highly OT: ...my sister

Norreen,

My heart goes out to you and your sister. My prayers will be with you both.

Hesira

Noreen ,, Be strong ,, myy healing wishes for your sister mirjam

That is scarey but the surgeons are really quite experienced at those operations now. My DH had five bypasses 14.5 years ago and is happily working and having a busy life now. I do remember what a worry it was at the time, however, so prayers and good thoughts going your way. Judy

Thank you all so much. I've been through this, with my mother, twice, in 1979 and again in 2002. Through my entire life, I've been the 'count-on, lean-on' person for my family.... and NOW that I have moved away, I am considered the family pariah, having 'alienated myself by moving away from my family' -- that is a direct quote from my mother. Isn't one allowed to finally have an adult life of one's own, without one's family trying to lay guilt-trips on her? Never mind that my own mother moved away from HER mother at age 16, never mind that my mother moved away from HER KIDS almost as soon as Dad died... I never begrudged Christy and Kelley living their lives, why does MY 'family' seem to think that I'm not to have an adult life? I'm rambling, but I need to get this off my chest, so thank you in advance if you've read this far. Since the age of 18, my mother has treated me younger and younger. At this point in my life, I'm approximately less than two year old via this younger-younger treatment. Examples: at 16, I had an 11 o'clock curfew on school nights, and a 1 am curfew on weekends and summer. If I was working (which I did) during the summer, the curfew was extended to accommodate the fact that I worked until midnight most nights. At age 21, (yes, I was living at home, but paying full rent).... I had purchased my second car, ON MY OWN, with no financial help from the parental units, yet, my mother said MY car had to be home by midnight. So... you can see how my life had progressed. Yes, I'll have some cheese and crackers with my w(h)ine. ;) Every time my mother has had ANY health isssues, I've been expected to drop everything and BE there. My sister never WAS there for any of Ma's health issues, until the 2002 (second bypass surgeries). But, from 1979, and especially since 1981 after Da died, everything has always fallen on my shoulders, yet my sister resented it when she finally HAD to deal with ma back in 02 and again in 03 when she shattered the wrist. Then *I* was the aXXhole who should step up to the plate and help her deal with ma. NOW, I'm the aXXhole again because financially, we just cannot swing the gas and motel expenses of a 700 plus mile one way trip. (nevermind that none of them came down HERE when Don was sick) So, that's why I'm feeling helpless, and teary. I KNOW she'll be fine, she's actually a cardiology specialist nurse, it's her FIELD.... and... laughing a bit now, I KNOW she's going to be a ROTTEN patient. Thanks for letting me vent. Noreen

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omg N. I'm so sorry to hear this....healing thoughts and prayers to you and your family tons of hugz C.

Thank you, Cher. For a little in-depth whine, read my own reply to the original post... Noreen ;)

Aw, Noreen, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I read both your original post and your "whine" post and understand totally what you mean. You're allowed to whine, it's good for the soul!!!! And when people who understand and care are listening, it's even better. :o)

I send you hugs and support and love, Eve :o)

Thanks Eve ;) That means alot to me, as well as a neat offlist email I got from another friend regarding this 'situation' (she knows who she is, suffice to say, she also hit the nail on the head, as you did, Eve!) Hugs, Noreen

Noareen I will keep herin my prayers. God Bless Gwen

Hang in there, Noreen! I'll keep you and your whole family in my thoughts and prayers.

As for family expectations, I think the more mature and responsible you act at a young age, the more they expect from you your whole life. My family was the same way, making unreasonable demands on me, because I took responsibilities and limitations seriously, while the goof offs weren't complained at because the rest of the family learned to expect the nothing from them they always had gotten.

It's unfair, but you can get around it and (eventually) get your point across. Explain that just because you've been responsible in the past doesn't mean they can make unreasonable demands on you now, and calling you an "aXXhole" certainly isn't the way to get you to drop everything and come running, especially with gas so incredibly expensive now. Give it to them in $$ terms, 700 + miles at X miles per gallon (estimate MPG your car gets), equals Y gallons at $3.25 for Z gas cost to get there, plus A days in a motel at B dollars added to the gas costs equals however much they expect you to plop down with very little notice. Then add in food you'll have to buy while there (I assume they expect you to feed yourself and probably treat them while there if they are like my family), then add on the gas required to get you home, and tell them if they expect "free" care from you now, they better reconsider, and it's not your fault for living a life of your own, JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER HAS DONE, so she can't complain that you followed HER example. Otherwise, they'll whine forever that "you could get there if you really wanted".

It worked for me, and since I am the responsible one, when dad and other family members were dying, I WAS there doing more than my share for them, if nothing else sitting with them when everyone else "was too exhausted", they couldn't complain anymore, though the name calling didn't stop. If it continues for you, just cut them off. Say you've got better things to do with your long-distance bill than listen to them swear at you like a baby and hang up. That gets the point across that you are an adult and don't have to put up with that behavior just because they are family no matter how young they treat you.

Leah

You've had your fair share of this sort of thing just over the last few years Noreen and it can't be easy, but know we are all of us thinking about you and praying with you...

higz Cher

I will pray that all goes well, Noreen. ANd for you, as well, at this stressful time.

Higs, Kather> I've just learned that my sister requires bypass, open-heart surgery.

Hey, sweetie, you come in and rant any time. We'll be here for you.

Higs, Katherine

Sending prayers your way for a speedy recovery for your sister

Liz

As always Noreen,we will rember her in our prayers.

Hugs & God bless, Dennis & Gail

Leah, between YOUR response and one I got offlist from someone else who's been in these shoes, I feel better! Thanks, Hugs, Noreen PS, the other person knows who she is, we have decided we are more alike than we ever would've thought, right "??" :D

LOL!

BB

BB, I wasn't going to tell ... but methinks you've let the cat outofthebag! LOL Noreen