OT- About me and Husband - Long

Amy -- it sounds like you two are working on this in a very mature manner - and maybe you are getting through to him. I know it will not be easy - for either of you... but it sounds to me like you are a bit less stressed knowing that he WILL and IS trying to make amends. I think if he can stick with the allowance, and you control the major sources of income - you can survive... That is not to say he probably still needs professional counseling....

but - it sounds to me like things are headed the right way... and you sound a bit happier with that prospect...

Hang in there - and if you need help, advice or guidance- you know where we are!

Amy, I think it's great that he's been working hard at reforming his ways! It may just work, with lots of reinforcement. Remember to not only remind him to do the right thing, but to also give him lots of appreciation when he does... if you can act, this is where it comes in handy, because you may not yet be feeling like giving him a big smile and a hug when you come across something he's done to help out, but if you do, and you do it without it looking at all fake, it will really help him stay with the program.

Every month that goes by that he dosn't run out of his allowance money, try to notice and say something like "Wow, you're doing a really good job of budgeting that!"

Men need that appreciation the same way women love and need to be appreciated, it's really important. Thank him as much as you can, even when you think he's just doing what he should be doing anyway.

Another benefit of this is, if you consistently praise and thank him for doing his share, he will probably eventually start to notice the things you do, and thank you for them instead of taking you for granted.

-Kalera

I do thank him a lot. I know men need that kind of reinforcement. I try to thank him while he is doing it and again later when nothing is happening to let him know that I do mean it.

I jumped on top of him on the couch the other night and gave him a big hug. I did it with out even thinking. But then it felt weird because I couldn't remember when the last I did something like that.

-Amy

.................snipped

Another thing you might want to try is turning him on to things that *don't* cost money but give him a thrill.

There's sex, of course, but there are lots of other ideas as well. ;-) ~~ Sooz To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong. ~~Joseph Chilton Pearce

There's always some glass and a torch and a you-know-what...

-Su

I thought lampworking cost money. ~~ Sooz To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong. ~~Joseph Chilton Pearce

I think that's great... it shows that there is still a part inside that loves him and wants to do stuff like that!

It sounds like you guys are on the right track... I wish you the best of luck, because I've been through the wringer with a couple of husbands, and I would never wish that on anyone. It does sound like he wants to make it work, though, and that counts for so, so much.

-Kalera

Empress Beads wrote:

It hasn't cost _me_ a penny!

I know what you mean, but finding some sort of interest can make a world of difference. It's been the saving of Mike's life, I think. He'd be sunk in depression by now if he didn't have something else to do with his time.

-Su

That is what I have been trying to tell him. His main intrests are video games and movies. I told him if he could create something, anything. Then maybe he could get that little high he likes in a different way. Also if it is something cool, maybe we could sell it. I have given examples of things he can try, but told him he needs to look and find something that he can create and be proud of. Something small and not too time comsuming.

He also writes and gets satisfaction out of that. He is trying to sell his stories to different magazines and a few other avenues he is pursueing. He just gets really down if someone doesn't like it. I have also told him he needs several stories out there circulating not just relying on one. That way when someone turns down one you make sure you have another copy of a different story on their desk. Maybe eventually someone will recognize your name and take a longer look and realize that you are serious about this.

Thanks for the suggestions.

~~ Sooz To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong. ~~Joseph Chilton Pearce

Writing for publication is one of the most discouraging things around. It's not the same as a creative hobby at all. It can be the opposite, in fact, because it IS discouraging, and so rife with rejection. (Every published writer has a huge drawer full of rejection letters.) I'm published -- I KNOW. ~~ Sooz To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong. ~~Joseph Chilton Pearce

given examples of things

It took ages before I hit on lampwork for Mike. I went through what seemed like thousands of different arts but nothing really clicked for him until he lit the torch. Now I see him very rarely between the time we take our son to school and when we pick him up. Not that I mind, because it's the first time he's really enjoyed anything like that since we first got our boat. We love to travel on the canal but it's not the same when he's in pain so this is the best alternative I could find.

If he never sells a thing I'd still be happy for him. :-)

J K Rowling was rejected by many publishers before someone took a chance on a story about a wizardly school for children.

I understand how disappointing it can be to be told that your work isn't commercial or what they're looking for or they're not interested or whatever. You have to develop a thick skin or a better sense of self-worth if you want to sell what you make or write, because it can leave you in tears every time otherwise.

I do know that you can lead a horse to water but if they don't like the looks of the riverbank it's a wasted trip.

-Su

I am so, so glad he found lampworking! He's getting into it at such a great time, too, with the boom just beginning in the UK.

-Kalera

Su/Cutworks wrote:

And most of the time it isn't that your work is bad. It's timing. Someone I know was rejected -- the book she wrote was too much like this other one a woman in England had just written. It was about to be unleashed upon the public. Besides, stories about child wizards--?? Who cared?

(Yes -- the UK book was the first Harry Potter tale.) ~~ Sooz To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong. ~~Joseph Chilton Pearce

Hmmm... he might consider taking a break from pursuing publication for now, or submit only to highly specialized publications that get fewer submissions. Writing for publication is one of the most ego-crushing, emasculating experiences you can pursue, and it seems like he may not need that in his life right now... writing, yes, absolutely. Submitting creative writing for publication... only if he can withstand constant rejection accompanied by occasional random cruelty. (Yes, it's not uncommon for pissy editors to send a mean note along with their rejection.)

If he does get something accepted, then there's the fun of having it hacked to bits by an editor who may or may not have any talent or grasp of the English language whatsoever, who will add unnecessary hyphens to compound words and will "correct" the spelling of words they don't understand, then remove pivotal passages altogether and condense others until they no longer make sense.

Maybe woodworking or polyclay or sculpture would be a better bet... or starting an online creative writing journal, where he gets to be the heartless editor. :)

-Kalera

Empress Beads wrote: > That is what I have been trying to tell him. His main intrests are video > games and movies. I told him if he could create something, anything. Then > maybe he could get that little high he likes in a different way. Also if it > is something cool, maybe we could sell it. I have given examples of things > he can try, but told him he needs to look and find something that he can > create and be proud of. Something small and not too time comsuming. > > He also writes and gets satisfaction out of that. He is trying to sell his > stories to different magazines and a few other avenues he is pursueing. He > just gets really down if someone doesn't like it. I have also told him he > needs several stories out there circulating not just relying on one. That > way when someone turns down one you make sure you have another copy of a > different story on their desk. Maybe eventually someone will recognize your > name and take a longer look and realize that you are serious about this. > > Thanks for the suggestions. >

Yup, timing has a lot to do with success.

Hemmingway was fortunate in his editors, too.

-Su

I was going to suggest an online webpage ezine. Kalera beat me to it. That way he can exposure.

This strikes me as odd. I've never looked for something for someone else to do as a hobby or interest. And have never been without many interests. Would he just sit and jiggle and ask what he could do or something? Is he one of these "got to do something right now" types?

I'm the ruminating and fomenting type. Never without causes and ideas.

Tina

"Su/Cutworks" wrote...

He would play video games and watch TV to occupy his time. Or find things to download on the internet. I feel he needs to be more creative with his time. Find an outlet that will let him design something or he can benefit from in some way. Instead of wasteing time doing nothing to enrich or enlighten his life.

I am not pursueing to find him something, but suggesting he look into a few options to better occupy this small amount of time that God has given him.