Marriage counseling made my Ex try to change. As he made small (but beneficial) changes, I realized something really important -- I didn't love him anymore.
Do you still love him, or have you lost all respect for him? If you don't respect someone, it's nearly impossible to rekindle love. ~~ Sooz To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong. ~~Joseph Chilton Pearce
Amy,
My heart is breaking to think of you having to go thru all of this. Nothing I can say or do will make your situation any easier. I can tell you that you are not alone. I understand the need to stick with your vows even if he isn't. My ex-husband used to physically and emotionally abuse me and I put up with it because I thought I could make it work. I couldn't. And it took me years to accept the fact that it wasn't something *I* did.
You will have to figure out whether you want this man in your life. Is he capable of changing? If not, can you accept that? Do you really want to?
You have some tough decisions to make for yourself. And please, please, please, don't "stay together for the children"! Take Cheryl's advice - talk to an attorney. I think you need to find out what your rights are in your state. And know that there are many of us here for you to talk to. One day your life will seem brighter and when it is, we'll be here to share your joys as well.
No I don't right now. I don't have any feelings for him. I like him as a friend, but not a husband. That is one of my hard parts that I am trying to get over. But if he showed me he can manage some amount of responsibility other feelings might come back.
respect someone, it's nearly impossible to rekindle love.<
This is sooooo true! The day I caught myself rolling my eyes when he tried to 'explain' his latest failure to do something, and kept muttering stuff like "right, asshole" under my breath, I knew we were done.
Now, with Mike, there are definitely times we disagree, but we disagree as two adults who love and respect each other. If he makes a decision without me, it's usually because he knows what my input is going to be ahead of time. We argue, but it's always in a "nice" way. What a difference to be with someone I can respect and trust!
KarenK
OK. Try:
galdi AT pineland DOT net
That's net, instead com. That's my personal email address (net), vs. my business address (com). I live in south Georgia in the middle of nowhere. We've got on ISP here, and we just have to put up with it ;-)
La Grange would be a great place to live.
And the contract is definitely broken. Make a list, two actually. On one side list everything good he brings to the relationship. On the other, everything negative. Your answer will be obvious shortly. You can do it alone if you need to. Just remember, your daughter is learning what men are all about from your husband. She is learning what to expect from marriage from the two of you. Scary thought, eh? If he will go to counseling with you, give it a try. If he won't, find a support group for single moms and join. Good luck. There's a better man waiting for you. If your husband won't become that man, someone else will.
On Wed, 22 Sep 2004 15:37:41 -0400, Barbara Otterson wrote (in message ):
Going alone isn't the big deal it's often made out to be. I started supporting my mother and siblings when I was fifteen, and you don't get a lot less experience than that. Somehow, it all worked out.
During many periods of time, I supported Bob and Manda, and for the year or so it took for my disability to kick in, he supported the three of us. It's not fun, but you manage. (and now my practical side kicks in) If you feel even a little religious, join a church today. They can be of immeasurable help when/if you end up on your own, and you will have a nice group of people to pal around with. (I've yet to see a church that only wants to see you on Sunday morning and that's it)
Fortunately, you have a little time on your side. Get some job skills and education now. (If you can operate Microsoft Office well, you aren't going to starve - it's not like winning the lottery, but there are almost always temp jobs open for folks with Office skills.) Open a bank account in your own name, and get some credit in your own name if you can. If you don't drive, learn. If you do, make sure that your car is in decent shape. All this will make your life, whether on your own or not, a whole lot better. Get counseling, either alone or with your husband (if he won't go, go alone). Just knowing that you can be independent is often the kick in the pants that some men need.
If you are close to your family, and they live a distance away, think about moving closer to them. Nothing beats a supportive family in times of trouble. It would be better for your little girl, too - if she has to leave her father, she is going to need all the loving family she can get. Doting grandparents fill the bill perfectly.
You have my empathy, sympathy and respect. It's not easy, but I have confidence in you. Stick around, we'll be here for as long as you need us.
Hugs,
Kathy N-V
vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from "Karen_AZ" :
]The day I caught myself rolling my eyes when he tried ]to 'explain' his latest failure to do something, and kept muttering stuff ]like "right, asshole" under my breath, I knew we were done.
the night i dreamed 'the shortest way to a man's heart is between the third and fourth ribs' i knew it was time to call it done.
Exactly. I know DD could not have done it without her Daddy's financial help. She tried to move in with me, but the courts stopped her from taking the kids out of state. I still helped every way I could, of course, but I don't have the financial resources of my ex. And I had to call and remind him of that a couple of times. That's why he and I are still friends, because he takes care of his kids. 8-)
Cheri (Bubbee to Emily and Nathan)
Ok, I know it's not funny, but ROTFLMAO!
Tink Check here for available work:
vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from Tinkster :
]Ok, I know it's not funny, but ROTFLMAO!
honey, if i couldn't laugh about it once in a while, i'd cut my own throat!
OMTP - I thought it was hilarious!
Cheri (Bubbee to Emily and Nathan)
the night i dreamed 'the shortest way to a man's heart is between the third and fourth ribs' i knew it was time to call it done.>
Yep - friend at work has the following coffee cup.
DIVORCE.... the LEGAL ALTERNATIVE TO AXE MURDER Cheryl DRAGON BEADS Flameworked beads and glass
Thanks Marisa. I have started giving him an allowance of $200 for the entire month for food at work, gas money, and whatever he wants>
Amy -- not a good idea
It would be better WEEKLY..... for starters -- then two weeks - then a month.. he needs to learn in small steps....
but - you still need to find the counseling - or a "spender's anonymous"
Cheryl DRAGON BEADS Flameworked beads and glass
We have an atty here in the So Cal area who sez:
Marriage is grand,
divorce is FORTY grand!!!
The Blessed Fiddy, Patroness Saint of the Disorganized LC in Sunny So Cal Personality Development Specialist (Full-Time Mom!)
WELL if he hasn't opened them yet
FIRST LESSON -- make him RETURN THEM NOW!!!!
If he has opened them -- TAKE THEM AWAY FROM HIM..
just like you would a child - do not let him profit from this manipulation.
Cheryl DRAGON BEADS Flameworked beads and glass
And remember. It doesn't get better. If someone is told to straighten up or leave, and they continue to be abusive and neglectful, they are not going to get better later. Give a grace period for a partner to learn his new role, or to see if his accommodation is sincere or just part of the abuse, apology, OK time, and abuse again. But if things and attitudes don't improve they WILL get worse. Sometimes they even get worse while appearing to improve. Sometimes abuse goes "underground". The hitting stops but emotional and psychological terrorism are even worse.
I escaped abuse. It took several tries, desperation, a women's shelter, etc. I got away from my abuser, then worked with a psychologist from community mental health. I regained my self, what Pete calls "my power". After working for 3 or 4 years, I married Pete and am now living happily ever after.
Remember that the most important thing a person can do for their marriage (or other) is to be the very best and strongest person they can be.
Tina
"He just looks for quick fixes and never really tries to actually fix the problem." This reminds me so much of my drinking days. Damage control. Crisis management. Also typical of men with Co-Dependence.
"I wanted to get married to have someone take care of me. I want a partner to help me. Not someone I have to babysit." I have to tell you, Amy, both of these statements are the epitome of Co-Dependence. Please look at this issue. I don't know if it applies to you or your husband or not. Look at some of the books by Anne Wilson Schaef; about the extended dynamics of Co-Dependence, and Behaviour Addiction. Or my favourite, Facing Codependence by Pia Melody.
My experience has been that we all have to take care of and help our own selves, our own frame of mind, etc. And we have to be honest and generous and giving to our partner. But, ALWAYS we must do this with respect for our selves! And this must be done reciprocally. Without mutual respect this won't work. And sometime, even with all the respect and love, things still won't work.
I believe the best thing you can do is to regain your power, whether you stay together or separate. I also recommend martial arts as a way to regain your own power and self-confidence.
Tina
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