OT- About me and Husband - Long

Being as he's a Texan, my first and last guest would be National Rifle Assoc.

Tina

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from "Jalynne" :

]You can in CA if it's a no-fault divorce, and there are no custody issues, I think. ]At least that's the way it was several years ago when a friend of mine did it. ]Maybe the laws have changed recently, but this is what I remember.

yes, you can. i'm just afraid of screwing it up. royally.

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from "Helen C" :

]But, that's what a bone saw's for! Little pieces are easier to carry. And ]LOTS and LOTS of heavy duty trash bags.

**chuckle** well, he's safe now. which is probably a good thing. on some levels, he really is a nice guy. but his 'push/pull' drove me nuts and we just could NOT live together.

No. I went to a small lawyer, but she only had to draw up simple "irreconcilable differences" papers. We'd worked out custody ourselves, already handled child support and insurance coverage for the kids, and had very little property to divide, which we did ourselves.

Mike went to a paralegal for pretty much the same reasons. No kids, they worked out settling the house and debts on their own (small miracle, but it got done). The paralegal drew up standard forms, filled in the blanks with the right answers, and Mike filed them at the courthouse himself. Took about

45 minutes start to finish.

KarenK

Nonsense. You have lots of real friends here.

Remember? Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

I shop the way you do. I only slow down and browse when I'm in a book store. I do the girly shopping thing on occasion with my older sister, but she shops like I do, so our mall trips are generally short, unless it's post breakup shopping, in which case we take longer. When her boyfriend left her a few months ago, we spent a while just wandering from store to store so she could do the whole retail therapy thing and have time to bitch about him.

My boyfriend and I don't go shopping together very often. But he's pretty much the same way about shopping as I am. Go in, acquire object, leave.

-Amber.

I thought it did, I shoot a fair bit of metallic silhouette. I don't know if DH has uploaded any recent photos but Joshua is nearly 15 months old and still just as cute, but getting more mischievious(sp) every day.

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from "Karen_AZ" :

]Mike went to a paralegal for pretty much the same reasons. No kids, they ]worked out settling the house and debts on their own (small miracle, but it ]got done). The paralegal drew up standard forms, filled in the blanks with ]the right answers, and Mike filed them at the courthouse himself. Took about ]45 minutes start to finish.

i have the name of a paralegal now. i'm calling her on Monday.

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from "JoAnn Paules" :

]Nonsense. You have lots of real friends here. ] ]Remember? Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

**grin** true. but they're spread out all over the world at this point. the closest i know of are 90 miles away.

I bet he is just as cute. It's too bad they grow so fast. I would have kelp my boys 5 years old if I could. I always wanted to get into the silhouettes. I just indoor target shoot. My brother is into all of the NRA stuff.

Scott

Sorry to hear this. Do what is best for DD and you.

> >

Sh*t. This is a much worse problem, in my mind, than any of the money stuff. Money is replacable, a marriage really isn't. The ignoring and hiding behind the electronics is the part that frightens me.

I don't know if you know, but Bob and I were separated for a year, and his withdrawing (to the computer and TV) was the first scary sign. The second was that he was at work all the time. We couldn't talk about anything. No arguing - just no communicating.

That concerns me as well. I don't consider money out of our family budget to be "stolen" by either one of us. OTOH, Bob's parents handled their money rather like we do: the wife gets it all and uses it for bill paying. The husband gets an allowance. So Bob expected the same thing once we married.

I was seriously against this whole scheme. (Bob went to college for accounting - you'd think he'd be good at bill paying) It turned out that I am much better at it, because of my computer skills. I wrote programs to remind about the bills and the bank balance, and as soon as automatic bill payment was invented, I switched to that.

A guy working full time with a stay at home spouse normally expects this. Certainly when Bob was a stay at home spouse, he did all that stuff. (I was never a stay at home wife until I got sick. I can't do that stuff) If you need him to pitch in, and with a three year old I can certainly see why, you're going to have to negotiate it, and probably remind him daily until he starts working on auto-pilot.

You keep separate budgets? You support yourself and your child, and your husband (who makes most of the money, from what you imply) only takes care of himself? 'Scuse me? There's something wrong with that picture.

Then don't let him manage it. People who can't handle money rarely reform.

For three months he received a bonus over $1000 He has been lying

Did he really get a bonus, or was he just taking money from the savings for toys? Have you considered a savings account that requires both signatures to make withdrawals? Or one in your name alone - don't know if that will fly, but if you make it a condition of handling money, it might. Give him a generous allowance for his hobbies, but a smaller amount than he's spending now. I suspect you won't be pinching pennies for long - if one person is a spender, they often spend more than they make.

If you decide you want to do that, let me know. I can help you set it up on auto-pilot. Bob's check goes into my checking account via direct deposit, and I deposit my disability check there as well. I pay all the bills, and give Bob a very generous allowance. All the bills are set up for auto-pay, and it takes me a whole ten minutes a week to sort the transactions for the end of the year budget.

If you really feel that way, start getting your ducks in a row. Squirrel away as much money as you can, because you're going to need it to get started again. See an attorney - you want to protect your daughter and your business, and you want child support auto-deducted from his pay. If you make more than your husband (I did - a lot more), you want to make darned sure that you don't end up having to pay spousal support.

This has been going on a lot longer than 25 days. You may have started considering divorce for only 25 days, but I tend to believe it's been pretty bad for a lot longer than that. It really sounds like you have made a final decision, if only because your posting never mentions that you love your husband or that you have any respect for him.

If that is the case, you aren't doing anyone any favors by staying together. You won't be happy, your husband won't be happy, and it can't be good for your little girl to live with parents that don't love and respect one another and are always fighting about money.

Amy, we wish you the best. Do what you need to do - if you can get couple's counseling, that's great. If not, well, I think you have your answer. You'll get love and support here no matter what you decide is the best decision for all of you.

Kathy N-V

Grow fast, you're not kidding! At 14 months he was mistaken for 18 months to 2 years old, when he was born he was only 7 pound 7 ounces and 21 inches long but he's always had long feet. ATM he's somewhere in between size 1 and 2 so I've made him some pants and shorts that fit.

Metallic silhouette is fun, I only shoot out to 100m but my father shoots out to 200m - with pistols.

Ohhhhhh I bet that felt GOOD!

KarenK >

You just don't know how good... LOLOLOL

Cheryl DRAGON BEADS Flameworked beads and glass

"I don't mind doing most of the house work, but what does get me angry from time to time is that I would spend 20-30min picking up toys and putting them away when DD would go to bed and he would sit there and play games the whole time ignoring me. Never offering to help. Or I would be folding clothes at night when we are watching TV together and again never offering to help. I would always have to ask then it would become some kind of aurgument. If he would help. We could get the job done so much quicker and we would both have time to do other things."

"We do keep separate budgets because I didn't want all the bounced checks he used to get affect me. Most of the things we have are in my name because I had better credit in the begining. He takes care of all the big stuff - house payment - electric - cable - gas - phone and other. I take care of smaller items and the grocery bill and things me and DD need. "

"Yes he did get a bonus. I saw it go into hi account. We are trying out a new system of allowance. Where I give him $200.00 for the month for gas, food and whatever else he wants. If this doesn't work, I will give him $50.00 a week. "

"Thanks. He already has everything set up to do online banking so I am just going to take that over. He also has direct deposit. I will be taking over this process now. He has given me all of his credit cards and he has started on his allowance for this month. And is doing well."

If you make more than your husband (I did - a lot

"Texas does not really have allomony unless you have children."

"Yes this has been going on for about 3 years. But I have really been thinking about it since September 1. We are starting to work things out. I am gaining more respect for him with this new system we have. I keep talking to him about it. Sometimes he gets mad that we are talking about it, and I remind him that it is not going to go away. I may never stop talking about it because this is something we need to address on an ongoing basis. (not argue, but discuss) He needs to make some decisions and also needs to know when to ask for help. (That is the part that makes me mad) He would rather go on living a lie and deceiving me and feeling bad the whole time. Instead of coming to me and telling me what he did and asking for help. I told him yes I would have gotten angry, but if you are asking for help we can work through things. I feel like have always been the one trying to work at this marriage and he is just along for the ride. I also told him Marriage is hard. I am going to say things he doesn't want to hear and vice versa. But it is a compromise. If he truly wants to be with me and DD he has to work at it and not take us for granite that we are always going to be here. Because I can leave right now and not take anything in my house except for DD things. I think that also scared him a little."

"He has been working really hard these past couple of weeks. He has done the dishes, folded laundry, helping get the house ready for company. And now working to mark all of the items for the garage sale this weekend. All with out asking!"

-Amy

I hope the allowance is CASH. DH does his best when we had the budget but he kept using the debit or credit card and not keeping track and getting confused. When he gets confused he gets defensive. We just switched to cash and we shall see but I think it will work better for both of us.

BTW I am doing the same budget. It is not a punishment for him. It is a family budget. We discuss things that are hard for BOTH of us, not just something I am laying on him as a guilty party. (Luckily I have a year of extreem bead-buying to look back on. Now the beads have their own account. Jewelry money goes in, bead money goes out (and sometimes charity or whatever). It does not touch our family budget at all). Similarly, when he sells stuff on Amazon he gets that money for whatever special purposes he wants (like a new printer).

One thing that I struggle with is having these discussions too much. (Not that we are at a divorce stage or anything, but my tendency to dwell on these problems turns in to a tendency to nag and also a tendency to try to have "serious" discussions so often that the end up seeming like either nagging or personal assaults on him). If you have these discussions too much 1) it will just make him feel worse about himself, which ironically enough will make the undersired behaviors come back with a vengence and/or 2) he will just start to tune it out.

So I know that you are upset, but I would suggest you try to limit the number of these discussions, and limit the topics to ones you REALLY care about. If he drops a sock while folding laundry or forgets one of the new things he is doing, DON'T give him the "Marriage is hard" talk.

Also, I really really hope this isn't all phrazed as an assault against him. I know you are mad at him, but Marriage Is Hard goes for both of you and you have to show him you are trying too. I know you feel you've been doing that over years but I know one thing that DH hates is when I bring things up from years ago. It took me a long while to realize why. There is nothing he can DO about what happened in the past, so he feels like I am just hurtling obstacles at him that we all know are impossible from the start. We had much happier and more productive discussions when it was both of us TOGETHER figuring out what the problem and sollutions were. Sure, he would tend to get confused and let me lead some of the time (ADD) but I would make sure it was still a group desision, and when I bring up problems I try to bring up problems I am having wtih stuff I did at leats half of the time.

not sure if that all makes sense...hope some of it is useful to you.

marisa2

I hope the allowance is CASH. DH does his best when we had the budget but he kept using the debit or credit card and not keeping track and getting confused. When he gets confused he gets defensive. We just switched to cash and we shall see but I think it will work better for both of us.

BTW I am doing the same budget. It is not a punishment for him. It is a family budget. We discuss things that are hard for BOTH of us, not just something I am laying on him as a guilty party. (Luckily I have a year of extreem bead-buying to look back on. Now the beads have their own account. Jewelry money goes in, bead money goes out (and sometimes charity or whatever). It does not touch our family budget at all). Similarly, when he sells stuff on Amazon he gets that money for whatever special purposes he wants (like a new printer).

One thing that I struggle with is having these discussions too much. (Not that we are at a divorce stage or anything, but my tendency to dwell on these problems turns in to a tendency to nag and also a tendency to try to have "serious" discussions so often that the end up seeming like either nagging or personal assaults on him). If you have these discussions too much 1) it will just make him feel worse about himself, which ironically enough will make the undersired behaviors come back with a vengence and/or 2) he will just start to tune it out.

So I know that you are upset, but I would suggest you try to limit the number of these discussions, and limit the topics to ones you REALLY care about. If he drops a sock while folding laundry or forgets one of the new things he is doing, DON'T give him the "Marriage is hard" talk.

Also, I really really hope this isn't all phrazed as an assault against him. I know you are mad at him, but Marriage Is Hard goes for both of you and you have to show him you are trying too. I know you feel you've been doing that over years but I know one thing that DH hates is when I bring things up from years ago. It took me a long while to realize why. There is nothing he can DO about what happened in the past, so he feels like I am just hurtling obstacles at him that we all know are impossible from the start. We had much happier and more productive discussions when it was both of us TOGETHER figuring out what the problem and sollutions were. Sure, he would tend to get confused and let me lead some of the time (ADD) but I would make sure it was still a group desision, and when I bring up problems I try to bring up problems I am having wtih stuff I did at leats half of the time.

not sure if that all makes sense...hope some of it is useful to you.

marisa2

Amy,

It took something equally as traumatic to get Dan moving in the right direction. It was me not wanted to see or speak to him ever again. He had moved out once before during the day when I was at work. I came home devastated. I had no clue what had happened. I'm not telling you I'm perfect it was just very unexpected.

The second time it happened it was much later in the marriage. He was under considerable pressure from his mother and did as he was told by her. I came home that day totally shocked again and extremely angry. I had no problems with him moving out, it was just the chicken shit way he did it again. It took an act of God and our friend and doctor to even get me to speak to him again.

From what I understand DH was with doc and wife all day long after he moved. He was distraught and was a mental mess. Doc explained that DH wanted to change but didn't know how. Doc said that he would help Dan get to where he needed but that if I wanted to have him in my life I would need to forgive him this time. After that things have been 120% better.

I no longer pay all the bills out of my money. I even allowed him back on the checking account. He is very conscience of spending and does it when we have the money.

DH didn't speak to his mother for months on end. That didn't bother me at first but as time went by it did. I'm a mom and know that if I didn't hear from my daughters I would be sick with worry. I knew she would be too. After many months and then a long talk with the way things were going to be it has been a blessing. She's different too.

I hope things work out for you guys. I know sometimes it takes a hard push one way or the other. Just be open and if you are angry about something take a few minutes by yourself before exploding. If I have something very difficult to talk about we go to neutral grounds away from the house. For some reason it never feels like an attack away from home and often works out well.