OT - sob story

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from snipped-for-privacy@hotmail.com (alia) :

]it started with my dad's 'i wish i had a nice young girl taking care ]of me' and went on to 'he's fine, he's perfectly capable of working if ]he wants to' and 'he'll never have a have a job!' and eventually, 'o, ]sure, you're not taking care of gary, he gets money from the gov't, ]we're ALL taking care of gary.'

your father and my father must have been related at some point.

----------- @vicki [SnuggleWench] (Books)

's not what you take, when you leave this world behind you;it's what you leave behind you when you go. -- Randy Travis

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from snipped-for-privacy@hotmail.com (alia) :

]but it really hurt me.

my father was a master at the sort of thing you are talking about.

more than once, if he started picking on one of my children, i packed them up and walked out. i learned to handle his picking on me, because i understood what was going on. but i refused to let him pick on my children, and i let him know it.

what my niece taught us all, however was this. she created a game in her head. and she taught it to the other kids that she thought needed it. "If you let grandpa hurt your feelings - he wins. if you can learn to let it slide - YOU win." and she learned to win and keep on winning.

----------- @vicki [SnuggleWench] (Books)

's not what you take, when you leave this world behind you;it's what you leave behind you when you go. -- Randy Travis

(((((hugs))))) Alia, it sounds like your dad and your bother are covering up their own insecurities by putting Gary down. It's wonderful that you love Gary and that he loves you. Your family cannot take that away. I hope it gets better soon .

-- Kandice Seeber Air & Earth Designs

Yeah. What Kandice said.

To that I would add this: You can't control what others say and feel or how they act. What you *can* control is how you choose to react to it. I have had to apply this in my own life, and it's meant the elimination of some people from my life. It may sound selfish, but it boils down to self-preservation.

Alia,

That stinks.

For what it's worth....

My husband is the same age as me (well, ok, 3 months younger :) ) and not disabled, but I have always been the "primary bread winner" and he has never had what my family would consider a "real" job. Now he is back in school and at this point isn't working. When he is it will be a part-time job, probably at the school. (This is kind of bothering me personally at the moment because I'm having a lot of problems and am almost certainly loosing my job in a few months, but that's a separate topic).

I am sure my dad and grandparents are not happy about this. SINCE WE'VE BEEN MARRIED noone has said anything directly to me and everyone is friendly to him. For a while before and after I was married I grilled my little brother and cousin to find out what people were really saying. Then I realized that it doesn't help me or my husband to know whether or what they are saying. It would undermine my husband's self-esteem and make it harder for him to do his schoolwork and stuff, and it would make me angry and resentful to my relatives and possibly my husband as well. So, even though this is very unlike me, I decided that I am really better off not knowing. Since I've been going that route I can't know for sure, but I'm guessing the fact that I am not getting all defensive about it probably actually makes them less likely to think that way anyhow. And if they do, they aren't saying or doing anything so I don't have to get upset about it.

marisa2

Good for you. The pretense that abuse is "joking" and that there's something wrong with the victim for taking offense at things said specifically to offend is one of the nastiest tactics in the whole abuse game. If I were in your shoes, that brother would be Persona Non Grata in my presence for at least the next 10 years -- maybe by then he'll have grown up, but I doubt it.

Celine

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from "Beadbimbo" :

] Your dad my be genuinely concerned, but showing it in a poory way. ]Coming from a generation where the husband is the breadwinner, it may ]threaten your dad that you don't have someone to take care of you, instead ]of seeing you as a self-sufficient, capable young woman.

very good, Jerri! i don't know how he was BEFORE Gary, which would be a good indicator!

----------- @vicki [SnuggleWench] (Books)

's not what you take, when you leave this world behind you;it's what you leave behind you when you go. -- Randy Travis

I have no words of wisdom to share but oh man.. i do have a huge hug here for you ((((((((((((((((alia)))))))))))))))))))) Diana

Hi Alia,

I think this is going to be an ongoing issue. You're going to make some hard choices.

First of all, you need to acknowlege your father's reasoning. You have to rigorously examine how his critisms will effect you.

Are you willing to be the only real support for the family? Your carreer first. Your carreer before beading, because you need to earn an adequate income fore the two of you and perhaps children too. If you have children, you will have to work while he stays home with the children. No deciding you need a break from work and someone else can do it for a while. No taking jobs that aren't carreer jobs because life gets more expensive and you need to work toward a pension. Do you have the education or background for that kind of work?

Are you willing to be his nurse as he goes into decline in 10 or 20 years (all the while working full time)? This is a serious consideration for anyone who marries someone disabled or someone significantly older.

Are you willing to live independent of support of your family. They might get better about Gary, but I doubt they'll really change. Can you give up your family for Gary?

If you're OK with all this, then go for it and don't look back.

Tina

Not having a job at 21 is far different from being 51 and disabled. This is a practical issue that simply must be addressed. And very thoroughly.

If it were my daughter, I as a parent would have to have some sort of satisfaction before being OK with it. I would need/want to know that she really knew what she was getting into.

After that, I would accept her decision.

On the other hand, I have no qualms about agreeing the her Dad is a silly insecure jerk!

Tina

Isn't the old adage that you can pick your friends, but not your family. My family hasn't been good to me, but I consider my friends more of my family.

Don't listen to your dad and brother. Something might be bothering them and they aren't dealing with it correctly.

s

LOL, I should clarify, DH got laid off after invitations were printed....but he had this attitude before that.

Honey, it sounds like you are looking at this from a really mature perspective, and that you are doing what's best for you and Gary. I am glad to hear that your relationship with your mom is doing better. I hope your family gets a clue soon. ((((((((hugs))))))))

We're not spoiling you, we're just showing a little humankindness to someone we care about who's hurting.

Your family loves you, but is being clueless and cruel. My advice is to give them a wide berth until they can chill... you simply don't need to be exposed to that kind of crap.