OT: The Voices in my Head

When I started sleeping too much last year, I had a sleep study, which showed I was fine except I had "fragmented sleep." They thought a CPAP might help, so I explained that I had learned to sleep very lightly when I was a kid (and with my back against the wall, the pillow folded half on the bed, half against the wall) because I didn't get hurt as much if I was awake when my father came in to throw me around. I don't have night terrors anymore or a lot of other things related to my childhood treatment, but I do still sleep lightly and when I wake up, go right back to sleep. They agreed that a CPAP wouldn't help with that.

Yup. This is what I get, too. Took me a while to see that I was pretty much living my whole life like this-- afraid to feel anything and just wandering around on autopilot.

I'm so grateful that I have been able to realize this, and could work to change it. Life is pretty good when you're actually able to feel it :)

Laura

On Fri, 1 Aug 2003 19:53:16 -0400, Marilee J. Layman wrote (in message ):

I guess that your parents never actually learned the real meaning of the word discipline. It doesn't mean "to punish," it means "to teach."

I can't think of any lessons I want taught by hurting another person. It also ticks me off when people use God as their excuse for hurting someone. Ever hear of taking responsibility for one's own actions?

If I were going to beat someone, it wouldn't be God doing it, it would be me. And the only circumstance I can imagine where I'd physically harm another person is if they were trying to hurt a child. It always upsets me when people emotionally or physically use their age or strength to impose their will on another.

If you want to challenge someone bigger, smarter or stronger than you, go right ahead, it's your funeral. But there is no honor in bullying the weak.

Kathy N-V

the wall, the pillow folded half on the bed, half against the wall) because I didn't get hurt as much if I was awake when my father came in to throw me around.<

Bastard. {{{{{{Marilee}}}}}}

Carol in SLC My new stuff:

and channel it into my art, I will SERIOUSLY kick ass. I swear.<

There is no doubt, Tink!

Carol in SLC My new stuff:

I wish a lot more parents had this attitude and this goal -- and some workable strategies for reaching it. Your kids lucked out ... more than you did yourself ... in the parent-lottery.

Deirdre

If I were the Bible, I would say : First discipline yourself. Then you might be in a fit state to relate to a vulnerable child.

Deirdre

It becomes OK to feel again, when the things you could be feeling really are 'pretty good'.

Deirdre

Yeah, insomnia is my middle name!

I think I know how you feel... I used to feel very uncomfortable talking about any of it, but I am a little less so nowadays. Today I'm becoming inclined to think that the more we *do* talk about it, the more likely it will be that something can change in the future-- because nothing can change as long as the problem isn't visible. But each of us can (and should) only do what we feel safe doing.

Laura

And I always hope that speaking of my experience can help someone else too.

Tina

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from Deirdre S. :

]I hear you. All my best stuff has been given away over the course of ]time, and having a snapshot at least keeps me in touch with the fact ]that I have done work I was pleased with...

oh, yes!

]I also hear you about getting sideswiped by family opinion not ]matching that of the rest of the world

i'm still working on that one - especially after having just spent four days cooped up with my siblings. **sigh**

----------- @vicki [SnuggleWench] (Books)

Bill of Rights - Void where prohibited by Law.Regime Change in 2004 - The life you save may be your own.

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from Kathy N-V :

]I am quite possibly the only nut on the face of the earth that has cut up ]seed bead projects because I didn't like the way they were coming along and I ]wasn't about to waste the beads.

nope. i do it all the time. it's why i'm most likely to run out of thread!

----------- @vicki [SnuggleWench] (Books)

Bill of Rights - Void where prohibited by Law.Regime Change in 2004 - The life you save may be your own.

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from "Diana Curtis" :

]Judging from the number of projects in RCTQ that dont get finished ]there are a lot of people who just wont settle for less than the best they ]are able to do. These quilts get put away forever or cut up and reformed ]into other quilts that make the person happier. Its a good quality to my way ]of thinking.

just wait until i get the website up for my aunt. she is the most fantastic quilter!

----------- @vicki [SnuggleWench] (Books)

Bill of Rights - Void where prohibited by Law.Regime Change in 2004 - The life you save may be your own.

((((((((((((((((((((((((Kathy)))))))))))))))))))))))

That's not the first time I've heard that :-)

I just wish I could get over that whole "being on guard" thing. I'm always in super-vigilant mode, and it's exhausting. And if I let one little Bad Thought get in, I start fixating on it. The old agoraphobia has been rearing its ugly head, too, which made going to the fair yesterday almost painful. But I did it.

Absolutely true. It takes awareness and effort and understanding on the part of the person and those around them. I would not be as happy or growthful a person without the love and support of my DH and sons and good friends. They support me even when I'm crabby and ultra-irratateable, which doesn't happen near as often these days. Being OUT of the minefield takes a while to get used to... Sarajane

Sarajane's Polymer Clay Gallery

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and that's why I'm not just pretending I don't see this thread. I know that this is not a "private" place, being the internet, but its not other people knowing that bothers me, its thinking about it myself. And with the people who have respnded to this thread, I know I am in good company of people who are aware and concerned with some of the very same issues. I remember what a HUGE relief it was when I started to learn more about PTSD and stress, and knew that there really are physical reasons I react the ways I do. What I was told about me was "crazy, bad, or cold hearted" is really just "programmed". I was programmed not to sleep well, I was programmed not to cry, or to flinch, and that's NOT something I chose, and not something indicating "BAD". About ten years ago in the course of reading all kinds of stuff I read some literature about torture, from war perspectives. It talked about softening the prisoners up by constant stress, not allowing them to sleep uninterupted, all kinds of things. I remember thinking that many people don't know how close the "war" really comes. Freud said something about ---more wounds and scars from the bedroom and nursery than any field of War-- sorry I don't remember the exact quote.

I'm gonna go be kind to somebody today. Pass it on...there's too much nasty out there. Sarajane

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It is my theory that people who have this set of circumstances, but also have an ability to shift to an artistic awareness AND to let it flow through their fingers, have a conduit for awareness and connection that allows a spot for the "me" part to attach, hang in there and hide safely. I have NO research other to support this, other than personal observation and experience. But I KNOW its true for me, and for at least one of my best friends wsho has the medical/psych teams to back her up and diagnose and all that. Sarajane

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I have a feeling that I'm always gonna be a little more sensitive than some people. And I know where the exits are and sit with my back to the wall facing doors. But B vitamins really help take the topmost edge off---mostly it helps keep the "Bad Thought" thing a little farther at bay. And you are doing a good thing with facing the agoraphobia too, Tink. I make myself go out and its easier the next time. Well, sometimes--but its always good to go get the experience and fresh air. I am no longer qualified for the "shut in" status that my DS was amazed about when he took psych in HighSchool---if you don't go out a certain number of hours a day/week, you qualify, and when I was writing my books with a deadline, I had many weeks where I just...didn't go out. Sarajane

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