending lots of bug swishy hugs to you. I'll keep you and your friend in my prayers.

-- Amy Springboro, OH

Oh Alicia. That's so sad to hear of the way she died. I feel sorry for her husband. I'm sure he's feeling terrible at the moment. Sometimes things happen and we just don't understand why.

I know what you mean on when people ask how you are doing. They ask, but do they really want to know? I think its just natural to ask that. Especially friends and family. But I think its weird when you are at work. Someone calls. Usually a salesman trying to sell you something and they ask "How are you". You say fine. Sometimes I just want to say...Do you really want to know. I'm having a bad day. Then you go on and ramble for 5 minutes. I bet they would have the shock of their life. They don't care how you are doing. Sorry I'm rambling.

I also think its great that you are able to tell us how you feel. That's what I love about this group. I know we are a scrapbook group, but I've come to acknowledge that this a great group of friends. And we do care. So thanks for sharing how you are feeling. I know I would be so upset if anything happened to my best friend. Keep in touch and talk it you need to. That's what we are here for.

Big Hugs!!

Alicia, I am so sorry for you. Frankly, I don't ask a person how are you, unless I want to know the answer and I guess a person can tell because it doesn't matter where I am when I do ask, the person will tell me. At first it drove my DH crazy cause we would be sitting in a restaurant and I would ask the waiter or waitress, and how are YOU, and they would tell me how they stubbed their toe or missed the bus or whatever and I would listen. So I am glad that you shared what happened with us cause I would have asked, how are You, Alicia. But I would have asked only if I wanted to know. Somewhere along the way, just as you have, I learned how lightly that expression was taken and I stopped asking, unless I wanted to know, or felt the person needed to share. Now when I feel the person asking the question isn't interested in an answer, I simply say, fine, thanks for asking. It's not a problem, I don't even think they realize they haven't been asked, cause they weren't really asking the question, they were just using it to start a superficial conversation.

It is rare when you are in your teens, 20s, 30s,40s, 50s, 60s and perhaps even 70s that the death of a friend or family member doesn't seem senseless. And I think the yournger you are, the harder it is to cope with. When I was in my early twenties and planning my wedding, in the space of 3 days, one bridesmaid lost her father, another her mother and I found out my brother who lived across the atlantic from me had just been paralysed. All of this happened within 6 months of my dad dying and 12 months of my grandmother passing away. I was crushed. A few years later, one of my dearest friends died in a car accident when he was 25. He had his 18 month old son with him who survived, but was trapped in the car with his dead dad and a broken ankle for 45 minutes in the dark. The day after he died, his wife found out she was pregnant. He was the most wonderful person and all I can say is that God needed him more than we did. In the past 3 years, I have lost a number o f people I was close to and some that I wish I could have been closer to, including my brother. It is hard and it is sad. But it is saddest for us, they I truly believe, are in a better place. So now I try to celebrate life, mine, yours and the life of those I loved or cared for that have gone on. Like you, I have learned the importance of celebrating life now, today and not putting off till tomorrow expressing my love for my family and friends.

Alicia, if I could be there with you, I'd give you the biggest hug, take you by the hand and sit you down and ask you to tell me all about what made your friend special and what she did to make YOU feel special. What did she do to make you laugh? And how would she want you to celebrate her beautiful, wonderful life. I can't be there with you, but I'd still like to hear, if you'd like to share. I am so sorry for your loss, and my heart goes out to her husband. I hope that he will be OK in time. I am sure she would want him to be, she sounds like a great woman.

I'll keep all three of you in my prayers, and ask her to help you all find the joy in her life, rather than hold on to the sadness of her passing. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

M-C

"shannon" wrote in message news:cuajv5$edt$ snipped-for-privacy@mailhub227.itcs.purdue.edu...

I too, stopped asking how people how they were unless I was going to take the time to really find out. For a greeting I usually say hello and comment on the weather. Years ago when I had 2 deaths in the family within a month. One a horrendous end to 2 years of cancer and the other a simple surgery that went awry. I had a son who had just started Kindergarten and a 2 year that was literally climbing the walls. I felt terrible and overwhelmed. People would ask how I was and I'd say, "Crappy." And they'd say either, "I'm sorry to hear that" or worse "that's nice", because they didn't really hear what I said. I experimented and said exactly how I felt and no one really wanted to truly know how I was. So, I decided that if I didn't want to know how someone was I wasn't going to ask anymore.

I did another experiment last year at the grocery store. The cashier always asks "Did you find everything you were looking for?" I always say yes even though most of the time it's no. So, I thought what are they going to do hold up the line to find my item? So, when Vern asked for the millionth time I said, "No, I didn't find everything I was looking for." He said, "I'm sorry to hear that." He didn't miss a beat and kept on scanning my groceries. I almost burst into laughter. So, everytime I was at the grocery store and they asked if I found everything I'd say no and started to add what the item was that I couldn't find. Only once did a female cashier actually send some a bagger to get what I didn't find. So, I guess it's their version of "How are you?"

Lynne

I am so sorry for all your losses.

It might be the New York'er in me but when someone asks how I am and I'm feeling really bad but don't want to share I tend to say "I'm feeling lousy but thanks for asking." If they push the issue, I just say "thanks but I really don't want to talk about it, what's new with you."

I know what it is like to lose someone dear to me. When I was 15 my friend (and first crush) was murdered by someone he thought was a friend. Although it was 21 years ago it still stings. In 2001, I lost my brother-in-law's dad to cancer, my beloved grandmother, then 9-11 happened (and I thought I was a widow until my husband called), and we lost my husband's Uncle to a heart attack (for which his daughter did CPR but couldn't revive him), then I lost my job and then went into a deep depression for which I'm still digging out of.

Each one of us here are sending our positive thoughts and energy to you. I'm sending you hugs and a box of Kleenex. There is nothing wrong with saying in response to "how are you doing" "lousy, it's been a bad month." Honesty is the best policy. A true friend will understand, a new friend will give you respect, and a colleague will back off.

xoxoxoxox Kate

Hi Alicia, First, let me say how sorry I am about the loss of your friend. It's always hard, because good friends are few and far between. I don't think that people really listen to what you answer to the pat question," how are you?" It's just a greeting or closure, like hello and good bye. Sometimes you feel like saying, "do you really want to know?" I do think that it is a social thing. Your close relationships will listen and care and that is what counts. Hope your day is good today. Jan

That's funny Lynne. I feel the same way about the grocery store. They always ask that. I've wondered what they would say if I said no. I'll have to try that next time and see what happens.

I would like to echo the sentiments that everyone who responded here has said. There is now way for me say any more eloquantly or heartfelt than the wonderful people here.

Sometimes losing a friend is harder than family, because people expect you to grieve a time for family (wear black, be off work, etc...) but for friends, I guess people assume that we don't get as close-- even though it's much closer in many cases. Everyone in this *room* is standing with you and and behind. Know that you have friends all over the world who are willing, at the drop of an email or even phonecall, to sit and talk and even cry with you. Basically, although most people in the world are caring and good, most are too busy to stop and notice anything outside their own problems.

Theresa in IL

It might be the New York'er in me but when someone asks how I am and I'm feeling really bad but don't want to share I tend to say "I'm feeling lousy but thanks for asking." If they push the issue, I just say "thanks but I really don't want to talk about it, what's new with you."

I know what it is like to lose someone dear to me. When I was 15 my friend (and first crush) was murdered by someone he thought was a friend. Although it was 21 years ago it still stings. In 2001, I lost my brother-in-law's dad to cancer, my beloved grandmother, then 9-11 happened (and I thought I was a widow until my husband called), and we lost my husband's Uncle to a heart attack (for which his daughter did CPR but couldn't revive him), then I lost my job and then went into a deep depression for which I'm still digging out of.

Each one of us here are sending our positive thoughts and energy to you. I'm sending you hugs and a box of Kleenex. There is nothing wrong with saying in response to "how are you doing" "lousy, it's been a bad month." Honesty is the best policy. A true friend will understand, a new friend will give you respect, and a colleague will back off.

xoxoxoxox Kate

I know what you are talking about. I'm sorry that you feel that way. It's true people ask "How are you" without really thinking or caring about what you are really feeling and they don't really want to take the time to find out or listen to what you are feeling or thinking. I call those relationships "On the top" . It's not a deep relationship. It's okay to just answer okay to them and then talk to your good friends and family about your real feelings. I hope you start to feel better soon.

I haven't lived > OK, is it just me, or when people ask "How are you?" do they only want a

M-C, Thank you. You put into words what many people, including myself can not. My grandparents raised my. Growing up and living in a house with an elderly extended family was definitely an experience. From the age of 8 to 10 I lost my grandfather, great-grandmother and great-auint. We all lived together and I watched my great-aunt and grandfather die of cancer (liver and lung) in the early 60's when death was the only ease of pain from cancer. I didn't cry for them until I was 36. The family thought it was best that I not attend the funeral - bad move. It gave me no closure. When I was 36 we lost my nephew who was the same age as my two oldest. My sister (a single mom with two younger children still at home) fell apart and I handled most of the arrangements. It was the first time I had to handle funeral arrangements, and the first time I had stepped foot in a funeral home. At the cemetery after the services it hit me. He was buried in the family plot. My two teens and I sat in the cemetery after everyone else was gone and talked and cried together. I was finally able to put words and emotions to grief. That helped so much. The hurt is still there, but it helped us cope as we lost my grandmother a year later and the year after that my son's best frined was shot in the back and died in his arms.

When my father-in-law died four years ago some well-meaning relative told my son, then age 3 1/2 that grandpa was just asleep. I had to correct them in front of my son immediately. I later let them know that I did not want my child to be afraid to go to sleep for fear he would never wake up nor did I want him to fear being buried in a casket while sleeping. Sandy

And right you were to correct them right away, Sandy. I'm not sure why people use that euphemism. They probably never give a thought to the explanation you just gave of how scared it can make a child to go to sleep.

I'm so sorry for your loss! Friends-good ones are hard to find. I just found out that one of my close friends is dying of an incurable lung condition. The doctors can't tell her how long she has, how fast it will progress or anything. I was in a serious car accident awhile back and found the same thing. Most people just say how are you out of habit not because they care. I've often thought thet when the next person asks I will say I'm dying from cancer and see what they say! Again my heart and prayers go out to you!!! Barb:o)

Alicia, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. No matter how old we get it doesn't make it an easier when we loss a love one. I normally only ask people how there doing when I have a moment to actually listen to what they have to say. Some people aren't so open about their feelings so when you ask how are they doing they so okay or so so or terrible etc. in hopes you go the extra step to find out whats wrong and sometimes people just need to talk and let their feelings out. I know from experience people have asked how am I and I say terrible and they say thats great have a nice day. They didn't even hear what I said they were just being polite. I know I'm fairly new here but if you need to chat I'm here for you. I know how it feels to lose someone close to. To be honest and pardon the language but it sucks. But I can tell you the pain never goes away nor do the memories but the days will get easier, trust me.

Chrissy

Oh Alicia, that is so tragic and sad. But with her hardships in life, SHE WAS blessed to have special people like YOU around. As a result I have found in life from the loss of friends that I knew, it is always those that the Lord takes so suddenly and tradically. Those that so deserve to BE HERE to enlighten others and show their love, trust and true beauty go on to be in a better pace.

My sincere thoughts are with you Alicia and hope that YOU KNOW WE are here as a true, understanding family of close friends!!!!

{{{HUGS}}}

nada for 05 (unless making a ton of mosiac strips and organizing counts!)

OKC Dave

Thanks.

But, in my case, it didn't get that far. She just seemed surprised that I didn't answer "I'm fine." (or something to that effect).

Alicia

Shannon responded:

Definitely. And he's never lived on his own (had roommates in college & married soon after), so I hope he'll be OK as a "bachelor". He's got good friends closer (geographically) than I am, so he has support.

Ain't that the truth!

I would've expected the reaction I got from a more casual acquaintance. I just expected more from this person based on our past history.

Yeah, I'd "had it" when a co-worker in one of our branches responded something like "oh, it can't be that bad" when I answered that I was having a bad day to his "how are you?" question a few days after my friend's accident. I told him (in a nutshell) what happened. That got his attention. *Maybe* he'll be more sensitive in the future (won't hold my breath, tho).

to acknowledge that this a great group of friends. And we

it you need to. That's what we are here for.

Thanks, Shannon, & everyone here, for your support. The one mutual friend who'd known her almost as long as I have doesn't seem to want to talk much about it. More than a comment or two from me & he changes the subject (in IM). There are times I need to talk about it & I'm sure many of those I'd usually talk to are wishing I'd drop the subject.

Alicia