OT: The Voices in my Head

What a shame that this lovely metaphor (which, in the context you give here, I would interpret as an exhortation to guide your children with loving kindness) was co-opted to provide justifications for so many generations of abuse-- and still is.

Laura

Yes... I know exactly what you mean. I completely embraced having the book to work on as an excuse for not going anywhere. The longest I ever went without leaving the house... even to step outside... was a little over five weeks.

Oh, and the thing about sitting with your back to a wall, facing an exit? That's how I have to sleep, understandably. I really think that is part of the reason that I can't sleep in the bed. Never thought about it until I read your post. When I sleep on the couch, I can scrunch myself up against the back... VERY safe feeling. The bed is in the middle of a wall with no 'safe' spots.

I wish you lived closer. I think we could use a cup of tea together :-)

Me too. I feel kind of funny that this thread keeps going for so long, and that I keep adding to it. Especially since I'm kind of new here, anyway. But I feel motivated by the words of others, so I keep adding to it anyway.

uninterupted,

Yes to all of the above-- the physical explanations have been so helpful, as I know now that there's a lot of stuff I can work on by just taking proper care of myself. And I don't have to think I'm an awful person for not having felt "enough" when certain things happened, or for having felt "too much" during my early healing days. There was a reason for all of it, and the reasons all make sense.

I remember reading for the first time about trauma in the context of hostage and POW experiences. It was as if someone had taken my heart from my chest and smeared it all across those pages, then handed it back to me. I can't describe how well I related to those passages but it really brought a lot home. Still does, whenever I read of these sorts of things happening in the world.

Yeah! Will do :)

Laura

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from "Tink" :

]Oh, and the thing about sitting with your back to a wall, facing an exit? ]That's how I have to sleep, understandably. I really think that is part of ]the reason that I can't sleep in the bed. Never thought about it until I ]read your post. When I sleep on the couch, I can scrunch myself up against ]the back... VERY safe feeling. The bed is in the middle of a wall with no ]'safe' spots.

here i thought that was just "me".

----------- @vicki [SnuggleWench] (Books)

Bill of Rights - Void where prohibited by Law.Regime Change in 2004 - The life you save may be your own.

Is there any reason not to rearrange the room so that one side of the bed *is* against the wall? Or would you feel "trapped" if you were sleeping next to the wall and Prairieson was on the outside?

Celine

IMO, a lot of wars are the results of those bedroom and nursery scars being played out by adults on a global stage ... and a lot of those who find themselves mindlessly scarring others may have been conditioned to do such things being socialized in ways that make them capable of being warriors. Not the brave and strong part of warriorship, but the suppression of emotions so you can keep going in spite of pain and grief, and the depersonalization of those you are sanctioned to hurt and kill so that your side can 'win'.

Generations of soldiers, and of soldiers' children, are undiagnosed and untreated sufferers of PTSD, I suspect. And they grow up to pass the trauma, and the pattern on ...

Deirdre

When our department's workspace at the library was 'cubicled' instead of being one open space full of individual desks and work areas , I spent less than 20 minutes in mine before bursting into tears and begging to have one wall removed, so I could still see people approaching.

Went totally panicky hearing things I couldn't see and evaluate for safety.

This stuff sticks with you, even if the environment is free of known threats.

Deirdre

I know exactly what you mean. I am not the customer for headphones of any sort for the same reason. I want to hear what's coming. Sarajane

Sarajane's Polymer Clay Gallery

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vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from Deirdre S. :

]When our department's workspace at the library was 'cubicled' instead ]of being one open space full of individual desks and work areas , I ]spent less than 20 minutes in mine before bursting into tears and ]begging to have one wall removed, so I could still see people ]approaching.

that's almost exactly what happened to me - except that KNOWING i was incredibly claustrophobic, they refused to take any of the partitions down and told me to "learn to deal with it".

----------- @vicki [SnuggleWench] (Books)

Bill of Rights - Void where prohibited by Law.Regime Change in 2004 - The life you save may be your own.

How long ago was this? Nowadays, that would fall under "refusal to make reasonable accomodations for disability."

Celine

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from snipped-for-privacy@mindspring.com (Lee S. Billings) :

]How long ago was this? Nowadays, that would fall under "refusal to make ]reasonable accomodations for disability."

1998, believe it or not, and i worked FOR a union. i won the Workers' Comp case. now, tho, no one will hire me because of it. but it's not considered a disability, as far as the law is concerned.

----------- @vicki [SnuggleWench] (Books)

Bill of Rights - Void where prohibited by Law.Regime Change in 2004 - The life you save may be your own.

We were never hit with swithches, just hands and wooden spoons applied to the behind. We were occasionally threatened with a belt, but never hit with it.

Funny little story (it is now, it wasn't at the time) my parents actually broke a wooden spoon on my behind, a vertical crack along the grain of the timber. I never really felt either being swatted by hands or the wooden spoon, which could be why the spoon broke! Ihave no idea why I didn't feel pain on being hit, I just didn't.

On Sat, 2 Aug 2003 17:46:08 -0400, Deirdre S. wrote (in message ):

And I have a rear-view mirror on my computer. I cannot stand to have my back to the door, where people can sneak up on me.

Don't sleep against the wall, though. Sleep was about the only safe place there was.

Kathy N-V

On Sat, 2 Aug 2003 16:44:53 -0400, Turtlelover wrote (in message ):

Yep. I knew that when I started this thread that it would resonate with some of the people here, but I never dreamed it would get the response it has. I think that we've done some real healing while we've shared our war stories.

It also says some pretty wonderful things about us that we can survive all that we have, and come out more or less whole at the end of it. Even better, some of us are better people because we know the poisonous effects of abuse and have chosen a different path for our lives.

I don't feel as if I have any opened wounds. Scars maybe, but I'm fairly healed. It's just a few ideosyncracies that pop up now and again.

What she said. (And double for me)

Kathy N-V

I have my computer in the far corner of the basement, behind the furnace.

In restaurants, if I have a choice, I prefer to sit in a corner in a booth. And I get the booth seat that backs up to the wall.. Above all else, however, I refuse to sit at those square tables in the middle of the room. Stresses me out so much I can't eat and usually triggers a panic attack.

I'll second this recommendation, too. Great book.

Laura

Likewise. Also extremely uneasy sitting with my back to a door or window. I like small, enclosed spaces, and larger spaces crowded with "stuff". My favorite beds were the top bunk, set in a corner with a book case up against the foot of the bunks, and a "cupboard bed" at a vacation cabin I once visited. I get "itchy" in crowds, and even "claustrophobic". Large, empty rooms bother me and make me want to cling to the walls or, better, a corner, but "wide open spaces" outside do not bother me. However, I do not have a childhood history of "abuse"-- possibly I could be considered to have a history of "neglect", because of all the time I was left to take care of myself, but not hit nor verbally abused. Being left alone suited me just fine, though; I had my books, there was usually some sort of garden or other "open land" to poke in and run around on, and usually some sort of "craft" or art I could work on. Some have said I was raised like a boy of the first half of the last century (and accused me of resultant "gender confusion"...). I also do not have an "adult" history of abuse-- the first-- and last-- adult boyfriend that delivered more than a playful slap not only got left, then and there, he got an immediate slap back. I say "adult boyfriend" because I DID have a "designated boyfriend" at age ten with whom I fought a lot, and exchanged more hits than hugs, but we were pretty evenly matched. During my six years on active duty (and five in reserves), I experienced little "sexual harrassment"-- probably no more than exchanged between heterosexual male sailors, although other women complained of it. Others I have known-- of both sexes, with no history of "abuse", also like close spaces, and are extremely uncomfortable in "exposed" positions. So, I conclude that at least some of these preferences are hard-wired as part of an inate personality, but can be excaberated by "experience"; or else, my aunty and her new-ager crowd are right, and it's "experience" from a past existance that is bleeding through to this one.... Kaytee "Simplexities" on

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from snipped-for-privacy@aol.compuppies (Dr. Sooz) :

]>here i thought that was just "me". ] ]{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Vicki}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

thank you, sweets!

**sigh** there are some days i think it's going to be one freakin' panic attack after another. i keep trying to "clean" house to make it more comfortable. it's not working.

----------- @vicki [SnuggleWench] (Books)

Bill of Rights - Void where prohibited by Law.Regime Change in 2004 - The life you save may be your own.

the Bible were originally written for a bunch of nomadic sheep herders this is an oft-used metaphor) which the Shepard uses to guide sheep that are straying from the herd.<

Exactly, Louis!

Carol in SLC My new stuff: