OT- About me and Husband - Long

Oh honey!

I've been in your boat. I'd tell you chapter & verse but I'm under a time crunch to get auctions ready to go (it's been one of those days where nothing went the way I planned LOL). All I can say is I feel your pain in so many ways! (Ask Becki, she saw me up close and personal).

But here's the deal...You are stronger than you think you are!!! I can hear it in what you're already saying (it took me forever to get to that point). Have faith in YOU because nobody else will do it as well. And there's a freaky kind of pleasure in coping when you KNOW you're the only game in town. Yeah, there's nobody else to blame, BUT you also get ALL the pats on the back!

Email me any time you want. I'm cheering for you in so many ways! I got OUT, got my kids and myself taken care of, we're all thriving, and I even found someone wonderful as an added bonus.

Hugs, beads, and lots of good vibes, KarenK

Vows before God require the covenant of the two people involved. In my opinion, your husband's actions come really close to violating that covenant, and if that happens, the contract is broken.

A man who would let his wife stand on a concrete floor to feed her family (let alone all the other crappy things he's done) gets my goat.

I wish you the very best of luck, you have some hard thinking and hard work ahead of you. Don't be afraid to see a professional if the two of you need help sorting it all out...your little one deserves that much!

The Blessed Fiddy, Patroness Saint of the Disorganized LC in Sunny So Cal Personality Development Specialist (Full-Time Mom!)

I'm so sorry you are going through this, hon. I'm also divorced from my first husband and if I wasn't sick, might also be divorced from the second. So I know where you're coming from.

I don' t think it's a bad idea for you to take over the family finances, if you can get the debit and credit cards away from him. I also would start selling some of those games and CD's. Why not, you're already on Ebay!

If you leave him, you will probably have to go back to work full time. If you can deal with that, then I say go for it.

Before my DD left her putz of a DH, she said to me, "all I want is a nice day. That's all I want." My heart broke for her, but she did it with two little kids and she needed some help from her daddy, but she still did it. Now she has met and married someone wonderful who treats her and the kids like they are gold.

Personally, I think your husband is clinically depressed. He is shopping in an effort to feel better. If you can get him to go to a doctor, you might find the guy you married again. JMHO

Whatever you decide, you know you have our love and support.

Cheri (Bubbee to Emily and Nathan)

Hugs Amy. For years DH drained our checking account making checks bounce. He would just blow threw money and my entire check was to pay for bills. It really pissed me off. Then for several years we had separate accounts. Guess who still paid for bills. Yeah, at least no more bounced checks. (One landed me in jail for a walk through.) After we had our huge blow out I finally gave him one more chance. There was more to it than money...like another woman...his mother. Since that time I have been pretty happy. Things are never perfect but I'm happy and we don't have the same problems any more. However, it took almost too much to get there.

Do what feels right for you and your daughter. In the end the children are what matters the most.

Sounds kinda like my DH but at least most of the bills get paid (at least all we're able to every month) We don't have much to work with so it's not so bad. Is this a "guy thing"? (before I get jumped - not ALL guys!) And does yours like to give stuff (that you just might be using) away to people in order to make a good impression? I just LOVE that one (never understood having to "buy" friends. Just be yourself and let it go. If they like you, they like you. If not, BFD!)

You have to do what you NEED to do for the health and saneness of everyone involved. Your DD and you first, of course. Wouldn't it be nice if you could just have complete control over the finances? But then you probably end up with a grown man whining "I made the money, why can't I spend it?" And rather than have the long drawn out discussion, give in and move on. And make do. Or just do. And wonder why you're tired all the time? (BTDT)

I know this probably didn't help much but I just wanted to let you know you're not the only head cook and bottle washer/mommy - doer of EVERYTHING out there (I have a sign in my kitchen "Nobody notices what I do untile I DON'T do it!)

Later,

Helen C

I think that may be the problem also. Hi Cheri.

Amy, I told my better half about what you were putting up with. You dont know me, but you are always welcome here in Houston. I hope things work out.

Scott

I'm so sorry, Amy. Would he be willing to go to counseling or see a dr. about possibly being depressed?

Amy,

I am so sorry.

It sounds like your problems run a lot deeper then money so maybe this isn't helpful.

But my DH and I were not happy with where our finances are, me in particular. I used to earn a fair amount of money so we didn't go into debt, but weren't saving as much as we wanted. DH has been trying to get a BA and working part-time jobs, so I had been the primary income earner (now I am going back to school so our roles are switched, or will be when he gets a job in the place we moved to. Which BTW is a struggle).

We went around and around about the money issue and although we agreed in principle about wanting to save money it never seemed to happen. I got lots of advice from people about cutting up credit and debit cards (or freezing them in a block of ice), paying only cash for things (Easier to see it go), and lots of other techniques. I asked DH many times to try them. We started many times on a budget. He always had a problem with the specific mechanism. Frankly a lot of our problems I think had to do with his ADD and both of our tendencies to procrastinate.

Once I decided to go for my PhD we really sat down and did a budget. Now we each get $50 spending money a month, in cash. Also the food budget is a certain amount per month, and so on. Anything that isn't in a specific category (like "food", which refers specifically to grocery items, not random cups of coffee - we're on our own for those types of items) has to come out of our own spending money. Most of our money is locked in a savings acct, and we both agree when tho take money out and add it to the checking account (you can have the bank set it up this way although we didn't). This has really worked for us.

I actually find it liberating. I used to feel guilty every time I spent anything, and would either deny myself stupid things, or waste money without noticing it on dribs and drabs (and, er, BEADS). Now, I have exactly my $50 and I don't have to feel guilty if I go out to lunch with a friend; if I use it up, I won't have it any more that month and that is my desision, it doesn't get our family budget into trouble. The coolest thing of all is that DH, who from what I can tell has never done this before, has actually started saving up his monthly "allowance" (we don't call it that btw) for things he wants, like a new printer or whatever. He has always been good about getting things with good discounts or rebates, but now instead of buying something BECAUSE it has a discount or rebate, he figures out he wants something, THEN waits for the good discount, then gets it.

In the months before I quit my old job we saved at least twice as much as we had saved previously. Now that we're living off of savings I'm nervous but we're in a whole lot better shape then we would've been!

Hope this idea helps you or at least someone.

marisa2

Empress Beads wrote:

AMy, I wish I could tell you what to do and know it was absolutely right. ANd I know it's plenty easy for all of us to say/suggest things, and a hell of a lot harder for you to decide on a course. Here's my opinion anyways. "For better or for worse" does not translate into "For abuse and neglect, for emotional damage and constant endangerment"

By his actions he is abusing you--mentally and emotionally, what with the ignoring you and disregarding of your input into the way things should/could be. All of this is causing emotional damage that shines thru very clearly in what you've said, and what you haven't said. He endangers you and your DD by constantly spending the little money you do have on things you don't need--what if an emergency happened and you suddenly needed that 3 grand for it? What if he takes it even further and one day yuou realize there is no money for food/bills, etc, etc?

I don't hold with abuse of any kind, and what I see here is intolerable to me. I can't imagine the strength you must possess in order to deal with it every day. *hugggs*

Just a few words, All men are not like that, I know I'm one of them. there are women out there just as bad ( my exwife ) put me $67K in the hole in 6 months. I got free and wound up with a high school sweetheart and acted foolish as far as money for awhile. I was given a choice either straighten up or get the hell out! Maybe you need to set a few ground rules with him, like what were given to me. IF he values you and your child he will do it, it might be hard but encurouge ( damn hooked on phonics didn't work for me!)and direct him. And basicly teach him what to plan for and save for. Worked for me.

Good luck and hope everything works out!

Jim Redden snipped-for-privacy@rochester.rrDOTcom

"For better or for worse" does not translate into "For abuse and neglect, for emotional damage and constant endangerment"<

I sooo wish you'd had this embossed on a clue by four about 10 years ago!!!!!

KarenK

It's what runs through my head when I come across folks in situations similiar to Amy's.

Now that all the "business" is out of the way I want to say something else. Jim's right, all men are NOT like that. My darling wonderful Mike is very careful with money. He's not miserly or mean, but he's ruthlessly practical and I adore him for it. Right now, this very minute (and we're not even married yet, just living together) I/we have MORE money saved than I had over the entire time I was married to my ex. I came to my marriage with $12K saved up....gone in less than a year and never ever restored.

Mike is my godsend. He's who/what I've wanted/needed for years.....self-discipline that spills over onto me, but still willing to have fun (moneywise) when it's appropriate. My ex had the sense of fun, but no clue about what was appropriate when. And he would turn around and blame me ("I couldn't tell you no") even though at the times in question he was theoretically responsible for making the financial decisions. (After a lot of chest-beating because I wouldn't "let" him have the responsibility.)

Here's what I learned after trying hard to live a life of "should." Do what makes YOU feel safe and secure. If that means leaving, make plans and go. If that means staying and working it out, do your very best to make it work. Communication is absolutely essential. Accusation won't work. Stating things like "This is how I feel when 'X' happens" is fine; "You did this and it sucks because...." is not. And learning how to "fight fair" is incredibly important. Stick to one topic, get it settled. Choose your battles very wisely. And if you feel like all you're getting is squishy sounds when you beat your head against the wall, start making plans to get yourself away and safe and ready to start over.

More hugs, liberally beaded of course, KarenK

AMY

he is a compulsive SPENDER

you need to get him into counseling Tell him - for his sake, and the sake of the family - he is going to become a "Japanese Husband" -- explanation - TAKE AWAY HIS CREDIT CARDS His CHECK BOOK. to prevent him from going to the bank -- go with him there - and tell them you want his signature authority removed from all accounts. Explain to the bank manager that he has a spending illness, and that you are trying to get it under control... that you will be the ONLY authorized signatory on all checks and credit card statements.

Then - give him a DAILY - and I mean DAILY cash allowance for food and gasoline.

Tell him - he does NOT get anything else.

Tell him if he does not agree to these terms and the counseling - that the marriage is over. If you are afraid to do the above just yet- then Go to the bank - clean it outof all cash - and start an account in your name only at ANOTHER BANK. Then get a divorce lawyer.... fast Cheryl DRAGON BEADS Flameworked beads and glass

Amy, I'm certainly not one to give anyone advice about marriage. Even though I've been married 31 years, 27 of those years were an uphill battle. Only you can decide if you love your husband enough to try to work out your marital problems together... or if the problems can't be overcome and you need to move on with your life. I will say that marriage counseling helped my husband a great deal and things changed drastically after he realized he was doing wrong.

ROFL.

You could start a new industry, shopping rent-a-guy!

My husband would rather stick pencils up his nose than go shopping with me.

-Su

I did tell him that we were not going to have this same conversation ever again. I mean EVER. I asked him if he knew what that meant. And he understood that I was taking DD with me and not coming back. I told him that I don't want anything in this house, except DD's room and my clothes. I know I can start over with out any thing here.

I guess that is what I am hoping for that one day he will change. But I am not so sure.

money...like

I think he is depressed too. Because he doesn't value his image at all. When I groom myself in the morning that is what I do. I look in the mirror and see what small imperfections I can fix. He will wait until we get in the car going somewhere and look at his nose hair and wonder why I didn't tell him to cut it. I think you are depressed if you cannot even look at yourself in the mirror in the morning. He has no self worth. I have tried everything to make him feel better, but now I am tired and I want someone to make me feel better. I want some one to take care of me.

I know I will have to go out and get a job, but I am trying to figure out if I stay here or move back home 4 hours away. I will have so much more help here. And people who love me around me. Both my parents are retired so they have a little more time than most. I know my mom is a big help. When my brother and his wife needed help with their three kids my mom took over all their laundry. My mom is great at doing laundry. Wash, Iron and everything. She just would ask Mel to bring it by in the morning and she would have it ready by afternoon.

I am looking into counseling for him on his insurance. I am not sure what is covered. But I think he needs help. We have had discussions that something is wrong, he needs to figure out what that is. He did not have a great childhood. He was constantly picked on until he move to TEXAS at 11.

I will see what I can do.